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Harvard

College Events Board Cancels Yardfest Artist

The College Events Board faced immediate backlash Thursday night after a video on their website revealed this year’s Yardfest artist to be up-and-coming R&B sensation Janelle Monáe.
 
As per usual, students were quick to speak out against the CEB’s decision. “Her upbeat tempos and funky rhythms make me absolutely sick,” said senior Brandon Hasbrook. “Don’t even get me started on the lyrics: completely inoffensive and absolutely catchy."
 

Uncomfortable Truths in Spanish Class

As Harvard’s introductory language classes approach midterms, many students are becoming increasingly skilled at expressing uncomfortable truths about themselves.

Harvard-Bound 8th Grader has Serious Reservations about the Quad

As housing season heats up, freshman aren’t the only ones quibbling over the quadrangle.

After arriving home from squash practice Friday evening, triple legacy and favorite son Henry Prescott-Weld threw off his Barbour jacket and sighed heavily.  His team, the Feildsdale Cavaliers, had just won districts, but Henry‘s mind was on other things while “at sport.” 

Kirkland House: We Respect Our Meat—I Mean, Women

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Upon releasing its Housing Day video album, Kirkland House has been met with a fair number of accusations of sexism, among many things; however, Kirkland House would like to reaffirm its support for women.

“They came to me with an idea to represent our house in a fun and lighthearted way. When they told me we were going to shoot a video of several faceless, half-naked, human-boar hybrid women gyrating around a room and assuming various sexual positions, I told them, ‘Wow, I think you’re on to something!’,” said Kirkland House in an interview.

Harvard Junior on Mission to Selfie with Obama

Leverett Dining Hall, MA- A sophomore in Leverett last night deduced that the “high-profile dignitary” visiting the Harvard Square area (the visit not being connected with the University) is probably totally Barack Obama visiting the Kennedy School.

Hopeful Terrorist Thwarted by New edX Restrictions

edX, the revolutionary open-source online education program offered by Harvard, MIT, Stanford, and every other university with more than three computers, recently revealed that its course “Flight Vehicle Aerodynamics” would be blocked to students in Cuba, Iran, and Sudan.

"Twitch Plays Pokémon" Revives Flagging Mayopoulos Presidency

Following a disappointing meeting last week with University President Drew Faust regarding a $250,000 increase in funding for student organizations, a spiritually disillusioned President Gus Mayopoulos has allegedly found renewed hope for humanity and Harvard in the teachings of The Church of the Helix.

Mayopoulos—who has been watching the online social experiment “Twitch Plays Pokémon” twenty-six hours a day since discovering The Stream—surprised friends and constituents alike with his quick turnaround from existential malaise into transcendent bliss.

Hammonds Confesses to Dogecoin Heist

Cambridge—In an announcement that surprised almost no one, Former Dean Evelynn Hammonds confessed to hijacking Harvard’s Odyssey Cluster supercomputer in order to mine the popular cryptocurrency Dogecoin. Hammonds’ confession, published Tuesday in the Crimson, appeared remorseful, with the former Dean expressing her regret for “shaming my fellow shibes” by misusing academic resources.

HUDS Offers Cereal Naming Rights to Donors

Harvard University Dining Services (HUDS) today introduced much-needed transparency to its cereal naming process, unveiling a revolutionary new methodology. The new HUDS Head of Marketing and Strategy announced that they would soon start naming their cereals after alumni who donated generously to the university. Starting next week, students can, for instance, rely on a bowl of Kenneth Griffin Bran Flakes to get them through their 3am problem set sessions.

President Faust Ready To "Beat UC Ass"

As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass." 

Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit.  Shuckle at my teat, vermin."  

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