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Arnold Schwarzenegger Wins Pectoral College Vote

WASHINGTON — Earlier this morning, the Pectoral College declared Arnold Schwarzenegger the winner of its quadrennial “Bro-mander in Chief” award, given every four years to the best bodybuilder in America. The College, an illustrious body of 538 expert judges, had spent over a month weighing the decision carefully. Ultimately, the College concluded that Schwarzenegger had the strength and stamina necessary to become the leader of the free-weight world, citing his extensive experience in the House of Reps.

Legal System Accidentally Does Its Job in Dylann Roof Case

CHARLESTON, SC--The nation united in shock and horror today after a Charleston County jury found white supremacist Dylann Roof guilty on thirty-three federal hate crimes charges. Such a display of competence and of respect for black lives that has irreparably shaken Americans' faith in their legal system's ability to utterly fuck things up.

Mitt Romney Relieved He Might Still Be Hero in Future History Books

LA JOLLA, CA--Fading out of the public eye after press reports linked Rex Tillerson to the position of Secretary of State, 2012 presidential candidate and former Never Trumper Mitt Romney has announced his joy that future historians may, in fact, still view him as a hero.

 

"For a while there, after that whole dinner photo thing, I was seriously worried future generations might view me as another sellout," the former Massachusetts overnor who still could be respected by our descendants confirmed to reporters.

 

Eighth Annual NSA Secret Santa Ruined by NSA

[REDACTED], USA - In response to the premature end of an annual agency tradition started in 2008, Commander Ad. Michael Rogers confirmed today that the eighth NSA Secret Santa has once again been ruined by the NSA. 

Miss Secretary of State Competition Enters Swimsuit Round

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ — Beneath a glittering wrecking ball outside the bankrupted Trump Taj Mahal on Saturday, the Miss Secretary of State Competition entered its second round: the swimsuit competition.

“Alright, ladies, go on to your dressing rooms and slip into those pretty little bikinis of yours,” the pageant’s host, Chris Christie, bellowed from the stage after contender Mitt Romney finished up the talent competition, in which he twirled a baton to the beat of “America the Beautiful.”

Inspired By Resurgence of Populism, William Jennings Bryan Claws Out of Grave to Make Fourth Presidential Run

DAYTON, TENNESSEE -- In a shocking turn of events this Monday, populist presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan reanimated and dug his way out of his prison beneath the earth after hearing of the recent success of populist ideology in the 2016 presidential election.

Musicals For Trump Supporters Boycotting Hamilton

Guys and Fat Pigs 
 
You're WRONG, Charlie Brown

Something Rotten and Rigged

Yale Football Team Watches The Sound of Music to Get Pumped for The Game

NEW HAVEN, CT--Ahead of the much-anticipated annual match-up between the Harvard and Yale football teams, scouting reports indicate the Yale  Football team is watching The Sound of Music as a morale-building exercise.

Nation Readies Itself for Presidential Election After Rough Dress Rehearsal

WASHINGTON -- After nearly two years of practice leading up to the final dress rehearsal, America performed well below expectations in its November 8th performance of Election Day.
 
President Barack Obama issued a statement in front of the country Wednesday morning in which he expressed his profound disappointment in the results and made suggestions to prepare for the real showing. 
 

Day 236: Still Out Here Waiting on the Fucking Steps to the Congressional Building

Dear Senate,

Based on the lunar phases, it is goddamn Day 236. You have still not voted on my fucking nomination, and I have been waiting on these god forsaken stairs outside of Congress—no food, no water, no gavel—since March.

My shit kids used to visit me twice a day. Now, I’m lucky if those bastards shoot me a message over AIM. My wife already remarried to some poor shmuck named Juan-Carlos. I only find company in this homeless man Craig that wanders over during frigid nights. I am always the small spoon.

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