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Paul Ryan's Children Running for Congress to Spend More Time Away from Father

JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN — The children of Paul Ryan, the Speaker of the House, just declared their joint candidacy for his vacant seat in Congress in order to spend more time away from their father.

"When Dad announced his retirement today, he said that he was stepping down to spend more time with us," explained the kids. "He could have, like, consulted us first. We don't want to spend more time with him."

Area Child Gets Elective Appendectomy Because “Madeline Made It Seem So Badass”

Madeline
BOSTON, MASS.—On Tuesday, area child Anne P. Johnson became the first minor to undergo an elective appendectomy in an attempt to emulate the titular character in the 1939 children’s book Madeline. The eight-year-old knew the surgery was risky but went through with the operation to “have a badass scar like Madeline's.”

A Budding Entrepreneur: This Man Sold His Data Directly to Third-Party Marketers

a farmer on an ipad
OMAHA, NE—When personal information harvested from more than 50 million Facebook profiles was used to influence the 2016 election, area man Tim P. Bradford made a smart decision: He sold his data directly to third-party marketers!
 
WOW. Talk about the next Bill Gates! 
 
Instead of churning out data for the big billionaires, this hardworking American decided to circumvent the middle man and profit from his own freshly harvested information. Brilliant! 
 

Sorry For Not Protecting Your Information, You Dumb Fucks

A clear photo of Mark Zuckerberg against a white background
Dear Facebook community,
 
You may have heard that a political consulting firm associated with Steve Bannon gained access to information from more than 50 million Facebook user profiles. This is a breach of trust. I am sorry for not preventing it, you motherfucking imbeciles who "skimmed" the terms and conditions.
 

The Future President Probably Has a Finsta Right Now, Historians Declare

girl on phone

After an annual conference in Chicago this week, a panel of presidential historians declared that the future President of the United States probably has a finsta right now.

"We ran some tests, analyzed some focus groups, and crunched some numbers," explained Princeton professor Alfred Q. Ellington, "and we concluded that there is a very good chance that the 50th president is currently posting photos of a sunset on her rinsta and is divulging her real feelings about that bitch Stacey on her finsta."

Dad to Misbehaving Son: “You Can Expect a Tweet Tomorrow Morning, Young Man”

trump and tillerson

BOSTON, MASS.—After spending the entire school term clashing with his father, a local father told 14-year-old Devin L. Dunlap that he can expect a tweet tomorrow morning. This ultimatum is a blow to Dunlap, who must now dread a 280-character missive on an online public forum.

“I couldn’t believe my ears when Dad finally dropped the hammer,” Dunlap said. "I thought for sure that grounding me right then and there was the worst he would do, but he opted for a tweet."

Area Comrade Tired of Accidentally Searching “Google Maos” instead of Google Maps

Map

MONROVIA, CA- After erroneously searching “google maos” in the Chrome search bar for the fifth time this week, John Wilkinson, a 31 year-old Uber call center representative, threw his hands up in despair, scoffing “As if I would look to Mao for an example of a proletariat uprising.”

 “Armed revolution of the peasantry, what idiot thought that would work out?” Wilkinson elaborated, sipping out of an Intelligentsia coffee mug.

Sex Moves for Republicans in Bed with the National Rifle Association

A woman's legs on a clean white bed

Are you a Republican lawmaker who is in bed with the National Rifle Association? Feeling like your gun show could use a little...spark? 
 
Satire V has got you covered: Use these fiery sex moves, and your next session is guaranteed to go out with a bang.
 

Democracy in Decline: 7 Norms That Donald Trump Has Undermined

Liberal pundits keep talking about how President Donald Trump has undermined American democracy by defying the norms that keep the government running. So what are these norms? And why do we care? Who is the President Pro Tempore of the Senate, and what does he do?

Without further ado, these are the top 7 norms that Trump has undermined:

1.     Norm of Mutual Toleration

 Congress

Capitalist Win! Nation Teaches Little Children to Sell Body Parts for Money

United States of America – From the nation that has learned how to commodify everything from prisons to sex comes a powerful lesson for young children: Leave your body parts under your pillow and rely on the benevolence of an invisible hand to compensate you for natural resources you have painfully extracted!

Talk about a victory for the free market! Micro adults can expect a standardized rate of $1-2 per outside bone, with all prices subject to inflation. Extra sums go to the children of Charles and David Koch. 

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