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Harvard Undergraduate Council Plunged Into Crisis After Securitas Coup

Teaching Fellow Realizes He Is Not Invited to Faculty Dinner

As the semester draws to a close, Jason Michaels, a Teaching Fellow in government, came to the conclusion earlier this week that he has not been and will not be invited any of the 13 faculty dinners this semester. Michaels, who is rapidly approaching 40 years old, recognizes mistily that he is at the awkward age at which he “is too old to be considered the sexy TF, but still too young to be the wise one.” Out of the 21 course staffers, Michaels was the only one to not be invited to a single dinner.

EdX to Feature Virtual Annenberg

HarvardX, Harvard’s division of the edX massive online open course platform, was proud to announce the addition of new virtual capabilities to the service, including the addition of a virtual Annenberg dining hall. Students will be able to virtually fill their plates with warm prepared entrees, fresh greens from the salad bar, and orders straight from the grill.

Harvard Freshmen Play Dead, Plead Amnesty

Earlier this weekend, six freshman collapsed to the ground and played dead as a dorm party in Canaday was broken up by a proctor, in an attempt to avoid disciplinary measures.

“It was a very frightening scene,” told the Proctor. “The second I opened the door I saw wasted valedictorian medals, worthless alumni donations, and broken legacies flash across a dozen petrified faces, and the next thing I knew half of them slammed onto the floor in a flash mob of sudden heart attacks and unexpected death.”

Parent Gives Child In-Utero Harvard Tours

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Area mother-to-be Kristen Marner gave her unborn son a tour of Harvard College this past Thursday, scrupulously setting him up for a life of disappointment.

 At around 11am, when most productive members of society were occupied with their careers and daily lives, Marner was spotted sneaking into a Chem 30 lecture to expose her fetus to the concepts of molecular orbital theory and pericyclic reactions.

Drew Faust Admits to Smoking Crack

Cambridge, MA-  After months of denying rumors that a video showed her smoking a crack pipe, Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust has finally admitted that the rumors are true.

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine.  But…do I?  Am I an addict?  No,” said the crack addict.

Gender-Neutral Housing Proposal Discourages Students from Calling Kirkland “She”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Proponents of a gender-neutral housing petition circulating on campus claim that their proposal, which looks to end the use of gender-specific pronouns in reference to upperclassmen houses, is advancing smoothly.

 “This change is long overdue,” said Jeremy Green ’15, author of the petition, “Gender identity is a complex issue, but it’s really not that difficult to say ‘it’ instead of ‘him’ or ‘her.’”

Dean Dingman Elected to Cambridge City Council

In an unexpected turn of events, write-in candidate and self-described “Dean of Fresh” Thomas Dingman claimed a decisive victory in the race for the open seat on the Cambridge City Council Tuesday.

 A good part of the dean’s inspiration to enter the race came when prominent candidate Logan Leslie ‘16 began distributing bottle openers and voter registration forms to campus residents in hopes of adding a Harvard voice to the council.

Average Harvard Student Has No Idea What “Divestment” Means

In the wake of recent campus-wide, alumni-led protests demanding that Harvard divest its portfolio of fossil-fuel-related investments, it has become apparent that few, if any, on campus actually know what the term 'divestment' means.

Harvard Sophomore Takes Perfect Selfie

Cambridge, MA – Harvard sophomore Emily Bernard captured what many have described as “the perfect selfie.” The picture has garnered over 75 likes on Facebook since Bernard posted it last Friday night.

 The photo, taken on Bernard’s iPhone 4s, depicts Bernard reflected in a bathroom mirror, leaning forward slightly and pursing her lips. Bernard also shared the photo over Instagram, applying a tasteful sepia tone filter.

 “It shows just enough cleavage so I look hot, but not so much that I look slutty, y’know?” said Bernard.

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