MILWAUKEE, WI -- Area woman Julianna Delaney shocked those around her by exposing her inner dominatrix last night when she gave her boyfriend, Jared Kogan, a few tips about how to better satisfy her sexually.
    Kogan reportedly balked at Delaney’s request that he “go a little slower, and put your hands on my back,” and ran out of her apartment. In a statement to the press, he expressed his surprise and dismay at his partner’s unmasked kinks, saying, “She should have told me if she’s looking for a sex slave. What’s next - she’s going to put me on a leash and whip me?”

SEATTLE, WA — Earlier this afternoon, 8-year-old Jeffrey Fuller shocked legislators, political pundits, and third graders across the globe by declaring a National Emergency in order to secure 5.7 scoops of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream.

WASHINGTON, DC — Area man Mike Jacobson pondered aloud the necessity of drastic action in his home office yesterday, as the monstrous shadow of Golgamor, Eater of Worlds, Bringer of Death, Crusher of a Thousand Stars, began to eclipse the sun. 

As the ground began to quake with the footsteps of the primordial superbeing now exhumed from His resting place beneath the sands of time, Jacobson wondered whether it was worth the risk to pursue an extreme plan of action.

BOSTON, MA- Resident soft boy Artemis Flores announced this Thursday that he has absolutely no intent on cuffing an actual person this February, opting to hone his pants cuffing technique instead.

BOSTON, MA–  Citing the 11,000 championships in the past 18 years won by the city’s 4 major sports teams, Boston Duck Tours CEO Sheila Donahue announced on Tuesday the company's decision to operate exclusively for championship parades. 

PLEASANTVILLE, NY— Blatantly disregarding the recommended price range of $10 - $15, area Mother Theresa Jack Anderson graciously gifted his Secret Santa a half-eaten bag of Rold Gold® Original Tiny Pretzels, which he reportedly picked up at a CVS 10 minutes before the gift exchange, then ate on the way over.

One by one, gift exchange participants unwrapped their items to reveal heartwarming presents ranging from homemade snickerdoodles to custom pajama sets and Sims 4. But when it was Molly Smith's turn, everyone was blown away by Jack’s charitable giving. 

PORTLAND, OR — After several agonizing attempts to refuse paying more money than he has to, area man Max Reynolds finally summoned up enough courage to select the ‘No Tip’ option on the iPad at the pay counter of his local coffeeshop. 

NAPERVILLE NORTH HIGH SCHOOL, ILLINOIS — In a bold act of social justice, local quickie connoisseur Becky Jackson announced via ask.fm that she will now exclusively give hand jobs in her high school’s new gender-neutral bathroom.

When asked about it at lunch the next day, the modern-day bell hooks said, “It’s 2018—Social change is all around us. Some hands write laws, other hands hold protest signs, and other hands generously jack off people of all genders.” 

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — On Monday NYU PhD. candidate Mark P. Flannigan was forced to flee his communal living space after declining to reciprocate oral sex with  long-term partner Alyssa M. Hale, citing "no ethical consumption under capitalism."