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Food Literacy Project: "In Today's World, A Potato Needs At Least A College Education"

Sandra Changas, President of the Food Literacy Project, spoke out Thursday against budget cuts targeting the FLP.

 “The Food Literacy Project has made great strides in educating produce, regardless of gender, creed, or color of peel.   And while crop-based literacy has been our foundation, it’s no longer enough: everyone knows that in today’s world, a potato needs at least a college education.”

Winthrop Pressures Lowell to Allow More Backdoor Stuff

Winthrop and Lowell have failed to make any meaningful progress in negotiations over Lowell’s “backdoor.” Despite Winthrop's years of begging, Lowell continues to hold firm that “it’s an exit, not an entrance.” From Lowell’s perspective, its front entrance is perfectly functional and was actually made to receive visitors while the backdoor isn’t always so tidy. As Lowell puts it, “I would never live it down if Winthrop found a mess back there.” Besides, Lowell says, “it’s a little more romantic to be able to see people as they come in.”

Friday Advice Column, by Section Dick

I’m a college freshman, and frankly I’ve been having a really hard time adjusting to life here at school. I don’t know any of the girls on my floor, and haven’t made any other friends. I want to get involved with extracurriculars, but I’m not sure which and it’s all pretty overwhelming. I know this is mostly my fault, but is there anything easy I can do to fix it?

-Laura, Wigglesworth 207

Final Clubs Change Name of "Punch" to "Stroke"

In an effort to make the joining process for prospective members less threatening, the  eight presidents of Harvard’s final clubs met this week and determined to change the name of the process from “punching” to “stroking”. 

Science Center E Regrets Linking with Science Centers A-D

After forty years of half-hearted texts and occasional birthday get-togethers, Science Center E has finally admitted that linking with Science Centers A-D has not been as good as he had originally hoped.

“I’m so happy that we’re only a staircase away from each other and all,” said E, “but it just feels like I never see them anymore.”

B was not surprised. “I knew that this would happen from the beginning. C was always the closest to him, but ever since she got Science and Cooking, she’s been pretty preoccupied. I guess the rest of us just kind of forgot about E.”

HUPD: "Holy Christ - You Guys Are On Your Own."

As Mass Ave ran red with blood and hellish screams tore open the night, Commissioner Bentham of the Harvard University Police Department has announced that HUPD has “lost control of Cambridge and the immediate Harvard campus” and that Harvard students are “on your own, kids.  God save your souls.” 

Bentham, who spoke via a secure phone line in a HUPD saferoom, wished Harvard students the best of luck, but emphasized that HUPD can no longer provide any protection to students.

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Sophomore Finds Cockroach in Quad Double, Loses All Faith

Emily A. Glennbury ‘16 was “shocked, saddened and entirely existentially disillusioned” to find a cockroach in her Cabot double this Friday.
 
“At first, I thought it was a piece of brownie,” said Glennbury, referring to the dessert she had managed to snag from Cabot before they ran out, which often happens because a surprising number of people actually do come to its brain break.
 

"Facebook Famous" Freshman Eats Dinner Alone in Annenberg

Jerry Harper, a freshman who has befriended over 65% of the class of 2017 on Facebook, has eaten dinner alone in Annenberg for the 30th time this semester.

Dean Pfister the Old Man from "Home Alone"

After weeks of investigating, Satire V has discovered that Donald Pfister, interim dean of Harvard College and Cartoon Network voice actor, is actually that old neighbor from the classic 1990 Christmas film "Home Alone."  

UC Gets Weekend Morning Quad Shuttles, Fails To End Ethnic Violence in Iraq

This morning Undergraduate Council President Tara Raghuveer congratulated the student representatives of the UC for “winning back weekend shuttles for all students,” though she conspicuously did not mention the UC’s failure to stop the near constant bloodshed in Iraq.

“This is what happens when you demand relevance!” shouted Raghuveer joyously, as the Shia and Sunnis of Fallujah looked upon each other as deadly insurgents instead of countrymen.

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