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9 Signs Your Democratically Elected President is Totally a Dictator

So your country has snagged itself a new democratically elected president. Congratulations! However, you’re worried that he might actually be a dictator. Uh oh! Here are nine foolproof ways to tell if your democratically elected president is actually an autocrat:

1) He’s stopped initiating press conferences. During the campaign, your democratically elected president was constantly initiating press conferences. Now he’s retreated to his luxury Manhattan apartment and only communicates with the press via Twitter. That sounds like a dictatorial dealbreaker!

Obama, Trump Bond Over a Game of Drone Strikes

WASHINGTON - As tensions appear to mount between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump, the two met at the White House today to get to know each other better by playing a rousing game of drone strikes.
 
"Ooo, look Barack! I got one!" said Trump as Obama showed him the ropes this afternoon in the Situation Room.
 
"Uh, actually, you missed. You were supposed to hit the Taliban hideout next to the playground," responded Obama. "But no worries. Happens all the time."
 

Physician Declares Donald Trump “Healthiest Man Alive” As President-elect Coughs Up Blood

NEW YORK, NY -- After a physical examination early Thursday morning in which Dr. Harold N. Bornstein M.D., Donald J. Trump’s physician, watched the President-elect cough up blood and eat three Big Macs on his exam table, Bornstein today released the following statement: “Donald Trump is the healthiest man alive. He is in perfect shape. I’ve never seen a healthier man in my life.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger Wins Pectoral College Vote

WASHINGTON — Earlier this morning, the Pectoral College declared Arnold Schwarzenegger the winner of its quadrennial “Bro-mander in Chief” award, given every four years to the best bodybuilder in America. The College, an illustrious body of 538 expert judges, had spent over a month weighing the decision carefully. Ultimately, the College concluded that Schwarzenegger had the strength and stamina necessary to become the leader of the free-weight world, citing his extensive experience in the House of Reps.

Legal System Accidentally Does Its Job in Dylann Roof Case

CHARLESTON, SC--The nation united in shock and horror today after a Charleston County jury found white supremacist Dylann Roof guilty on thirty-three federal hate crimes charges. Such a display of competence and of respect for black lives that has irreparably shaken Americans' faith in their legal system's ability to utterly fuck things up.

Mitt Romney Relieved He Might Still Be Hero in Future History Books

LA JOLLA, CA--Fading out of the public eye after press reports linked Rex Tillerson to the position of Secretary of State, 2012 presidential candidate and former Never Trumper Mitt Romney has announced his joy that future historians may, in fact, still view him as a hero.

 

"For a while there, after that whole dinner photo thing, I was seriously worried future generations might view me as another sellout," the former Massachusetts overnor who still could be respected by our descendants confirmed to reporters.

 

Eighth Annual NSA Secret Santa Ruined by NSA

[REDACTED], USA - In response to the premature end of an annual agency tradition started in 2008, Commander Ad. Michael Rogers confirmed today that the eighth NSA Secret Santa has once again been ruined by the NSA. 

Miss Secretary of State Competition Enters Swimsuit Round

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ — Beneath a glittering wrecking ball outside the bankrupted Trump Taj Mahal on Saturday, the Miss Secretary of State Competition entered its second round: the swimsuit competition.

“Alright, ladies, go on to your dressing rooms and slip into those pretty little bikinis of yours,” the pageant’s host, Chris Christie, bellowed from the stage after contender Mitt Romney finished up the talent competition, in which he twirled a baton to the beat of “America the Beautiful.”

Inspired By Resurgence of Populism, William Jennings Bryan Claws Out of Grave to Make Fourth Presidential Run

DAYTON, TENNESSEE -- In a shocking turn of events this Monday, populist presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan reanimated and dug his way out of his prison beneath the earth after hearing of the recent success of populist ideology in the 2016 presidential election.

Musicals For Trump Supporters Boycotting Hamilton

Guys and Fat Pigs 
 
You're WRONG, Charlie Brown

Something Rotten and Rigged

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