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Freshman Found after Month-Long Search

 

In an event that concluded a month of exhaustive searches by the Harvard University Police Department, freshman Griffin Woodson was found wandering Cambridge Common. The student had first reported himself missing on an evening in early September, after leaving his dorm room in search of a local restaurant.

Scientists: “Delphic Ecosystem Unsustainable”

Cambridge, MA - Scientists at the Harvard School of Engineering and Applied Sciences announced Monday that the “fragile sexual ecosystem” of the Delphic final club may be on the verge of collapse, citing overuse of the popular mixer and knockout-drug Rohypnol.

 Harold Yun, lead researcher on the Delphic ecosystem, was kind enough to grant us a brief interview at his research headquarters in the Science Center:

Student Overwhelmed by Amount of Witty Posters

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Eliot resident Steven G. Streidbach ’14 announced to his roommate yesterday that he was “fucking done with all of these cute, clever posters and flyers around campus, dude.”

These student-created posters, which inform the Harvard community about various events and organizations on campus, often employ humorous graphics and witticisms that Streidbach says make him “fucking sick.” Streidbach cited WHRB’s “Vinyl Club” posters and Hasty Pudding Tech’s flyers as especially egregious offenders.

Intro to Buddhism Student Totally Enlightened

CAMBRIDGE, MA - A Harvard sophomore has reached enlightenment. Aaron Goldblatt, '15, was first introduced to the core beliefs of Buddhism when he shopped Culture and Belief 25 at the beginning of the semester. "It was Professor Gyatso's lecture that really got me thinking," remembers Goldblatt. "We're all just, like, a part of the infinite, you know?"

A Prairie Home Without a Companion

The life of Stacey M. Kidder, ’15, is a tragic one. Everywhere she goes she is bombarded with questions – “What is your name? Where are you from?” – but one query hounds her incessantly from her most innocuous calculus class to her most scalding nightmare – “You’re from Minnesota? Where’s your Minnesotan accent?” Such an insensitive and dehumanizing question is positively repetitive. Though Stacey is tactful in her response, “Haha, I don’t know. I can imitate one pretty well, though, don’tchyaknow,” feelings of apathy and indifference simmer beneath her unperturbed demeanor.

Harvard University Dining Services to Implement “Foodless Fridays”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Hot on the heels of its successful introduction of “less-meat Mondays,” Harvard University Dining Services announced yesterday that it will no longer serve food on Fridays.

“After realizing that we could easily remove meat, the most expensive component of our meals, we began to explore additional avenues of cost-cutting,” said HUDS spokesperson Crista Martin. “That led us to the idea of Foodless Fridays. By simply not providing food one day a week, we can cut one-seventh of our annual operating costs.”

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Marijuana Club asks Members to “Throwdown”

The Green Ganja Group, Harvard’s premier stoner club, is taking comps to a new level by requiring prospective members to throw down at least one ounce in order to join. GGG realizes that this requirement might prevent some students from joining, but they hold there are many other opportunities for students to get involved, on and off campus.

Harvard Girls Enjoy Dating Comp

 Senior Jessica Morrissey of Kirkland House has many shining extracurriculars on her resume. She’s an editor of the Crimson and volunteers every weekend in Boston public schools. Still though, she says this year she plans to extend her activities into a new dimension--dating life.

“I think employers really want to see that you’re well rounded. That’s the real reason I’m planning to join a relationship this year. They want to know if you can show affection and possibly sexual desire for another human,” said Morrissey.

Harvard Basketball “Totally Fucked,” Says Coach

CAMBRIDGE, MA - The recent withdrawal of basketball co-captain and last season’s lead scorer Kyle Casey and the expected departure of co-captain Brandyn Curry have left many wondering about the future of the Harvard men’s basketball team. 

“Yeah, we’re totally fucked,” said coach Tommy Amaker. “I’m basically starting a bunch of gawky nerds and hoping for the best.”

Occupy Lamont Protests End, Thousands Dead

CAMBRYDGE, MA -- Harvard Yard was riddled with trenches on Wednesday as the grieving Harvard community banded together to bury its dead after the Occupy Lamont protests degenerated into an apocalyptic bloodletting, which chroniclers and scribes are already referring to as “The Battle of Lamont.”

“This is a dark time for our University,” grunted President Drew Faust as she shoveled loose dirt into a mass grave. “This so-called Battle of Lamont has proved to be even bloodier than The Great Blocking Drama of ’95 and more difficult to clean up than Harvard’s 375th.”

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