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Cabot UC Election Ends in 380-Way Tie

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to reports from Al Jazeera Quad, Cabot House’s recent UC election has ended in a 380-way tie. As of Monday morning, the UC Commission had yet to decide a method for resolving the unprecedented result, in which all 380 residents of Cabot House received the same number of votes—zero. The UC’s bylaws and constitution make no provisions for such a result, according to UC legal scholar Michael Wasserman ’14.

Flyby Reporter Getting Great Details For Final Club Survey

Mark “The Scoop” Sabbert, Flyby’s premier inside man, is two drinks away from getting some great details for the Crimson’s Flyby Final Club survey.   Holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in his left hand, Sabbert struggles to open his notepad as he interviews a member of the Owl club.

“Oh god, I, I don’t, I don’t even know which club this is.  Hello?  Is this the SPEE?  SPEE CLUB?  No?  Oh.  Can I, CAN I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS? HELLO?”

An Open Letter To Students Who Sit On The End Of Lecture Hall Rows

Seriously, fuck you. 

NSA Searches College Email Accounts, Resident Deans Unimpressed

Cambridge, MA- The Washington Post revealed yet another instance of email-tapping by the NSA on Monday--this time, of Harvard Resident Deans and other administrators. Upon finding out the news, however, Harvard officials remained starkly unimpressed.
 
"It's like 'whatever' at this point," said Leverett Resident Dean Lauren Brandt, via an NSA-read exclusive email conversation with Satire V. 
 

Freshman Survey Part V

Upon receiving an anonymous tip, Satire V staff donned cutting-edge disguise technology to infiltrate the Crimson and find the real scoop. The Crimson does not wish you to see this information, but we at Satire V believe in freedom of information. These are the freshmen. These are their stories.

SEXUALITY:

Charming British Freshman Actually Just An Asshole

Even though he only arrived in Cambridge a few weeks ago; British freshman Alistair Collingsworth-Cripps is adored almost universally by the Harvard community. His charming smile, dashing wit, and delightful English accent have endeared him to men and women alike. But as enchanting as he may seem, some believe Alistair’s charming British exterior hides a terrible secret.

Behind those ill-cared-for teeth lies a tongue, says fellow freshman Phillip King, which is not so important as what lies behind it: the soul of a "total asshole".

Pfister Redefines Red Line for Cheating Scandals

While the Gov 1310 cheating scandal has continued for nearly as long as the Syrian civil war, Harvard administrators remain unwilling to tackle the problem head-on, citing the disaster that followed the 2003 takeover of the Philosophy Department, where suspected methods of mass cheating were sought, but never found. However, according to Donald Pfister, the new Dean of the College and Herbology professor, the administration is now keeping close tabs on the developments.

I Hate Shopping Period vs. I Hate Period Shopping

I Hate Shopping Period

-The first time, you have no idea what you’re doing.

-Lots of iPads.

-Close attention to course evaluations.

-Awkward eye contact with that kid from freshmen year.

-The word gentle is used to describe curves.

-Mom calls repeatedly to see how it’s going.

-Lots of blood.

 

I Hate Period Shopping

-The first time, you have no idea what you’re doing.

-Lots of pads.

-Close attention to course of ovulations. 

-Awkward eye contact with the cashier.

The Quad awarded 2020 Olympic Games

BUENOS AIRES— At a press conference following the conclusion of the 125th annual session of the International Olympic Committee, outgoing IOC President Jacques Rogge announced that the 2020 Summer Olympiad had been awarded to the Radcliffe Quadrangle. Rogge, who in his tenure has seen Summer Games awarded to cities as diverse as Rio de Janiero and Beijing, said that the sporting body’s decision to choose the Quad as an Olympic venue would cement the “quirky” legacy of his presidency.

Women's Center Unveils Privilege Check

Cambridge, MA—As part of a slew of new renovations designed to promote inclusiveness, the Women’s Center today unveiled their new “privilege check”. The facility, located behind a Rawlsian Veil of Ignorance and adjacent to the pre-existing coat closet, allows visitors to the Women’s Center to check their privilege before entering the facility beneath the Canaday dorms.

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