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List of Things in Better Shape than the GOP

After a recording of Donald Trump making misogynistic comments about women emerged this weekend, many in the Republican Party have denounced the party's nominee. Some believe the already-fragmented GOP has reached its breaking point. But just how bad is it? Satire V has compiled a list of things that are in better shape than the Grand Old Party:

Last Surviving Band of Principled Republicans Faces Off Against Horde of Trump Supporters

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Looking fearfully out of the windows of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the last surviving band of principled Republicans prepared for a standoff with a horde of Trump voters.

“We might not survive the night,” said one of the Republicans, who went only by the single name “Jeb,” as the cries of vague economic populism echoed in the distance. “They tore Kasich apart.”

“They’re almost here!” a lookout from the roof called down, “Pull out your concealed weapons!” 

Nation Indifferent as VP Candidates Merge into One Middle-Aged White Man

FARMVILLE, VA -- After briefly dividing into separate entities for Tuesday night's vice-presidential debate at Longwood University, Democratic candidate Tim Kaine and his Republican opponent, Mike Pence, have merged back into a single middle-aged white man.
 
"We understand that some people have had difficulty telling us apart," said Kaine or Pence, depending on whom you ask. "So this seems more expedient."
 

You Don't Remember How I Voted on Iraq

You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy. Focus on the spinning circle. Isn't it just lovely?

You are thinking of October 16, 2002. There might have been a vote to authorize military force in Iraq, but then again there might not have been. You can't seem to remember.

Remember, look at the circle. Good. That's good.

Brad Pitt Loses 'R' in Brangelina Divorce Settlement

LOS FELIZ, CA--As part of his ongoing divorce settlement, Brad Pitt, one half of the beloved Hollywood Natalie-Portmanteau "Brangelina," has reportedly lost the rights to the 'r' in his first name.

While the legal settlements are not yet concluded, Pitt seems to have already conceded defeat, saying, "I used to have some of the best name recognition in the industry. Who's going to work with Bad Pitt? Nobody, that's who!"

Christie: No Number of Skittles Can Kill Me

TRENTON, NJ -- New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R-Otund) held an emergency press conference late Tuesday night regarding Donald Trump Jr.'s comments equating refugees to Skittles. 

"You think some puny rainbow M&M knockoff candies could bring me down? Yeah, sure, buddy, and like I'm not the vice presidential nominee," Christie screamed from his podium.

Ted Cruz Threatens to Return to Canada if Trump Elected

HOUSTON, TX -- After his unsuccessful campaign for the GOP nomination, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has announced that he would return to his birthplace of Calgary in Alberta, Canada, if Donald Trump is elected President.
 
"Oh, gee I don't know, I just can't stand him y'know?" said Cruz at a press conference, a Canadian accent supplanting his usual southern-tinged twang. 
 

Report: Donald Trump Smells Bad

ITHACA, NY -- A new study by a group of scientists at Cornell University has proven that Donald Trump smells bad.
 
The study, conducted over the course of six months, was meant to dispel any persistent myths about the candidate's foul odor. However, the scientists were shocked by what they found.
 

Donald Trump Fires Champagne Manager

NEW YORK, NY--Earlier this week, Donald Trump fired his champagne manager, Jean-Baptiste Aubigné, in a strategic move after months of what many considered to be questionable champagne-related decisions. It is believed that this change may lead to a broader change of the champagne's tone and presentation moving forward.

LEAKED: Other Things the Yale Republicans Endorse

NEW HAVEN, CT -- After the Yale College Republicans endorsed GOP nominee Donald Trump for President today, Satire V obtained an exclusive list of other things the Yale Republicans endorse. Here is just a small sample from that list:

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