and entering


Football Team Accused of Plagiarizing Star Running Back

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a shocking twist to Harvard University’s ongoing plagiarism scandal, the Harvard Crimson football team was arraigned of plagiarizing their star running back on Thursday. The formal accusation came from NCAA officials after months of complaints from Macalester College. The small Minnesotan college claims that Harvard has been knowingly using a pound-for-pound copy of Macalester’s starting running back, Jerrick Isaiah Smith, throughout the season.

Canaday Resident Really Doesn’t Get Why Canaday Is So Bad

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Canaday resident Andrew Wong, Class of 2016, appallingly cannot seem to understand why Canaday is so bad. Despite living in freshman dormitory Canaday Hall, widely accepted as the ugliest, least comfortable, and overall most terrible dorm, Wong is confused by its “bad rap.”

Faust, Administration Implicated in Hazing Scandal

A report by the Harvard University Police Department has implicated President Drew Gilpin Faust, Dean Evelynn Hammonds, and other top administration figures in a hazing scandal that students and alumni alike are calling “disgusting” and “immature”.  

Veritaffle Maker Distributor Disappointed by Sales of Verilatke Maker

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Cuisinart, producer and distributor of the popular Veritaffle Maker, saw a disappointing showing at the recent release of its new Verilatke Maker. Cuisinart released the Verilatke Maker to the Harvard University Dining Service (HUDS) following four consecutive quarters of high sales of its popular Veritaffle Maker. Hoping to replicate the success of the appliance, which imprints Harvard’s iconic Veritas insignia into breakfast waffles, Cuisinart decided to foray into more diverse foods.

Freshman Found after Month-Long Search


In an event that concluded a month of exhaustive searches by the Harvard University Police Department, freshman Griffin Woodson was found wandering Cambridge Common. The student had first reported himself missing on an evening in early September, after leaving his dorm room in search of a local restaurant.

Scientists: “Delphic Ecosystem Unsustainable”

Cambridge, MA - Scientists at the Harvard School of Engineering and Applied Sciences announced Monday that the “fragile sexual ecosystem” of the Delphic final club may be on the verge of collapse, citing overuse of the popular mixer and knockout-drug Rohypnol.

 Harold Yun, lead researcher on the Delphic ecosystem, was kind enough to grant us a brief interview at his research headquarters in the Science Center:

Student Overwhelmed by Amount of Witty Posters

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Eliot resident Steven G. Streidbach ’14 announced to his roommate yesterday that he was “fucking done with all of these cute, clever posters and flyers around campus, dude.”

These student-created posters, which inform the Harvard community about various events and organizations on campus, often employ humorous graphics and witticisms that Streidbach says make him “fucking sick.” Streidbach cited WHRB’s “Vinyl Club” posters and Hasty Pudding Tech’s flyers as especially egregious offenders.

Intro to Buddhism Student Totally Enlightened

CAMBRIDGE, MA - A Harvard sophomore has reached enlightenment. Aaron Goldblatt, '15, was first introduced to the core beliefs of Buddhism when he shopped Culture and Belief 25 at the beginning of the semester. "It was Professor Gyatso's lecture that really got me thinking," remembers Goldblatt. "We're all just, like, a part of the infinite, you know?"

A Prairie Home Without a Companion

The life of Stacey M. Kidder, ’15, is a tragic one. Everywhere she goes she is bombarded with questions – “What is your name? Where are you from?” – but one query hounds her incessantly from her most innocuous calculus class to her most scalding nightmare – “You’re from Minnesota? Where’s your Minnesotan accent?” Such an insensitive and dehumanizing question is positively repetitive. Though Stacey is tactful in her response, “Haha, I don’t know. I can imitate one pretty well, though, don’tchyaknow,” feelings of apathy and indifference simmer beneath her unperturbed demeanor.

Harvard University Dining Services to Implement “Foodless Fridays”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Hot on the heels of its successful introduction of “less-meat Mondays,” Harvard University Dining Services announced yesterday that it will no longer serve food on Fridays.

“After realizing that we could easily remove meat, the most expensive component of our meals, we began to explore additional avenues of cost-cutting,” said HUDS spokesperson Crista Martin. “That led us to the idea of Foodless Fridays. By simply not providing food one day a week, we can cut one-seventh of our annual operating costs.”