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Yale Football Team Watches The Sound of Music to Get Pumped for The Game

NEW HAVEN, CT--Ahead of the much-anticipated annual match-up between the Harvard and Yale football teams, scouting reports indicate the Yale  Football team is watching The Sound of Music as a morale-building exercise.

Nation Readies Itself for Presidential Election After Rough Dress Rehearsal

WASHINGTON -- After nearly two years of practice leading up to the final dress rehearsal, America performed well below expectations in its November 8th performance of Election Day.
 
President Barack Obama issued a statement in front of the country Wednesday morning in which he expressed his profound disappointment in the results and made suggestions to prepare for the real showing. 
 

Day 236: Still Out Here Waiting on the Fucking Steps to the Congressional Building

Dear Senate,

Based on the lunar phases, it is goddamn Day 236. You have still not voted on my fucking nomination, and I have been waiting on these god forsaken stairs outside of Congress—no food, no water, no gavel—since March.

My shit kids used to visit me twice a day. Now, I’m lucky if those bastards shoot me a message over AIM. My wife already remarried to some poor shmuck named Juan-Carlos. I only find company in this homeless man Craig that wanders over during frigid nights. I am always the small spoon.

LEAKED: Transcript of the Obama/Trump Meeting

Satire V acquired the following leaked transcript of Thursday’s meeting between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump:

 

DONALD TRUMP: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President. Really it’s quite an honor. I’m hoping we can work together during this time—

BARACK OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. Cut the shit. Listen, Donald—can I call you Donald?

DT: Oh, uh, I guess? Can I call you Barack?

BO: No. Listen, Donald, you better have a seat. (Lighting a cigarette) Want one?

LEAKED: Donald Trump's Cabinet Picks

As pundits and reporters continue to speculate about whom Donald Trump will pick to fill key roles in his administration, Satire V has exclusively acquired a list of President-elect Trump's picks:

 

Secretary of Transportation: Chris Christie

Russian Ambassador: Vladimir Putin

Secretary of Homeland Security: Jason Bourne

Secretary of Homeland: Claire Danes

Trump Resigns After Winning Joke Campaign; Sietse Goffard Appointed VP

WASHINGTON, DC--Following a stunning victory on November 8, president-elect Donald J. Trump dropped another bombshell earlier today when he announced his intent to resign from the position immediately.

“THANK YOU AMERICA,” the real-estate and media mogul tweeted at 3:45 AM. “Incredible + unbelievable support. Together we will #MAGA. But it’s time for me to focus on Trump TV."

Trump Introduces Glass Ceiling Reinforcement Project, Creates Thousands of Jobs for White Men

NEW YORK, NY--In his first concrete policy proposal, president-elect Donald Trump has outlined a plan to rebuild America’s crumbling infrastructure, starting with repairing and reinforcing the glass ceiling that bars women and minorities from advancing in their professions. Trump hopes this plan will create hundreds of thousands of jobs for white, Christian men across the United States.

 

Obama Not Mad at Nation, Just Disappointed

WASHINGTON -- As President Barack Obama prepares to hand off the presidency to businessman and birther conspiracy theorist Donald Trump, he sternly told the nation today that he's "not mad, just disappointed."
 
"Look, when I said my legacy was on the line in this election, I meant it," said Obama. "I didn't think you'd take this big of a shit on it, but now that you have, I want to let you know that I am capable of forgiveness." 
 

Why the Fuck Did I Drop Out Again?

Hey America,

You probably don’t remember me. A lot of shit has gone down since we last talked. So here's a quick refresher: I ran for Vice President in 2004 and President in 2008. I really fit the bill: I was white, I was male, and I was generic-looking—like a Kennedy with less defined cheekbones.

Uh oh! The Secret Service Just Lost Barack Obama

Secret Service

WASHINGTON — Whoops! According to reports, the United States Secret Service just lost President Barack Obama.

What a total brain fart! It looks like President Obama went missing after last night's rally for Hillary Clinton in Philadelphia. He hasn't been seen since!

"We seem to have misplaced President Obama," said Director of the Secret Service Joseph Clancy. "No need to worry, though. I'm sure he'll turn up soon...hopefully."

¡Ay, caramba! This is quite a doozy!

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