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Administration Notifies Students About Boston Tea Party

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to numerous reports, students received an e-mail notification at 4:31 PM yesterday alerting them of the Boston Tea Party. “Between 7:07 and 10:25pm on a Thursday approximately 12,492 weeks ago, a domestic terror cell calling itself the ‘Sons of Liberty’ commandeered a civilian merchant vessel and destroyed its cargo,” the message, titled “Harvard Alert,” read in part. A follow-up “Message Me” text notification went on to say that no immediate threat related to the attack was identified on campus at any point in the last 240 years.


Everything, Ever Implicated in Boston Bomber’s Radicalization

“When he wasn’t playing videogames with lots of guns – Call of Duty, that sort of thing – you’d see Dzhokhar sitting around talking about Atlas Shrugged… that was always his favorite of Ayn Rand’s novels and I think it really stuck with him,” explained a former classmate of the Boston bombing suspect.

Area Man Watches Sister Act; Laughs, Cries

A truly magnificent film is hard to find. Such masterpieces come by only once in a blue moon. It seems that local janitor Stanislav Yavinsky struck gold when he stumbled upon the critically acclaimed movie, “Sister Act.” The show follows a former prostitute as she courageously accepts the identity of a nun hiding in the Witness Protection Program.

Meyer’s Discount Mohel Service Goes out of Business

CAMBRIDGE, MA—A staple institution in the Cambridge community, Meyer’s Discount Mohel Service, closed its doors last Tuesday after nearly 30 years in the circumcision business.

“It certainly is a sad day,” said Meyer Bernsteinowitz. “I’m going to miss snipping those little schtickels.”

Meyer’s business enjoyed great success after the onset of the recession caused many families to look for less expensive Bris services, but the customers soon stopped coming after Bersteinowitz was accused of bad business practices.

Yahoo! Employee Makes New Plans to Avoid Creepy Office Guy

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After CEO Marissa Mayer told Yahoo! employees that they are no longer allowed to work from home, many employees are uncomfortable with the increase in coworker interaction. Cassandra Stewart, who works in marketing, has had it especially difficult. Citing experiences she has had with one particular coworker, she has devised new ways to avoid the office creep, also known as “Dan.”

Governor Patrick Goes Mad with Power, Re-instates Vehicle Ban

Deval City, MA—Speaking from behind the wall of his snow fort in Boston Common, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick announced the re-establishment of the vehicle ban instated during the last winter storm. “As of this very second,” Patrick announced “any non-emergency services driver found on Massachusetts roads will be subject to fines of not less than $15,000 or 10 years imprisonment.

Apple Patches Drunk Siri Glitch

After months of user complaints, Apple has finally released software to fix iPhone Error 02PBR20—also known as the Drunk Siri Glitch.

Local Animals Affected by Hurricane Sandy

As Hurricane Sandy ravaged the Boston area on October 29th, Harvard students hunkered down in their dorm rooms, blithely forgetting about the fortunes of the various animals who inhabit Harvard Yard. However, as it turns out, these fauna were affected just as much—if not more—than their human counterparts.

Undecided Voter Can’t Decide Between Ham, Asphalt Sandwiches

Local undecided voter Chris Papadopoulos is currently struggling to decide what to eat at Al’s Subs, having narrowed down his choices to a ham sandwich and a sandwich filled with asphalt.   

“No, I’m totally aware of the differences between ham and asphalt,” said Papadopoulos as he stood next to the register.  “I just can’t decide if I want a tasty ham sandwich or a Kaiser roll filled with hot, sticky asphalt.”

Puberty Strikes Late

Late Saturday night, the Harvard University Police Department sent out a community advisory warning local inhabitants of an attack. At approximately 23:30, Cambridge Rindge and Latin School junior Myler G. Harris was walking home from a BIDA contra dance to his home on Shepard Street. He was sidetracked when he saw a young sapling, became overwhelmed by the beauty of nature, and diligently began rehearsing his rock-step with the aforementioned tree. It was in the midst of this childish wonderment that he was assailed.