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Immigrants to Publish Weekly List of Crimes Committed by Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In response to President Trump's executive order last Wednesday, all immigrants in the United States have collectively issued an order to publish a comprehensive list of criminal actions committed by Trump each week of his presidency.

Paul Ryan Sheepishly Inquires About When Tax Cuts Will Begin

WASHINGTON — After a week in which President Donald Trump imposed sweeping immigration restrictions, pulled out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, directed the construction of a wall along the US-Mexican border, and began to dismantle Obamacare, among other things, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan sheepishly inquired about when tax cuts would begin.

“M-m-mister P-p-president?” began Ryan as he cautiously approached the President’s desk. “I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job—tremendous, in fact,” Ryan added with a forced chuckle.

Man Who Supported Mass Deportations, Authoritarianism Inspires Rich Liberals to Fight Mass Deportations, Authoritarianism

NEW YORK, NY--Still dominating Broadway over a year after opening, Hamilton: An American Musical has become a rallying point for the American Left. Starting with the cast's open letter to Mike Pence, the show has galvanized well-meaning white people in a way that would have horrified its fascistic protagonist.
 

Barron Trump, White House Butler Embark on First of Many Wacky Adventures

WASHINGTON – Barron Trump, son of President Donald Trump, and White House butler Reginald Yarmouth teamed up for an exciting adventure today.

“Master Barron, this is much too risky. When your father hears about this—” said Yarmouth before being cut off by the youngest Trump.

“Come on Reginald! Don’t you want to see what’s behind that secret door in the Lincoln bedroom? It will only take a couple seconds I swear!”

Thousands of Felines March in Pussies’ Catwalk on Washington

WASHINGTON — In a pawesome display of feline solidarity, thousands of cats marched this Saturday in the Pussies’ Catwalk on Washington, protesting the inclawguration of President Donald J. Rump.

Swarming the nation’s catitol in unprecedented numbers, felines of all shapes and sizes carried homemade signs as they pranced through the city—“A Pussy’s Place Is in the Mouse and the Senate,” “Don’t Grab Me By the Me,” “Only Scaredy-Cats Fear Pussies,” “We’ve Strayed Too Fur,” "The Future Is Feline."

Undocumented Mathematician Deems Proof of US Citizenship Trivial

This is a neighborhood, right?

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard postdoc and undocumented immigrant Juan Rivera has made waves in the political and mathematical worlds by proving his right to remain in the country without US citizenship. In his paper, Rivera argues that the proof against his deportation “is trivial and left to the reader as an exercise in empathy and humanity." 

9 Signs Your Democratically Elected President is Totally a Dictator

So your country has snagged itself a new democratically elected president. Congratulations! However, you’re worried that he might actually be a dictator. Uh oh! Here are nine foolproof ways to tell if your democratically elected president is actually an autocrat:

1) He’s stopped initiating press conferences. During the campaign, your democratically elected president was constantly initiating press conferences. Now he’s retreated to his luxury Manhattan apartment and only communicates with the press via Twitter. That sounds like a dictatorial dealbreaker!

Obama, Trump Bond Over a Game of Drone Strikes

WASHINGTON - As tensions appear to mount between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump, the two met at the White House today to get to know each other better by playing a rousing game of drone strikes.
 
"Ooo, look Barack! I got one!" said Trump as Obama showed him the ropes this afternoon in the Situation Room.
 
"Uh, actually, you missed. You were supposed to hit the Taliban hideout next to the playground," responded Obama. "But no worries. Happens all the time."
 

Physician Declares Donald Trump “Healthiest Man Alive” As President-elect Coughs Up Blood

NEW YORK, NY -- After a physical examination early Thursday morning in which Dr. Harold N. Bornstein M.D., Donald J. Trump’s physician, watched the President-elect cough up blood and eat three Big Macs on his exam table, Bornstein today released the following statement: “Donald Trump is the healthiest man alive. He is in perfect shape. I’ve never seen a healthier man in my life.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger Wins Pectoral College Vote

WASHINGTON — Earlier this morning, the Pectoral College declared Arnold Schwarzenegger the winner of its quadrennial “Bro-mander in Chief” award, given every four years to the best bodybuilder in America. The College, an illustrious body of 538 expert judges, had spent over a month weighing the decision carefully. Ultimately, the College concluded that Schwarzenegger had the strength and stamina necessary to become the leader of the free-weight world, citing his extensive experience in the House of Reps.

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