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Two Words on Social Media Was Exactly What I Wanted for My Birthday

a facebook "happy birthday!" post

By you know exactly which friend

Hey, BFF! Thank you SO much for your thoughtful birthday post on Facebook.

Honestly, I am moved by the pure simplicity of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Your employment of capital letters and that exclamation point captured your enthusiasm with a level of nuance that definitely could not have been achieved with more words. Huge props for not using any emojis at all. They would have distracted from the whole two words you wrote.

Area Man Only Meant to Shut Eyes for Few Minutes, Wakes to Alien Overlords

SLEEPY HOLLOW, NY – After planning to take a quick, thirty-minute power nap, area man Daniel R. Foster awoke from a deep, coma-like slumber 23 years later than he had intended.
The nap was only meant to help him “catch up on a few Zs,” but after sinking into the dissociative bliss of death-like sleep, Foster succumbed to his profound, bodily exhaustion and woke up in the year 2041. Sound asleep for two decades, Foster dozed through the fall of earth and the rise of its current imperial overlords, the Oglaroonians of the Omicron Deluvia Star System.  

Area White Woman Texts About Importance of “Black Panther” All Throughout “Black Panther”

ITHACA, NY — Area woman Nancy R. O’Donnell spent her Friday evening letting all of her friends know that Black Panther is “just SUCH an important film” as she sat in a movie theater watching Black Panther

O'Donnell texted at least nine friends while the movie was playing and another five after it ended. “I can’t believe such a small phone can create so much light,” said Arthur T. Jackson, a fellow moviegoer.

Area Man Finds Missing Ampersand on Keyboard


WOBURN, MASS. — Following a lengthy search, area man Stephan T. Dahl reported that he had found the ampersand on his 2012 MacBook Pro and can now resume typing.

“It’s pretty well hidden, but if you look closely, you can actually make it out riiiiight there,” said Dahl, pointing to the clearly illuminated and symbol that has shared a button with the number 7 for approximately four decades.

Should You Hit the Gym, or Hit Jim?

people on treadmills
It’s that time of year again, you lily-livered fuck. Summer is just around the corner, and your pasty ass is looking thin and sickly—it’s time to get your rear in gear for that chiseled beach bod you’ve always wanted. Your longtime crush Samantha who tends the bar at O'Farrel's is looking hot as ever, and the sight of your suntanned musculature during the Fourth of July bar crawl in two months will surely woo her into your loving embrace.

Area Grandma Likes Your Profile Picture But You Have Such a Pretty Face and Do You Really Need All That Makeup

grandma on computer

COMMENT SECTION—Even though your grandma gave your new profile picture a like on Wednesday, she wanted to make sure you know that you have such a pretty face, and do you really need all that makeup?

Area Bum Fails to Even Contribute Chromosomes to His Children


CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Russell Marks, a local father of two, took absentee parenting to new heights when his wife realized that he neglected to pass any of his chromosomes onto their offspring.

“I mean, it was one thing when he missed Timmy’s first birthday party and left Lucy at the Gentlemen’s Club for five hours,” Marks’ wife Martha said. “But this is just ridiculous.”

They Can Put a Man on the Moon, but Area Man Still Resets His Password Every Time He Has to Get into a Goddamn Website

man at computer

BOSTON, MASS. — Reports surfaced on Thursday that—even though humankind has advanced to such a remarkable degree that people can go to the literal fucking moon—area man Billy P. Paulson still resets his password every time he has to get into a goddamn website.

Huh, I Don’t Think About You at All!

Picture of a smug looking woman

By Your High School Nemesis

Facebook’s “On This Day” Offers Daily Reminder You Were Weird as Fuck in Middle School

a Facebook "On This Day" graphic

THE BLACK HOLE OF THE INTERNET—Reports surfaced on Tuesday that the only real accomplishment of Facebook's "On This Day" feature is offering you a helpful daily reminder that you were weird as fuck in middle school.

Rather than bringing back good memories or reconnecting you with old friends—the feature's intended purposes, probably—all that "On This Day" manages to do is remind you that you used to write Facebook statuses in the third person. You, a moron, would start your posts with verbs.