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Harvard

Hammonds Confesses to Dogecoin Heist

Cambridge—In an announcement that surprised almost no one, Former Dean Evelynn Hammonds confessed to hijacking Harvard’s Odyssey Cluster supercomputer in order to mine the popular cryptocurrency Dogecoin. Hammonds’ confession, published Tuesday in the Crimson, appeared remorseful, with the former Dean expressing her regret for “shaming my fellow shibes” by misusing academic resources.

HUDS Offers Cereal Naming Rights to Donors

Harvard University Dining Services (HUDS) today introduced much-needed transparency to its cereal naming process, unveiling a revolutionary new methodology. The new HUDS Head of Marketing and Strategy announced that they would soon start naming their cereals after alumni who donated generously to the university. Starting next week, students can, for instance, rely on a bowl of Kenneth Griffin Bran Flakes to get them through their 3am problem set sessions.

President Faust Ready To "Beat UC Ass"

As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass." 

Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit.  Shuckle at my teat, vermin."  

Cultural Rhythms Artist of the Year LL Cool J Will Deliver Extended Rendition of "Accidental Racist" at Matinee Show

Rapper LL Cool J, named the artist of the year by the Harvard Foundation for Intercultural and Race Relations last week, will deliver an extended rendition of his 2013 hit “Accidental Racist” at the matinee show Cultural Rhythms 2014. Every year, the Harvard Foundation for Intercultural and Race Relations chooses an artist of the year on the basis of many stringent criteria including contribution to cultural and racial dialogues, quality of service to the community, and appearance price.

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped Under Snowdrift

According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a snowdrift.

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Spare Change Newspaper Vendor Named Dean of Pleasant E-mails

Cambridge, MA—“Young ladies, young men,” began the first message from the newly appointed Dean of Pleasant E-mails. Spare Change Newspaper vendor Gregory Daugherty—a longtime fixture of Harvard Square—was elected unanimously to be the inaugural holder of the position.  “Would you like to read the Dean’s weekly e-mail today?” the message continued, “Don’t be shy. Young man. Young lady.”

Sophomore Sets Record for Number of VES Classes He Has Been Rejected From

Cambridge, MA--- Still in the midst of shopping week, Harvard sophomore Tom Stepps has been rejected from three hundred and fifty seven classes in the VES department. “I thought if I applied to a bunch of them and had a decade of hands-on experience and interest in the visual arts, I could get in,” explained Stepps, “but clearly I should have thought more carefully in the interview about which films have inspired me most.”

President Mayopoulos Declares Martial Law

President Gus Mayopoulos, who reportedly suffers from impotence and a crippling fear of the color orange, has declared a State of Emergency on Harvard’s campus. A curfew is now in effect for all students and professors, who must return to their homes by 10pm and get lunch with him in Kirkland at noon so he does not have to eat alone.

Harvard To Cancel All Government 1300 Courses

Cambridge, MA- Following the bomb threat by a Government 1368 student and the cheating scandal that required over seventy Government 1310 students to take a leave of absence, representatives from Harvard College have announced that all classes in the Government 1300 sequence will be canceled indefinitely.

Coop Stops Rebates, Humanities Concentrators Lose “Feeling of Getting Paid”

After 131 years of issuing rebates in the form of checks to student customers, the Coop recently started doing instant discounts on all purchases. Since its decision, the store, with its little known and little advertised Harvard affiliation, has received mixed reviews about the change.
 

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