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Rubinoff Announces New “Cigarettes” Flavor

Rubinoff bottle

MOSCOW, IDAHO — On Tuesday, budget vodka giant Rubinoff announced a collaboration with Marlboro to produce an addition to Rubinoff's extensive flavor collection: “Cigarettes.”

“We’ve already established a market as the drink of choice for fraternity members and broke college freshmen, and we’ve been looking to expand into a new market,” explained head of marketing Vladislav Jones. “This flavor is for sensitive, angsty, ‘starving artist’ types."

ROMAINE CALM!!

romaine lettuce

By Big Lettuce (TM)

Recently, there have bean lots of rumors surrounding the E. coli outbreak. The CDC and FDA released warnings about olive the lettuce originating in Arizona. We understand government propaganda can be a difficult maize to navigate for the common person, so lettuce be clear: There is absolutely no raisin to worry. So please, ROMAINE CALM.

On Career Day, White Kindergartners Learn They Can Be Anything Except Terrorists

Classroom

MILWAUKEE, WI — At the Milwaukee Day School’s annual kindergarten Career Day, students were exposed to an array of career opportunities, including firefighting and nursing, but were shocked to learn that they cannot become terrorists when they grow up.

The kids—who heard from professionals working in fields like journalism, education, and law—were confused. “Is it because terrorists are bad?” Poppy Stevens, a bright-eyed five-year-old, asked.

Tammy Duckworth’s Newborn to Caucus with Republicans

Tammy Duckworth and baby

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After the Senate voted unanimously to allow Senator Tammy Duckworth to bring her newborn, Maile Pearl Bowlsbey, onto the Senate floor, the newborn child surprised onlookers by voting Republican.

Chuck Schumer, the Minority Leader, reportedly pleaded with the child, promising her all the baby formula she could want and a brand new blanket to swaddle in. Mitch McConnell, the Majority Leader, countered with an offer of a separate room from her sister and a tax cut which will take effect after her college graduation.

I've Only Ever Lived in a World Where the “Law and Order” Franchise Was on TV, and I Don’t Know What Life Would Be Like Without It

Man watching tv

I was born in the late '90s, seven whole years after that blue “Law” and that red “Order” graced TV screens in every household. If households were even a thing before Law & Order.

Paul Ryan's Children Running for Congress to Spend More Time Away from Father

JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN — The children of Paul Ryan, the Speaker of the House, just declared their joint candidacy for his vacant seat in Congress in order to spend more time away from their father.

"When Dad announced his retirement today, he said that he was stepping down to spend more time with us," explained the kids. "He could have, like, consulted us first. We don't want to spend more time with him."

Area Child Gets Elective Appendectomy Because “Madeline Made It Seem So Badass”

Madeline
BOSTON, MASS.—On Tuesday, area child Anne P. Johnson became the first minor to undergo an elective appendectomy in an attempt to emulate the titular character in the 1939 children’s book Madeline. The eight-year-old knew the surgery was risky but went through with the operation to “have a badass scar like Madeline's.”

A Budding Entrepreneur: This Man Sold His Data Directly to Third-Party Marketers

a farmer on an ipad
OMAHA, NE—When personal information harvested from more than 50 million Facebook profiles was used to influence the 2016 election, area man Tim P. Bradford made a smart decision: He sold his data directly to third-party marketers!
 
WOW. Talk about the next Bill Gates! 
 
Instead of churning out data for the big billionaires, this hardworking American decided to circumvent the middle man and profit from his own freshly harvested information. Brilliant! 
 

Sorry For Not Protecting Your Information, You Dumb Fucks

A clear photo of Mark Zuckerberg against a white background
Dear Facebook community,
 
You may have heard that a political consulting firm associated with Steve Bannon gained access to information from more than 50 million Facebook user profiles. This is a breach of trust. I am sorry for not preventing it, you motherfucking imbeciles who "skimmed" the terms and conditions.
 

The Future President Probably Has a Finsta Right Now, Historians Declare

girl on phone

After an annual conference in Chicago this week, a panel of presidential historians declared that the future President of the United States probably has a finsta right now.

"We ran some tests, analyzed some focus groups, and crunched some numbers," explained Princeton professor Alfred Q. Ellington, "and we concluded that there is a very good chance that the 50th president is currently posting photos of a sunset on her rinsta and is divulging her real feelings about that bitch Stacey on her finsta."

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