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Roger Goodell Suffocated During Hug With Patriots NFL Draft Selection

CHICAGO, IL — For NFL hopefuls the draft represents the culmination of years of dedication to the game of football, and many college standouts express their joy through emotional hugs with Commissioner Roger Goodell. However, after a crushing embrace with defensive tackle Vincent Valentine during the third round of the draft, the lifeless, asphyxiated body of the Commissioner fell limply to the stage before a crowd of stunned fans.

Empowered by "Lemonade," Irish Catholic Woman Internalizes Feelings About Husband's Impropriety

BOSTON, MA -- After listening to Beyonce's empowering new album Lemonade, local Irish Catholic woman Mary Shaughnessy was inspired to internalize all her feelings about her husband's impropriety.
 
"The song was quite rousing. But Jack admitted that he shouldn't have done it," said Shaughnessy, drinking black coffee as she stared out her kitchen window. "So it's fine."
 

Porcellian Club Decides To Keep Using Old $20 Bills

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In light of the recent announcement that Harriet Tubman would replace Andrew Jackson on the front of the $20 bill, the Porcellian Club's graduate board released a tersely-worded statement instructing its members to continue using the former currency.

“Andrew Jackson was the seventh President of the United States. Was Harriet Tubman ever President of the United States? No, she was not,” read the statement.

​Biden Cancels Upcoming Concert in North Carolina​

GREENSBORO, NC -- Following the example that rock-and-roll legend Bruce Springsteen set last week, Vice President Joe Biden also canceled his upcoming concert at the Greensboro Coliseum in Greensboro, North Carolina.
 
Citing the state's recent "bathroom law" mandating individuals to use the bathrooms for the gender on their birth certificate, Biden felt he could no longer put on the show in good conscience.
 

Vulture Perches On Clinton’s Shoulder

DENVER, CO — Mere weeks after a small bird alighted on Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders's lectern during a campaign speech in Oregon, nature visited the presidential race again. This time, a sizable vulture landed on the shoulder of front-runner Hillary Clinton in the middle of a fundraiser in Denver and deposited the lifeless carcass of a black rat at her feet. To the glee of a roaring crowd, Clinton graciously accepted the offering and consumed the rest of the carcass on stage.

Taylor Swift Copyrights Sound of Falling Off Treadmill™

LOS ANGELES, CA - After Apple Music’s new promotional video “Taylor Vs. Treadmill” was met with a large amount of comments, views, and shares, Ms. Swift decided she needed to reassert her control of the situation – a control which she did not have when sliding headfirst off the moving exercise machine.

Satire V38's MLB Preview

With the NFL season in the rearview mirror, the MLB season has finally begun! In anticipation of another great year of our national pastime, Satire V38 has targeted the strengths and weaknesses of some of the league's key teams:
 
Chicago Cubs
Strength: Depth at nearly every position.
Weakness: History of debilitating heartbreak.
 
New York Mets

Bill to Hillary: "I'll Take It From Here"

CHAPPAQUA, NY -– Former president Bill Clinton has told his wife, Hillary, that he will quietly take over her presidential bid, with Senator Bernie Sanders continuing to put up a strong fight for the Democratic nomination.

“Hillary’s done a great job so far,” he said. “However, when we win the nomination, the race for the presidency will really heat up, and we won’t be able to afford to slip-ups like Michigan in the general,” he added.

Kansas Basketball Superfan Reacts Rationally To Team’s Loss

 
LAWRENCE, KS -- In the aftermath of the shocking upset against second-ranked Villanova, reports have emerged suggesting that Kansas basketball über-fan Hector Elliott has reacted simply with calm and collected rationality. Despite the disappointment of the loss, Elliott has somehow yet to break a single piece of china, nor has he torn his modestly sized flat screen television from the wall and thrown it into his neighbor’s garden.
 

Things Leonardo DiCaprio Hasn't Won

With last night's win for his performance in The Revenant, Leonardo DiCaprio has finally taken home an Academy Award for Best Actor after four nominations. However, there are still plenty of things that Leo hasn't won, and we at Satire V have now compiled the definitive list:

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