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Fast and Furious Director Regrets Paul Walker's Death in "Fiery, Badass Explosion"

America Not Ready for Fossil Fuels to Pull Out, Not Yet

Although America knows the risks involved, it just isn't ready for fossil fuels to pull out, not yet. Friends like Britain and France have reminded America about the scare it had a few years ago when fossil fuels spilled all over its coast, but America has responded that that was "one time" and "it's not like there were any permanent consequences." 

Turducken Farm Shut Down in Wake of Controversy

Plano, Texas- With Thanksgiving approaching, animal rights activists have gained new wind in attempting to curb animal cruelty, going so far as to infiltrate factory farms to obtain footage. Their reported findings are, allegedly, beyond belief.

 “It was just beyond belief,” began trembling lead activist Kyna Shepherd, “Turducken farms are FUCKED UP. You, like, would think that they make the turduckens after they kill the birds. No. No. No they don’t. Aw, I just feel dirty.”

Rand Paul Admits to Plagiarizing Dr. Seuss

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, who previously faced plagiarism charges for copying passages from Wikipedia’s Gattaca page in a political speech, was once again accused of copyright infringement for his Washington Times op-ed on drug sentencing. His article faced public scrutiny after readers complained that many of his phrases were distinctly similar to those in the popular Dr. Seuss books.

Obama Starting to Regret Missing CS50 Office Hours

Washington, DC—A visibly frustrated Barack Obama stared at the lines of code on his computer screen.

“David went over this in lecture,” Obama sighed, referring to the live stream he participated in as a student in CS50’s edX course, “it made sense at the time, but now I’m doing it for real and there are errors all over the place.”

Man Accused of Illegally Snuggling Mexican Immigrants

Arizona state police are pressing charges against Nathan Greers, resident of Tucson, for allegedly approaching Mexican immigrants at random and snuggling them against their will. Greers, who was caught early this morning in an act of first-degree tickling, is accused of forcing non-consensual hugs, Eskimo kisses, and pillow talk onto more than fifty unsuspecting Mexicans since 2011.

Backup Government Up and Running

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Three days after the shutdown of the federal goverment, the United States emergency backup government is at last up and running.

Top 10 Things to Do During Your Government Shutdown Furlough

1. Enjoy watching The West Wing, secure in the knowledge that a coked-up Aaron Sorkin came up with a better version of government than the real one.
2. Get a vasectomy.  There's no way you're going to want to bring a kid into this world.
3. Get all duked up for the 1st Annual Congressional Game of Marco Polo.
4. Call on God.  The number is 547-359-0021.  God will not pick up.  You can leave a message.
5. Go apple picking.

Family Can't Agree on Pizza Toppings, Shuts Down

San Diego, CA: The Marshall family ceased all non-essential family functions today, following a shut down caused by the family's inability to agree on either a pepperoni or cheese pizza for delivery.

Under the shut down, signing of school permission slips, purchasing of food for the family's cat, trips to Grandma's house, and basic familial love will be suspended indefinitely.

"I'm sick of it," fumed Janet Marshall.  "My husband is pulling the same kind of brinksmanship that led to the family game night fiasco.  He needs stop holding this family hostage."

Shutdown Begins as Congress Fails to Agree on What the Fox Say

U.S. government agencies were ordered to close for the first time in more than 17 years after lawmakers stalemated over Republican efforts to block the Animal Calls Act (ACA).

President Obama's landmark bill - commonly referred to as ObamaCall - provides all American Citizens with the complete and absolute affirmation of the onomatopoetic sound made by or associated with a variety of woodland animals including all of the 12 species of Vulpes genus true foxes.