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LEAKED: Transcript of the Obama/Trump Meeting

Satire V acquired the following leaked transcript of Thursday’s meeting between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump:

 

DONALD TRUMP: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President. Really it’s quite an honor. I’m hoping we can work together during this time—

BARACK OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. Cut the shit. Listen, Donald—can I call you Donald?

DT: Oh, uh, I guess? Can I call you Barack?

BO: No. Listen, Donald, you better have a seat. (Lighting a cigarette) Want one?

LEAKED: Donald Trump's Cabinet Picks

As pundits and reporters continue to speculate about whom Donald Trump will pick to fill key roles in his administration, Satire V has exclusively acquired a list of President-elect Trump's picks:

 

Secretary of Transportation: Chris Christie

Russian Ambassador: Vladimir Putin

Secretary of Homeland Security: Jason Bourne

Secretary of Homeland: Claire Danes

Trump Resigns After Winning Joke Campaign; Sietse Goffard Appointed VP

WASHINGTON, DC--Following a stunning victory on November 8, president-elect Donald J. Trump dropped another bombshell earlier today when he announced his intent to resign from the position immediately.

“THANK YOU AMERICA,” the real-estate and media mogul tweeted at 3:45 AM. “Incredible + unbelievable support. Together we will #MAGA. But it’s time for me to focus on Trump TV."

Trump Introduces Glass Ceiling Reinforcement Project, Creates Thousands of Jobs for White Men

NEW YORK, NY--In his first concrete policy proposal, president-elect Donald Trump has outlined a plan to rebuild America’s crumbling infrastructure, starting with repairing and reinforcing the glass ceiling that bars women and minorities from advancing in their professions. Trump hopes this plan will create hundreds of thousands of jobs for white, Christian men across the United States.

 

Obama Not Mad at Nation, Just Disappointed

WASHINGTON -- As President Barack Obama prepares to hand off the presidency to businessman and birther conspiracy theorist Donald Trump, he sternly told the nation today that he's "not mad, just disappointed."
 
"Look, when I said my legacy was on the line in this election, I meant it," said Obama. "I didn't think you'd take this big of a shit on it, but now that you have, I want to let you know that I am capable of forgiveness." 
 

Why the Fuck Did I Drop Out Again?

Hey America,

You probably don’t remember me. A lot of shit has gone down since we last talked. So here's a quick refresher: I ran for Vice President in 2004 and President in 2008. I really fit the bill: I was white, I was male, and I was generic-looking—like a Kennedy with less defined cheekbones.

Uh oh! The Secret Service Just Lost Barack Obama

Secret Service

WASHINGTON — Whoops! According to reports, the United States Secret Service just lost President Barack Obama.

What a total brain fart! It looks like President Obama went missing after last night's rally for Hillary Clinton in Philadelphia. He hasn't been seen since!

"We seem to have misplaced President Obama," said Director of the Secret Service Joseph Clancy. "No need to worry, though. I'm sure he'll turn up soon...hopefully."

¡Ay, caramba! This is quite a doozy!

No Matter Who Wins the Election, I’ll Still Be Trapped in This Damn Jar

Media outlets have been calling this a "historic" election, one that will "change the course of US politics." Frankly, I disagree. Whether Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump ends up in the Oval Office, I’ll still be stuck in this goddamn jar, just like I’ve been for the past 30 years. 

LEAKED: Transcript of Hillary Clinton’s Tech Support Phone Call

JANUARY 15, 2015

Tech Support: To speak to a representative, please say, “representative.”

Hillary Clinton: Representative.

TS: This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes.

HRC: Honey, all calls are monitored, but it ain’t for quality—

TS: Hi this is Meredith speaking. How may I help you today?

HRC: Oh hi there Meredith! I’m having a bit of a problem with my private server and I was wondering if you could help a sister out.

Dude Who Once Ate Deep-Dish Pizza “Unbelievably Proud of My Cubbies”

PORTLAND, OR — Tyler Phillips, a 27-year-old dude who ate deep-dish pizza once, took to Facebook on Saturday to tell his friends how “deeply, truly, unbelievably proud I am of my Cubbies.” He added, “They are not just my Cubbies. They are our Cubbies. They are Chicago’s Cubbies. They are America’s Cubbies.”

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