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No Matter Who Wins the Election, I’ll Still Be Trapped in This Damn Jar

Media outlets have been calling this a "historic" election, one that will "change the course of US politics." Frankly, I disagree. Whether Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump ends up in the Oval Office, I’ll still be stuck in this goddamn jar, just like I’ve been for the past 30 years. 

LEAKED: Transcript of Hillary Clinton’s Tech Support Phone Call

JANUARY 15, 2015

Tech Support: To speak to a representative, please say, “representative.”

Hillary Clinton: Representative.

TS: This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes.

HRC: Honey, all calls are monitored, but it ain’t for quality—

TS: Hi this is Meredith speaking. How may I help you today?

HRC: Oh hi there Meredith! I’m having a bit of a problem with my private server and I was wondering if you could help a sister out.

Dude Who Once Ate Deep-Dish Pizza “Unbelievably Proud of My Cubbies”

PORTLAND, OR — Tyler Phillips, a 27-year-old dude who ate deep-dish pizza once, took to Facebook on Saturday to tell his friends how “deeply, truly, unbelievably proud I am of my Cubbies.” He added, “They are not just my Cubbies. They are our Cubbies. They are Chicago’s Cubbies. They are America’s Cubbies.”

Facebook Check-Ins Induce Stroke-Like Symptoms In Morton County Sheriff's Department

Mandan, ND -- After eager activists flooded Facebook with check-ins to the Standing Rock Indian Reservation on Monday, the Morton County Sheriff’s Department suffered intense bouts of dizziness and confusion, sources say.

“As I scrolled through my Facebook feed, I just couldn't comprehend how many people were checking into this place. I'm talking like thousands here. Even just thinking about it now is making my mouth foam up again,” said the Morton County Sheriff, Kyle Kirchmeier, facing the complete opposite direction to reporters.

Electoral College Ranked 5th by U.S. News and World Report

NEW YORK, NY – In the freshest release of the much-anticipated annual college rankings, U.S. News and World Report ranked the U.S. Electoral College as the fifth best undergraduate institution of higher learning in the nation.

Flo Rida Could Decide the Election

MIAMI, FL -- Recent polling indicates that Flo Rida will likely decide the outcome of the 2016 presidential election. Although Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have visited Flo Rida dozens of times in recent weeks, neither candidate has been able to establish a definitive lead. According to the latest CNN survey, 44 percent of Flo Rida is leaning towards Secretary Clinton, 43 percent is leaning towards Trump, and 13 percent wants “Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur (with the fur).”

CNN Poll Finds That All Other Polls Are Lying Pieces of Shit

ATLANTA, GA -- A new CNN poll released Sunday finds that 89 percent of all other polls are lying pieces of shit.

“78 percent of Washington Post polls are decaying swirls of giraffe feces,” CNN wrote in a statement. “82 percent of Gallup polls are bee-infested loaves of crap. 86 percent of Pew Research Center polls are regurgitated pools of dung. Altogether, the vast majority of polls that are not CNN polls are lying pieces of shit.”

BREAKING: Large Bank Does Illegal Thing to Get More Money

NEW YORK, NY -- Yesterday, in a shocking tell-all esposé, an employee of some large bank told authorities about an illegal thing they did to get more money. Apparently, this is a thing that they’ve been doing for years and years, never getting caught. Can you believe it?
 
“We are very sorry that this happened,” the bank said in an official statement. “We truly regret this activity, and look forward to two days from now once this is out of the news and we can get on with the next illegal thing we’ll be doing to make more money.”
 

Megyn Kelly Develops Altitude Sickness from Moral High Ground

8,000 FEET ABOVE GROUND LEVEL - Following an intense exchange Tuesday night with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich over allegations of sexual assault on the part of Donald Trump, Fox News host Megyn Kelly has reportedly developed altitude sickness from her newfound moral high ground. 

Questions We Would Like to Hear Asked at the Last Presidential Debate

LAS VEGAS, NV -- The final presidential debate between Republican nominee Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton is this evening at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Ahead of the debate, we at Satire V compiled a list of burning questions we would like to hear the candidates answer:

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