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Ichthus Retracts Second Blog Post

The Harvard Ichthus has once again apologized for offending any “Jew-lovers” for “something that like, maybe could have been a little offensive.”

Sam Clark Retires From Public Life

Cambridge, MA - Undergraduate Council President-elect Sam Clark has officially announced his retirement from public life following his shocking victory in the recent UC elections. 

After a week in which the Harvard junior found himself launched into viral video fame and was elected to the highest office in the land, Clark has announced that he has decided to step back from public life, forsaking the spotlight in favor of a quiet life on his family's ancestral puppy farm.  

University To Rename Science Facility After Kanye West’s Daughter

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Harvard University Provost Alan Garber announced Thursday that the building formerly known as Northwest Labs would be renamed after the daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, following their recent visit to the Graduate School of Design.

College Introduces Pre-Pre-Term Planning

Following the recent Pre-Term Planning debacle, in which ninety-seven percent of undergraduates forgot to submit their projected class schedule for the spring semester, Harvard College administrators have decided to implement a new, Pre-Pre-Term Planning tool for student use. The proposed web application, which will ask students to plan out four months in advance how they will later fill out their regular Pre-Term Planning schedules, will go live at 9:30 am on Christmas morning and close at 12:01 am New Year’s Day.

Harvard Undergraduate Council Plunged Into Crisis After Securitas Coup

Teaching Fellow Realizes He Is Not Invited to Faculty Dinner

As the semester draws to a close, Jason Michaels, a Teaching Fellow in government, came to the conclusion earlier this week that he has not been and will not be invited any of the 13 faculty dinners this semester. Michaels, who is rapidly approaching 40 years old, recognizes mistily that he is at the awkward age at which he “is too old to be considered the sexy TF, but still too young to be the wise one.” Out of the 21 course staffers, Michaels was the only one to not be invited to a single dinner.

EdX to Feature Virtual Annenberg

HarvardX, Harvard’s division of the edX massive online open course platform, was proud to announce the addition of new virtual capabilities to the service, including the addition of a virtual Annenberg dining hall. Students will be able to virtually fill their plates with warm prepared entrees, fresh greens from the salad bar, and orders straight from the grill.

Harvard Freshmen Play Dead, Plead Amnesty

Earlier this weekend, six freshman collapsed to the ground and played dead as a dorm party in Canaday was broken up by a proctor, in an attempt to avoid disciplinary measures.

“It was a very frightening scene,” told the Proctor. “The second I opened the door I saw wasted valedictorian medals, worthless alumni donations, and broken legacies flash across a dozen petrified faces, and the next thing I knew half of them slammed onto the floor in a flash mob of sudden heart attacks and unexpected death.”

Parent Gives Child In-Utero Harvard Tours

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Area mother-to-be Kristen Marner gave her unborn son a tour of Harvard College this past Thursday, scrupulously setting him up for a life of disappointment.

 At around 11am, when most productive members of society were occupied with their careers and daily lives, Marner was spotted sneaking into a Chem 30 lecture to expose her fetus to the concepts of molecular orbital theory and pericyclic reactions.

Drew Faust Admits to Smoking Crack

Cambridge, MA-  After months of denying rumors that a video showed her smoking a crack pipe, Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust has finally admitted that the rumors are true.

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine.  But…do I?  Am I an addict?  No,” said the crack addict.

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