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Harvard

Natalie Alvarrez Just Saw Your Email

Natalie Alvarrez, a senior in Currier house has finally responded to your email after "not seeing it." "I literally just saw this email from you and I would love to grab dinner with you some time!" said the short response from Alvarrez, senior in Currier House.  Sources near to Alvarrez confirm that she definitely did not put a star next to your message when it arrived in her inbox 14 hours ago.

Mather Sophomore Can’t Believe That Other Mather Sophomore Can’t Believe That “We’re Almost Juniors!”

Mather sophomore Ernie Jacobson has found it hard to believe that blockmate Julia Frinkle can’t believe that sophomore year is almost over, and that, by extension, junior year has almost begun. 

Julia’s Facebook status, “OMG, TWO YEARS DOWN ALREADY??  I can’t believe we are almost JUNIORS! Thanks everyone for a great year! ” indicated to Ernie that Julia is having difficultly understanding that she is, in fact, almost a junior.  

Soledad O’Brien: “Cee Lo Green Should Be Class Day Speaker, Not Me”

Despite a warm invitation from her alma-mater Harvard College, award-winning journalist Soledad O’Brien has turned down the opportunity to be this year’s Class Day Speaker, citing concerns that she was unfit for the occasion, and suggesting that “Cee Lo Green should be Class Day speaker, not me." 

Harvard Students Lost to Raiders While Crossing Science Center Plaza

Seven Harvard students, along with their local interpreter and guide, have been lost to marauders in an attempted crossing of the Science Center Plaza. The Plaza, a 500 mile long post-apocalyptic wasteland, created during the most recent nuclear conflict between Harvard University and Tufts, has become home to tribes of wandering nomads, each doing their best to stay alive in the irradiated hellhole. Faced with the harsh realities of the no-man’s-land, many of these groups are resorting to violence to meet their needs.

10 Ways to Your TF’s Heart

Maybe you have a crush, or maybe you’re just trying to make up for not reading any of the twelve assigned books. Either way these are ten highly effective ways to your TF’s heart:

 

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Femi Oleowo '14, Nigerian Prince, Stranded in Nigeria for Six Days

LAGOS, NIGERIA -- Oluwafemi Oleowo '14 heads back to campus today after a harrowing 6 day period of being stranded in his home country. Oleowo, [pronounced o-lay-o-woah] the prince of a small municipality in southern Nigeria, decided to take a last minute trip to his kingdom to catch up on the state of affairs, meet with government officials, and most of all get some well deserved R&R.

A Message To The Community

From the Desk of President Drew Gilpin Faust:

Members of the Administration, Resident Deans, and the Faculty,

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

Student Devastated After Hot TF Won’t Put Out Post-Faculty Dinner

What began as a seemingly perfect date night ended in utter tragedy this past Tuesday night as Kirkland Sophomore Jeremiah Fisler came to the realization that Sarah Silverson, his 27 year-old Sex and the Citizen TF, would not put out – even after two glasses of Kirkland’s finest Chateau Domaine de I’Eglise.

Fisler ensured that his extending an invitation to Silverson was not simply a ploy to bring up his less than satisfactory C- in the class, claiming that he honestly loved Sarah and was honored to be able to spend any time with her, if only for one night.

Quiet Kid in Class Actually Just Really Weird

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard junior Trisha Richman was disappointed to find that Alex McGovern, the quiet kid from her English section, is in fact a very strange and socially inept person.

“He just seemed really mysterious,” Richman said of the pale, gangly sophomore. 

Richman, whose previous efforts to engage McGovern in small talk had been unsuccessful, finally managed to corner the mildly anti-social boy with a meticulously crafted question about the relative merits of David Foster Wallace’s The Pale King as a follow-up to Infinite Jest. 

Boston Lawyer – Faust, You Made One Crucial Mistake In Handling The Cheating Scandal: Committing Five Counts of Voluntary Manslaughter

The Room is dark, shades drawn.  Sirens outside.

Well, Drew, I’ve looked over the evidence, and it ain’t pretty.  You didn’t handle this scandal very well.  Not very well at all.  

Listen, I could handle the lying.  I could handle the lying about the lying.  Heck, I could even handle setting up Dean Hammonds to take the fall for the whole mess.  Your mess. 

Lights Cigarette.

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