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Electoral College Ranked 5th by U.S. News and World Report

NEW YORK, NY – In the freshest release of the much-anticipated annual college rankings, U.S. News and World Report ranked the U.S. Electoral College as the fifth best undergraduate institution of higher learning in the nation.

Flo Rida Could Decide the Election

MIAMI, FL -- Recent polling indicates that Flo Rida will likely decide the outcome of the 2016 presidential election. Although Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have visited Flo Rida dozens of times in recent weeks, neither candidate has been able to establish a definitive lead. According to the latest CNN survey, 44 percent of Flo Rida is leaning towards Secretary Clinton, 43 percent is leaning towards Trump, and 13 percent wants “Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur (with the fur).”

CNN Poll Finds That All Other Polls Are Lying Pieces of Shit

ATLANTA, GA -- A new CNN poll released Sunday finds that 89 percent of all other polls are lying pieces of shit.

“78 percent of Washington Post polls are decaying swirls of giraffe feces,” CNN wrote in a statement. “82 percent of Gallup polls are bee-infested loaves of crap. 86 percent of Pew Research Center polls are regurgitated pools of dung. Altogether, the vast majority of polls that are not CNN polls are lying pieces of shit.”

BREAKING: Large Bank Does Illegal Thing to Get More Money

NEW YORK, NY -- Yesterday, in a shocking tell-all esposé, an employee of some large bank told authorities about an illegal thing they did to get more money. Apparently, this is a thing that they’ve been doing for years and years, never getting caught. Can you believe it?
 
“We are very sorry that this happened,” the bank said in an official statement. “We truly regret this activity, and look forward to two days from now once this is out of the news and we can get on with the next illegal thing we’ll be doing to make more money.”
 

Megyn Kelly Develops Altitude Sickness from Moral High Ground

8,000 FEET ABOVE GROUND LEVEL - Following an intense exchange Tuesday night with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich over allegations of sexual assault on the part of Donald Trump, Fox News host Megyn Kelly has reportedly developed altitude sickness from her newfound moral high ground. 

Questions We Would Like to Hear Asked at the Last Presidential Debate

LAS VEGAS, NV -- The final presidential debate between Republican nominee Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton is this evening at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Ahead of the debate, we at Satire V compiled a list of burning questions we would like to hear the candidates answer:

List of Things in Better Shape than the GOP

After a recording of Donald Trump making misogynistic comments about women emerged this weekend, many in the Republican Party have denounced the party's nominee. Some believe the already-fragmented GOP has reached its breaking point. But just how bad is it? Satire V has compiled a list of things that are in better shape than the Grand Old Party:

Last Surviving Band of Principled Republicans Faces Off Against Horde of Trump Supporters

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Looking fearfully out of the windows of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the last surviving band of principled Republicans prepared for a standoff with a horde of Trump voters.

“We might not survive the night,” said one of the Republicans, who went only by the single name “Jeb,” as the cries of vague economic populism echoed in the distance. “They tore Kasich apart.”

“They’re almost here!” a lookout from the roof called down, “Pull out your concealed weapons!” 

Nation Indifferent as VP Candidates Merge into One Middle-Aged White Man

FARMVILLE, VA -- After briefly dividing into separate entities for Tuesday night's vice-presidential debate at Longwood University, Democratic candidate Tim Kaine and his Republican opponent, Mike Pence, have merged back into a single middle-aged white man.
 
"We understand that some people have had difficulty telling us apart," said Kaine or Pence, depending on whom you ask. "So this seems more expedient."
 

You Don't Remember How I Voted on Iraq

You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy. Focus on the spinning circle. Isn't it just lovely?

You are thinking of October 16, 2002. There might have been a vote to authorize military force in Iraq, but then again there might not have been. You can't seem to remember.

Remember, look at the circle. Good. That's good.

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