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Area Man Yells at TV, Changes Sports Outcome

BOSTON, MA - After a lifetime of insisting to his wife that homegrown enthusiasm really can change the spirit of a sports game, 56-year-old Bob Leftwich finally emerged victorious after the Patriots miraculously won the Super Bowl on a last minute touchdown.

Somehow balancing an open beer on his gut without spilling, Leftwich grew increasingly livid at his TV when Tom Brady wasn’t producing the god-like plays that he expected.

According to sources, he took his anger out on the referees, screaming at them, “Hey ref, can I pet your seeing-eye dog?”

EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s New Book

Hillary Clinton, the failed Democratic contender for President of the United States in 2016, recently announced that she is penning a new book to be published by Simon & Schuster this fall. Tentatively titled Reflections on Change, the book will discuss Clinton’s path from ambitious Wellesley graduate to Secretary of State, the bruising 2016 election, and the quotes that continue to motivate her. Satire V has obtained this exclusive excerpt from her book below:

 

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I Have to Admit, This Is Pretty Funny, in a Dark Way

Hi there, how’s everyone doing? I bet you didn’t think you’d be seeing any more of me after two failed presidential campaigns, but look how things have ended up—I’ve been nominated to be the Secretary of Energy! I know I’ll face some serious responsibilities in my new role, but in the meantime, I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge how funny this whole thing is.

Scientists Finally Determine Amount of Racism White Liberals Will Tolerate

PASADENA, CA - A team of scientists at the California Institute of Technology announced today that, after years of research, they have finally determined the amount of racism that white liberals are willing to tolerate.
 
"This has been a long and arduous project, and we're glad it has reached a satisfying conclusion," said Dr. Hannah Underwood, the project's head researcher. "Some things were obvious. Slavery, the Klan—white liberals obviously find those repulsive."
 

Immigrants to Publish Weekly List of Crimes Committed by Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In response to President Trump's executive order last Wednesday, all immigrants in the United States have collectively issued an order to publish a comprehensive list of criminal actions committed by Trump each week of his presidency.

Paul Ryan Sheepishly Inquires About When Tax Cuts Will Begin

WASHINGTON — After a week in which President Donald Trump imposed sweeping immigration restrictions, pulled out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, directed the construction of a wall along the US-Mexican border, and began to dismantle Obamacare, among other things, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan sheepishly inquired about when tax cuts would begin.

“M-m-mister P-p-president?” began Ryan as he cautiously approached the President’s desk. “I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job—tremendous, in fact,” Ryan added with a forced chuckle.

Man Who Supported Mass Deportations, Authoritarianism Inspires Rich Liberals to Fight Mass Deportations, Authoritarianism

NEW YORK, NY--Still dominating Broadway over a year after opening, Hamilton: An American Musical has become a rallying point for the American Left. Starting with the cast's open letter to Mike Pence, the show has galvanized well-meaning white people in a way that would have horrified its fascistic protagonist.
 

Barron Trump, White House Butler Embark on First of Many Wacky Adventures

WASHINGTON – Barron Trump, son of President Donald Trump, and White House butler Reginald Yarmouth teamed up for an exciting adventure today.

“Master Barron, this is much too risky. When your father hears about this—” said Yarmouth before being cut off by the youngest Trump.

“Come on Reginald! Don’t you want to see what’s behind that secret door in the Lincoln bedroom? It will only take a couple seconds I swear!”

Thousands of Felines March in Pussies’ Catwalk on Washington

WASHINGTON — In a pawesome display of feline solidarity, thousands of cats marched this Saturday in the Pussies’ Catwalk on Washington, protesting the inclawguration of President Donald J. Rump.

Swarming the nation’s catitol in unprecedented numbers, felines of all shapes and sizes carried homemade signs as they pranced through the city—“A Pussy’s Place Is in the Mouse and the Senate,” “Don’t Grab Me By the Me,” “Only Scaredy-Cats Fear Pussies,” “We’ve Strayed Too Fur,” "The Future Is Feline."

Undocumented Mathematician Deems Proof of US Citizenship Trivial

This is a neighborhood, right?

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard postdoc and undocumented immigrant Juan Rivera has made waves in the political and mathematical worlds by proving his right to remain in the country without US citizenship. In his paper, Rivera argues that the proof against his deportation “is trivial and left to the reader as an exercise in empathy and humanity." 

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