The first couple of months are rosy. Something about the subject initially caught your interest — a historically -grounded concept of truth, a large but well-proportioned ass. Suddenly, you feel this strange mixture of nervousness and excitement, intimidation and optimism. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard Professor Joe Blitzstein has shocked the world with what has been described as the “most elegant proof for the existence of God in human history.”

By John Smith (NOT Faculty Dean of Quincy House)

Hey there!  It’s me, your friendly and 100% non-fictional classmate, John Smith.  I love so many things about Harvard, but one of my favorites has got to be Community Night in the house dining halls.  Boy, oh boy, is that a special treat.  Here are just a few of the reasons I love Community Night so much.

Is your hair curly? Do you wish it were straighter? Have no fear—these four hair straighteners will make your hair so straight that it’ll decide to pursue men at the Fly.

Sure, you’re a junior. Sure, you really have no business being at the Fly. Sure, the members perpetuate socioeconomic elitism and talk over you in section. But with strands this straight, your tresses will be pining for the boys at the Fly on a Friday night as “Mr. Brightside” blares over the speakers and some drunk guy hits on a freshman from BU in the corner.

Cambridge, MA - Sources report that it was a tough week for Aaron M. Schwartz '21, who—after two midterms, one gluten allergy reaction, and zero Tinder matches—booked a music practice room as his venue for a quick emotional breakdown. While Schwartz normally favors a speedy shower scream or a silent tear at Lamont, after the week he’s had, those avenues simply weren’t going to cut it.

HARVARD YARD — This past Sunday, Massachusetts Hall residents were shocked to discover that the booming bass that had kept awake was in fact coming from the offices of Harvard’s President, Drew Gilpin Faust.

Interviewed on his way back from Lamont, one freshman spoke out.

“I thought that being in Mass Hall would suck because we wouldn’t be able to party with the president working right under us, but like… I had a pset to do," he said. "I didn’t ask for this.”  

SCIENCE CENTER B—Earlier this week, a prominent LS1A professor instituted a policy of calling only on students who have not yet answered a question in class, but because of extremely low participation, this policy excludes only Dave R. Edwin ‘21 from answering.

Dave’s professor explained that he formally introduced the policy only after Dave’s "enthusiasm" showed no signs of abating.

ST. LOUIS, MO — After a record 22 hours of gratitude, Brandon L. Peters ’20 has returned to being deeply ungrateful for everything his parents have done for him.

“God, all that thankfulness was exhausting,” said Peters, lying on the couch that his mother purchased, eating the leftovers that his father cooked, and reclining under the blanket that his mother knitted. “I’m just relieved that this is only a once-a-year thing.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Last Wednesday, freshman Michelle T. Smith '21 was swiping through potential suitors on Bumble when she came across Alex, a 5'11" junior at Harvard who “enjoys swimming, biking, and maybe one day you ;)”