Name: _______ [ I ] [ II ] [ III ] [ IV ] [ V ] [ VI ] [ Jr. ] [ Esq. ] [ Esq., II ] 

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Wednesday, Rakesh Khurana, Danoff Dean of Giving Students a False Sense of Security, announced the Transcript Project.

“Too often your transcript can feel like a burden, carrying with it the expectations of a perfect GPA,” Khurana wrote reassuringly in an email to students. “But, like, you’re totally screwed in that SPU class, man. That C you’re in for is gonna stick with you for a longgggg time.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Paramedics rushed to Lamont Library last night after security guard Janice P. Hopper suffered her sixth unchecked bag-induced panic attack of 2018.

“My New Year’s resolution was to stop worrying so much,” Hopper said as she was carted out on a stretcher. “But with each unchecked bag that passed under my gaze, my fingers would twitch, my blood pressure would spike, and all I could think of was how many rare copies of The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz were hidden in the dark recesses of the least accessible pocket of that bag.”

This week, students across the College applied to and were rejected from Expos 40: Public Speaking Practicum. Satire V received an exclusive list of their applications, excerpted below.

...as a freshman, I believe...

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped in the my.harvard sign in page.