CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to numerous reports, students received an e-mail notification at 4:31 PM yesterday alerting them of the Boston Tea Party. “Between 7:07 and 10:25pm on a Thursday approximately 12,492 weeks ago, a domestic terror cell calling itself the ‘Sons of Liberty’ commandeered a civilian merchant vessel and destroyed its cargo,” the message, titled “Harvard Alert,” read in part. A follow-up “Message Me” text notification went on to say that no immediate threat related to the attack was identified on campus at any point in the last 240 years.

A truly magnificent film is hard to find. Such masterpieces come by only once in a blue moon. It seems that local janitor Stanislav Yavinsky struck gold when he stumbled upon the critically acclaimed movie, “Sister Act.” The show follows a former prostitute as she courageously accepts the identity of a nun hiding in the Witness Protection Program.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After CEO Marissa Mayer told Yahoo! employees that they are no longer allowed to work from home, many employees are uncomfortable with the increase in coworker interaction. Cassandra Stewart, who works in marketing, has had it especially difficult. Citing experiences she has had with one particular coworker, she has devised new ways to avoid the office creep, also known as “Dan.”

Deval City, MA—Speaking from behind the wall of his snow fort in Boston Common, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick announced the re-establishment of the vehicle ban instated during the last winter storm. “As of this very second,” Patrick announced “any non-emergency services driver found on Massachusetts roads will be subject to fines of not less than $15,000 or 10 years imprisonment.

As Hurricane Sandy ravaged the Boston area on October 29^th, Harvard students hunkered down in their dorm rooms, blithely forgetting about the fortunes of the various animals who inhabit Harvard Yard. However, as it turns out, these fauna were affected just as much—if not more—than their human counterparts.

Late Saturday night, the Harvard University Police Department sent out a community advisory warning local inhabitants of an attack. At approximately 23:30, Cambridge Rindge and Latin School junior Myler G. Harris was walking home from a BIDA contra dance to his home on Shepard Street. He was sidetracked when he saw a young sapling, became overwhelmed by the beauty of nature, and diligently began rehearsing his rock-step with the aforementioned tree. It was in the midst of this childish wonderment that he was assailed.