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Gender-Neutral Housing Proposal Discourages Students from Calling Kirkland “She”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Proponents of a gender-neutral housing petition circulating on campus claim that their proposal, which looks to end the use of gender-specific pronouns in reference to upperclassmen houses, is advancing smoothly.

 “This change is long overdue,” said Jeremy Green ’15, author of the petition, “Gender identity is a complex issue, but it’s really not that difficult to say ‘it’ instead of ‘him’ or ‘her.’”

Dean Dingman Elected to Cambridge City Council

In an unexpected turn of events, write-in candidate and self-described “Dean of Fresh” Thomas Dingman claimed a decisive victory in the race for the open seat on the Cambridge City Council Tuesday.

 A good part of the dean’s inspiration to enter the race came when prominent candidate Logan Leslie ‘16 began distributing bottle openers and voter registration forms to campus residents in hopes of adding a Harvard voice to the council.

Average Harvard Student Has No Idea What “Divestment” Means

In the wake of recent campus-wide, alumni-led protests demanding that Harvard divest its portfolio of fossil-fuel-related investments, it has become apparent that few, if any, on campus actually know what the term 'divestment' means.

Harvard Sophomore Takes Perfect Selfie

Cambridge, MA – Harvard sophomore Emily Bernard captured what many have described as “the perfect selfie.” The picture has garnered over 75 likes on Facebook since Bernard posted it last Friday night.

 The photo, taken on Bernard’s iPhone 4s, depicts Bernard reflected in a bathroom mirror, leaning forward slightly and pursing her lips. Bernard also shared the photo over Instagram, applying a tasteful sepia tone filter.

 “It shows just enough cleavage so I look hot, but not so much that I look slutty, y’know?” said Bernard.

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Junior Too Embarrassed to Ask For Directions, Misses Midterm

Peter Farmington, a junior in Lowell House, missed his midterm last Thursday after failing to locate Emerson Hall. Farmington, who is concentrating in mechanical engineering, explained that he failed to look up the building prior to leaving his room. When he reached the Yard, he panicked, realizing that he did know know which one was Emerson Hall. “I had a class or two in Sever freshman year,” said Farmington, “but other than that I spend most of my time in Pierce Hall in the dead of night, like all Mechanical Engineers.

Dean Pfister Tormented by Evil Spirits

On October 31, Donald Pfister, Dean of the College and star of the hit Broadway musical Little Shop of Horrors, reported several spooky events occurring in his Harvard Office.

“Oh yeah, sure, there’s lots of creepy things going on,” said the Asa Gray Professor of Systematic Botany.  “Do you want some candy before I get started?  Maybe a Tootsie Roll or something?”

Spectre of Communism Haunts Harvard Economics Department

Cambridge, MA- Littauer Hall, home to the Harvard Economics Department, has been the scene of strange happenings. Reports of mysterious events have led some faculty members to speculate that the spectre of Communism, not seen since the Soviet Collapse in 1991, has indeed returned.

Lights flickering on and off and loud noises have been continuous, as well as the department’s bust of Hegel repeatedly being turned on its head.

Add-Drop Deadline Approaches For Friends Made During Orientation

Several weeks after latching on to FOP tripmates, strangers from Annenberg, and even Facebook Celebrities to satisfy friendship requirements, many freshmen reassess their social circles as this semester’s Friend Add-drop deadline approaches.

 “We just thought it was the right thing to do,” commented Thomas Dingman, “I mean, who wants to end up friends with the random smelly guy who they talked to at convocation?”

Nobody Stabbed in JFK Park This Week

In a shocking turn of events, not a single person was stabbed at John F. Kennedy Park near Harvard Square this past week. This follows stabbings that occurred on September 8 and 30 of this year.

The addition of barbed-wire fences surrounding the park and metal detectors at all possible points of entry is believed to be part of the reason for the decrease in violent crime. Anybody who wishes to enjoy the park must now go through an airport-style security check before entering.

Freshman Takes 9 Midterms In One Day

Freshman Sarah Schultz, ’17, was surprised to find she took nine midterms last Friday, the majority of which were for classes in which she was not even enrolled. Miss Schultz had her Ec 10 and LS1A midterms on the same day but ended up taking an extra seven midterms without even realizing it.

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