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Harvard Sophomore Takes Perfect Selfie

Cambridge, MA – Harvard sophomore Emily Bernard captured what many have described as “the perfect selfie.” The picture has garnered over 75 likes on Facebook since Bernard posted it last Friday night.

 The photo, taken on Bernard’s iPhone 4s, depicts Bernard reflected in a bathroom mirror, leaning forward slightly and pursing her lips. Bernard also shared the photo over Instagram, applying a tasteful sepia tone filter.

 “It shows just enough cleavage so I look hot, but not so much that I look slutty, y’know?” said Bernard.

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Junior Too Embarrassed to Ask For Directions, Misses Midterm

Peter Farmington, a junior in Lowell House, missed his midterm last Thursday after failing to locate Emerson Hall. Farmington, who is concentrating in mechanical engineering, explained that he failed to look up the building prior to leaving his room. When he reached the Yard, he panicked, realizing that he did know know which one was Emerson Hall. “I had a class or two in Sever freshman year,” said Farmington, “but other than that I spend most of my time in Pierce Hall in the dead of night, like all Mechanical Engineers.

Dean Pfister Tormented by Evil Spirits

On October 31, Donald Pfister, Dean of the College and star of the hit Broadway musical Little Shop of Horrors, reported several spooky events occurring in his Harvard Office.

“Oh yeah, sure, there’s lots of creepy things going on,” said the Asa Gray Professor of Systematic Botany.  “Do you want some candy before I get started?  Maybe a Tootsie Roll or something?”

Spectre of Communism Haunts Harvard Economics Department

Cambridge, MA- Littauer Hall, home to the Harvard Economics Department, has been the scene of strange happenings. Reports of mysterious events have led some faculty members to speculate that the spectre of Communism, not seen since the Soviet Collapse in 1991, has indeed returned.

Lights flickering on and off and loud noises have been continuous, as well as the department’s bust of Hegel repeatedly being turned on its head.

Add-Drop Deadline Approaches For Friends Made During Orientation

Several weeks after latching on to FOP tripmates, strangers from Annenberg, and even Facebook Celebrities to satisfy friendship requirements, many freshmen reassess their social circles as this semester’s Friend Add-drop deadline approaches.

 “We just thought it was the right thing to do,” commented Thomas Dingman, “I mean, who wants to end up friends with the random smelly guy who they talked to at convocation?”

Nobody Stabbed in JFK Park This Week

In a shocking turn of events, not a single person was stabbed at John F. Kennedy Park near Harvard Square this past week. This follows stabbings that occurred on September 8 and 30 of this year.

The addition of barbed-wire fences surrounding the park and metal detectors at all possible points of entry is believed to be part of the reason for the decrease in violent crime. Anybody who wishes to enjoy the park must now go through an airport-style security check before entering.

Freshman Takes 9 Midterms In One Day

Freshman Sarah Schultz, ’17, was surprised to find she took nine midterms last Friday, the majority of which were for classes in which she was not even enrolled. Miss Schultz had her Ec 10 and LS1A midterms on the same day but ended up taking an extra seven midterms without even realizing it.

Conflicted Homophobic Student Wants Rainbow Cake

CAMBRIDGE, MA – While passing by an on-campus celebration in honor of BGLTQ history month, deeply homophobic sophomore Danny Larson underwent a moral conflict upon seeing the “delicious-looking” rainbow cake being served at the party. 

“It was a tough moment for me,” Larson said. “I definitely don’t support gay rights or agree with the homosexual lifestyle, but that rainbow cake looked fabulous.” 

Harvard Football Beats, Um, Brown? Did We Play Brown?

Last Saturday Harvard’s football team claimed another win over a team that was probably Brown, possibly Columbia, most likely not Notre Dame.

 The wide receiver caught the ball some number of times, and the linebacker ran with the ball for a good number of minutes. It is also reported that the quarterback threw the ball, giving Harvard a huge advantage over the opposing team.

 Football is a sport.

Crimson Reporter Unreasonably Proud of Pun

Sources say Harvard Crimson opinion writer Sam Thulman, ’16, is chuckling to himself in the newsroom over a brilliant play on words, after using the term “nocturnal emissions” to describe the ongoing issue of light pollution in the Boston night sky.

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