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Artillery Experts Say America’s Queer Cannon Needs an Update

queer cannon

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Patrick Shanahan, deputy secretary of the Department of Defense, announced this week that America’s historic queer cannon is in need of a makeover. The cannon, which has been around since the Civil War, has exploded in public approval over the past few years after receiving fiery opposition for several centuries.

Report: 92% of Americans Believe “Bolivia” Just Misspelling of Girl’s Name

globe

ANYTOWN, USA — A recent study from the Pew Research Center discovered that 92% of Americans believe "Bolivia" is just "Olivia" but slightly misspelled.

Concluding that the “B” must be silent, a hefty majority of survey respondents surmised that the country “Bolivia” was an alternate spelling of one of the most popular American baby names.

Karen R. Jones, one of study's interviewees, commented, "I figured it was just one of those fancy new celebrity names! If Kim Kardashian can name her kid something fake like 'Chicago,' Bolivia seems like fair game."

Four-Hour-Long Documentary About Iraq War Disappoints Marvel Fans

Marvel fanboys, superhero geeks, and Stan Lee disguised as a moviegoer piled into movie theaters around the country this week to see Marvel Studios' Avengers: Infinity War. Though the film had been touted as the epic climax to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, moviegoers were disappointed to discover that it was just a four-hour-long documentary about the American invasion of Iraq.

Tables Turn on Fifth Graders with New Game Show “We Bet You’re Not as Smart as an Adult, You Smug Little Asshole”

5th grade

LOS ANGELES, CA — This past Wednesday, Fox announced the launch of a new game show, We Bet You're Not as Smart as an Adult, You Smug Little Asshole.

The show is a spin-off of the popular game show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, in which adults are quizzed with questions from a fifth grade textbook. The new show puts the fifth graders in the hot seat.

Black Police Officer Feels He Has No Choice but to Call Police on Self

Police Car

LOS ANGELES, CA — On Monday, Terrence C. Jones, an LAPD police officer, called fellow police officers on himself. During his daily 3:00 p.m. bathroom break, Jones looked up from washing his hands, and the mirror above the sink proved him guilty on an unmistakable crime: existing while black.

“When I was a kid, my parents gave me ‘the talk’ about racism and police brutality so I could try to protect myself,” Jones said. “They told me to how to dress and how to speak, but they didn’t prepare me for the day I’d have to call the police on myself.” 

Rubinoff Announces New “Cigarettes” Flavor

Rubinoff bottle

MOSCOW, IDAHO — On Tuesday, budget vodka giant Rubinoff announced a collaboration with Marlboro to produce an addition to Rubinoff's extensive flavor collection: “Cigarettes.”

“We’ve already established a market as the drink of choice for fraternity members and broke college freshmen, and we’ve been looking to expand into a new market,” explained head of marketing Vladislav Jones. “This flavor is for sensitive, angsty, ‘starving artist’ types."

ROMAINE CALM!!

romaine lettuce

By Big Lettuce (TM)

Recently, there have bean lots of rumors surrounding the E. coli outbreak. The CDC and FDA released warnings about olive the lettuce originating in Arizona. We understand government propaganda can be a difficult maize to navigate for the common person, so lettuce be clear: There is absolutely no raisin to worry. So please, ROMAINE CALM.

On Career Day, White Kindergartners Learn They Can Be Anything Except Terrorists

Classroom

MILWAUKEE, WI — At the Milwaukee Day School’s annual kindergarten Career Day, students were exposed to an array of career opportunities, including firefighting and nursing, but were shocked to learn that they cannot become terrorists when they grow up.

The kids—who heard from professionals working in fields like journalism, education, and law—were confused. “Is it because terrorists are bad?” Poppy Stevens, a bright-eyed five-year-old, asked.

Tammy Duckworth’s Newborn to Caucus with Republicans

Tammy Duckworth and baby

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After the Senate voted unanimously to allow Senator Tammy Duckworth to bring her newborn, Maile Pearl Bowlsbey, onto the Senate floor, the newborn child surprised onlookers by voting Republican.

Chuck Schumer, the Minority Leader, reportedly pleaded with the child, promising her all the baby formula she could want and a brand new blanket to swaddle in. Mitch McConnell, the Majority Leader, countered with an offer of a separate room from her sister and a tax cut which will take effect after her college graduation.

I've Only Ever Lived in a World Where the “Law and Order” Franchise Was on TV, and I Don’t Know What Life Would Be Like Without It

Man watching tv

I was born in the late '90s, seven whole years after that blue “Law” and that red “Order” graced TV screens in every household. If households were even a thing before Law & Order.

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