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Harvard

In Streamlining Bid, Dean Jay Harris Announces Removal of Course Titles from Q Guide

Cambridge, MA—As part of a broader effort to “make the Q a more accurate, sophisticated, and helpful mechanism for learning about and choosing courses,” Dean Jay Harris today announced that course titles would no longer be included in the Q Guide. The announcement was buried in the middle of a longer speech on the impact of Harvard’s yard fertilizer choices on matriculation rates. The decision to change the system was made in September, but the formal announcement had been delayed until the Faculty Council felt it was appropriate.

Non-Sociopaths Still Underrepresented at Harvard

Cambridge, MA- Despite efforts to increase diversity at the college, Harvard’s most recent admissions report suggests that people capable of empathy continue to be underrepresented in the incoming Class of 2017. Although sociopaths make up less than 1% of the U.S population, they accounted for 54% of this years admitted students.

Lowell Sophomore Excited for Graduation of Senior Whose Name He Can’t Remember

Image Credit: http://www.nicolasfradet.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/fake_smile.jpg

Cambridge, MA- As the semester comes to a close, the bitter Massachusetts winter subsides, and students are preoccupied with formals and last chance hook-ups, our Harvard community’s mind turns towards graduation day.

“I am so excited,” said Taylor Johannes ‘16. “That senior who always says hi to me is finally going to be out of here.”

Local Man Attempts to Return Overdue Knife to Library, Gets Arrested

Earlier Wednesday, Harvard University Police Department officers apprehended a shirtless white man who was attempting to return a knife to Lamont Library. A subsequent misunderstanding between HUPD officers and the individual resulted in a brief altercation and arrest.

Scientist Discovers Rare Breed of Undergrad in Depths of Lamont

Cambridge, MA—While collecting books for zoological research, Harvard Professor Brian Farrell made a groundbreaking and serendipitous discovery just one short mile from his research lab at Harvard University.

“I stopped in one of the undergraduate libraries,” began Farrell, “to pick up a book unavailable in Widener. As I made my way into the restricted C-level stacks, I noticed a sobbing sound unlike any on record since the extinction of Hopefullia freshmanus during fall midterms.”

Beautiful People Come Out of Hiding for Eleganza

Image Credit: https://www.facebook.com/EleganzaShow

Harvard’s annual fashion show Eleganza hits the runway this weekend and looks to be a great opportunity for all beautiful people to finally come out of hiding.

“It’s absolutely crucial that we take a moment to celebrate beauty,” said Lisa Strauss, a model with an unparalleled thigh gap. “There are so many organizations on campus, but for some reason there aren’t any meant for physically attractive people.”

Eleganza is working to help not only this oppressed minority group, but also those in need.

American Sign Language Supporters Demand to be Heard

Under an upcoming Undergraduate Council referendum, the Harvard student body will be voting whether to support the reintroduction of American Sign Language (ASL) courses that may be taken for credit. Advocate groups claim they are finally raising their fingers, and know that they will be seen by the student body.

Lassonde Announces Free Quincy Storage "Up Your Own Ass"

Cambridge, MA--- In what he calls “an exciting development,” Dean of Student Life Stephen Lassonde has announced a solution to the conundrum posed by the recent renovation of Quincy House under which, until today, students would not have been provided with free on-campus summer storage space.

“In light of the outpouring of concern we’ve received from Quincy undergraduates,” the dean revealed in a house-wide email, “the OSL has engineered a cost-free strategy to continue to provide students with the same amenities afforded to the remainder of the College.”

Crimson Cash Exchange Rate Plummets

New York City, NY—Crimson Cash collapsed in value in early trading Monday, on the heels of the revelation that the Harvard Corporation does not have $250,000 in liquid assets. Crimson Cash fell 30% versus Brown Bear Bucks, 23% versus the Euro, and reached a 5-year-low of 0.61 to the Princeton Paw Print.

College Shuts off Water, Electricity Over Spring Break

Cambridge, MA-- In an effort to add to the savings accrued during HUDS’ spring break closing, Harvard financial officers have reportedly ordered the shutdown of all College utilities for the duration of the week.

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