PITTSBURGH—Soon after the big game had ended and his only two friends had departed, John Rackly, 44, returned to his lonely and depressing life. Moments earlier, Rackly could be seen standing on his porch, waving his friends goodbye. “Bye Tom! Bye Phil!” he was reported calling as they drove into the night, his smile fading with the evening.

In response to the overwhelming demand for Sunday’s highly coveted Super Bowl advertising slots, soft drink manufacturer PepsiCo has entered into an agreement with Colorado-based TV commercial actor and occasional football player Peyton Manning, under which the Denver Broncos QB will replace his recognizable “Omaha” audible with the name of the iconic beverage for Super Bowl XLVIII.

Americans all across the nation are donning jerseys and purchasing grilling supplies for Sunday’s big TV event, when everyone will tune in to watch the fifth episode of Downton Abbey, Season 4.  The episode of PBS’ wildly popular Masterpiece series is expected to draw the highest television audiences of the year, with estimates hovering around 105 million viewers. 

Although America knows the risks involved, it just isn't ready for fossil fuels to pull out, not yet. Friends like Britain and France have reminded America about the scare it had a few years ago when fossil fuels spilled all over its coast, but America has responded that that was "one time" and "it's not like there were any permanent consequences." 

Plano, Texas- With Thanksgiving approaching, animal rights activists have gained new wind in attempting to curb animal cruelty, going so far as to infiltrate factory farms to obtain footage. Their reported findings are, allegedly, beyond belief.

 “It was just beyond belief,” began trembling lead activist Kyna Shepherd, “Turducken farms are FUCKED UP. You, like, would think that they make the turduckens after they kill the birds. No. No. No they don’t. Aw, I just feel dirty.”

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, who previously faced plagiarism charges for copying passages from Wikipedia’s Gattaca page in a political speech, was once again accused of copyright infringement for his Washington Times op-ed on drug sentencing. His article faced public scrutiny after readers complained that many of his phrases were distinctly similar to those in the popular Dr. Seuss books.

Washington, DC—A visibly frustrated Barack Obama stared at the lines of code on his computer screen.

“David went over this in lecture,” Obama sighed, referring to the live stream he participated in as a student in CS50’s edX course, “it made sense at the time, but now I’m doing it for real and there are errors all over the place.”

Arizona state police are pressing charges against Nathan Greers, resident of Tucson, for allegedly approaching Mexican immigrants at random and snuggling them against their will. Greers, who was caught early this morning in an act of first-degree tickling, is accused of forcing non-consensual hugs, Eskimo kisses, and pillow talk onto more than fifty unsuspecting Mexicans since 2011.