CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a shocking turn of events, area asshole Devon R. Johnson '19 set a new world record of seven minutes and forty-six seconds on Tuesday for time spent filling up his 64oz Wide Mouth Hydro Flask water bottle at the water bottle filler in the Barker Center.

Making sure to fully appreciate every single ounce of water, Johnson ensured that his bottle was filled to the very top of its stainless steel lid, waiting for the stream of water from the filler that was slower than Johnson’s leisurely walks through the Yard.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Adding to students' concerns about the humanity of College administrators, a survey conducted by The Harvard Independent has shown that Rakesh Khurana, Dean of Harvard College, was unable to pass the Turing test. 

1) Almost done with your homework, but feel like it lacks some mathematical oomph? Spice it up by starting every problem with “Consider the case generically where the result trivially holds and consider by noting that the note of triviality follows trivially.” Your professor will NEVER guess that you struggle with imposter syndrome every night!

HARVARD YARD – According to reports from sources close to University Operations, Lamont Library will no longer be offering complimentary checked bags upon departure.

Mirroring a nationwide trend, the once-prestigious library in the Yard's southeast corner has decided to do away with a service that has been taken for granted by many, much to the chagrin of frequent studiers.

WOMB – A local fetus has reportedly offered the excuse “I’m sorry, I can’t, it’s midterm season” for the 89th time during its second trimester.

On Monday, the fetus—Andrea Hughes if it’s a girl, Andrew Hughes if it’s a boy—blew off an invitation from its twin to kick their mother’s bladder until she peed. The fetus apologetically blamed midterm season as it turned away from the twin in the amniotic fluid.

Dear Members of the Harvard Community:

As I approach the end of my tenure as Harvard President, I must confess there is one problem I thought I’d never solve. For years, social norms against robberies from communal fridges have discouraged me from descending down to the basement of Conan O’Brian’s freshman dorm to get the one thing I truly desire: cheddar cheese.

When you die, you will wake up in room L166 in the Institute of Politics. You will not be happy. You will not be sad. You will just be in L166. You will not be seated at the table because your section ran late. Sections always run late in the afterlife.

L116 is, in fact, purgatory. You will be trapped there for several hundred centuries before God determines your eternal fate.

In a bold move in support of mental health, Mather senior Thomas Seeber awoke at 11:15 a.m. on Saturday only to go back to sleep 3.5 hours later. Given his lack of commitments for the day, Seeber decided that the best use of his time would be to elongate the period during which he was unconscious.

“I just got up, scrolled through Facebook for a while, went to the dhall for some brunch, and went back to bed,” Seeber said. “You’d be surprised how exhausted you can get after such a short period of time.”