CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard’s administration delivered the ultimate diversity win when they announced their decision to continue sanctions on single-gender social organizations. Now, all-male final clubs must open their doors to America’s most marginalized group: affluent women who went to Spence.

Wow. Talk about the next Brown v. Board of Education.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - We’ve all been there. It’s job hunting season, you’re stressed out, and you have to deal with the body of your dead roommate before the authorities figure out that they're dead. Lucky for you, we’ve got some tips on where to hide his body. All five of these places are better ideas than hiding your it in the Farnsworth Room of Lamont, which is populated by students at almost every hour of the day. Seriously, it will not take them long to find it. Trust us.

1) The Charles River

by the Harvard Advocate
 

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, which Frankfurt School critical theorist would you want as a dinner guest?

5. When did you last recite a John Ashbery poem to yourself? To someone else?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will be consumed by the oblivion?

8. Name three things that you and your partner appear to have in common besides thick Warby Parker glasses and the tendency to over use the word “discourse.”

LOWELL DINING HALL – Megan C. Lafferty ’20, glancing over her shoulder in the dining hall, is clearly about to talk some serious shit about Jenny.

When Lafferty gossips over meals, she normally just drops her voice to offer her unsolicited opinions about her classmates. But at lunch on Tuesday, Lafferty craned her neck over her shoulder and slowly scanned the entire dining hall for anyone who might possibly know her linkmate.

“Oh wow,” commented a passerby. “That bitch must be about to talk some serious shit about Jenny.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After three months of living within twenty feet of him, Ryan Brown ‘21 still does not know the name of that student who lives across the hall. “Well shit, I can’t just ask him at this point,” he said, realizing the semester is rapidly coming to an end.

Hey, boy who wants to date me, I have 21 words for you: If you can’t handle me at my “SPU final is tomorrow,” you don’t deserve me at my “SPU final was yesterday.”

By a freshman

This morning, on my walk from the Science Center to Sever, I walked past that warm spot next to Canaday. It was the purest moment of bliss I've experienced since I arrived at this freezing wasteland.

To be honest, things haven’t been going that well lately. I have papers and finals piling up, my unrequited crush is getting a bit creepy, I think I have a roach problem, and—if you haven't noticed—it’s fucking cold outside.

You have a final exam on Wednesday, a 12-page research paper due Thursday, and a meeting with your thesis advisor on Friday. You definitely think that shrieking ferociously loudly into the void would help you deal with all your stress, but your roommate is always sleeping. Lucky for you, Harvard has a wide variety of empty classrooms that you can scream in!

1. Sever 204

Dear John,