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Christie: No Number of Skittles Can Kill Me

TRENTON, NJ -- New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R-Otund) held an emergency press conference late Tuesday night regarding Donald Trump Jr.'s comments equating refugees to Skittles. 

"You think some puny rainbow M&M knockoff candies could bring me down? Yeah, sure, buddy, and like I'm not the vice presidential nominee," Christie screamed from his podium.

Ted Cruz Threatens to Return to Canada if Trump Elected

HOUSTON, TX -- After his unsuccessful campaign for the GOP nomination, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has announced that he would return to his birthplace of Calgary in Alberta, Canada, if Donald Trump is elected President.
 
"Oh, gee I don't know, I just can't stand him y'know?" said Cruz at a press conference, a Canadian accent supplanting his usual southern-tinged twang. 
 

Report: Donald Trump Smells Bad

ITHACA, NY -- A new study by a group of scientists at Cornell University has proven that Donald Trump smells bad.
 
The study, conducted over the course of six months, was meant to dispel any persistent myths about the candidate's foul odor. However, the scientists were shocked by what they found.
 

Donald Trump Fires Champagne Manager

NEW YORK, NY--Earlier this week, Donald Trump fired his champagne manager, Jean-Baptiste Aubigné, in a strategic move after months of what many considered to be questionable champagne-related decisions. It is believed that this change may lead to a broader change of the champagne's tone and presentation moving forward.

LEAKED: Other Things the Yale Republicans Endorse

NEW HAVEN, CT -- After the Yale College Republicans endorsed GOP nominee Donald Trump for President today, Satire V obtained an exclusive list of other things the Yale Republicans endorse. Here is just a small sample from that list:

LEAKED: Other Things Harvard Republican Club Refuses to Endorse

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After refusing to endorse the Republican Presidential Candidate for the first time in 128 years, The Harvard Republican Club has withheld their support from many other things as well. Satire V has obtained an exclusive leaked list of other things the Harvard Republican Club has just recently refused to endorse:
  • Shoes without bootstraps
  • People who show up to black tie affairs in business suits
  • Off brand water crackers
  • Foreign cheeses
  • The field of gender studies
  • Gender
  • Chancellor Palpatine

“I’ve been silent": Harvard's Bakunin backers face life on a pro-Marx campus

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Walk around any college campus and Marxism’s popularity is immediately apparent. Depending on the climate, you’re likely to see Marx T-shirts or Marx sweaters or Marx hats or Marx scarves.

You’re less likely to encounter Mikhail Bakunin memorabilia. In a setting where students are meant to be agitating for a dictatorship of the proletariat, supporting the nineteenth-century Russian anarchist and factional leader of the International Workingmen’s Association just isn’t cool.

Cruz-Fiorina Campaign Hopes to Protect the World From Devastation, Unite All Peoples Within Our Nation

WASHINGTON, DC -- Late last month, GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz joined forces with ex-presidential candidate Carly Fiorina. After making this bold declaration, the senator confidently told voters at an Indianapolis rally that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton should  "prepare for trouble."

"And make it double," added Fiorina, hoisting herself back onto the stage after taking a nasty tumble.

LEAKED: Transcript of Clinton's Speech to Goldman Sachs

BROOKLYN, NY -- For months Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has demanded that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton release the transcripts of paid speeches she gave to Goldman Sachs. In an unprecedented turn of events, Satire V has acquired an exclusive look at the transcript of one of those speeches. Take a look at some of the shocking revelations:
 

Malia Obama to Doze Off in Expos 20, But Not Until 2017

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Malia Obama, the daughter of President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, has to decided to doze off a little in Expos 20: Darwinian Dating after taking one gap year. The decision to defer acceptance to Harvard College is undertaken by around 100 students per year, who decide for a variety of reasons to wait one year before eventually falling asleep in their respective 20-level expository writing classes.
 

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