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Treebola Outbreak Spreads Rapidly through the Northeast

Cambridge, MA- The dreaded disease treebola has reached the United States. Health officials have urged the public not to panic, while emphasizing the severity of the crisis. “Several acres have reportedly been infected, the air around them has gotten chillier, and we have already begun to quarantine all infected trees in the region,“ said Dr. Margaret Chan of the World Health Organization. “We have never seen anything of this magnitude.”

Area Doofus Mistakes Firetruck for Bus, Becomes Hero

Source: Getty Images

After mistakenly boarding a Cambridge firetruck Wednesday morning in place of his usual 8:58am 66 bus, 52-year-old Tommy Jackson saved a baby from a fire. 

Flamboyant Man's Grandmother Still Thinks "Gay" Means "Happy"

Local homosexual Gerald Carson was sighted aborting yet another attempt to come out to his 86-year-old grandmother in her Adult Living Apartment Complex last Sunday.
"I always hoped my grandson would be a gay, gay man!" gleefully remarked Eugenia Carson, marking Gerald's third failed attempt to use the word as an explanation that he felt most fulfilled when engaged in romantic and sexual relationships with other males. "At long last, my dream has been realized!"

Whore-o-scopes March 16 – March 23

The Freshman: If you decided to go and help starving children, or take an archaeology class in Greece over break to boost your résumé, a mysterious foreigner is about to meet the headboard of your hostel bunk.

Fig Tree Ready for Spring

As the month of March continues, at least one little tree is ready for spring.  

Standing at the corner of Plympton and Mt. Auburn, a small fig tree is bristling with snow, and "could not be happier that spring is almost here!"  

Calendars show that spring will begin on March 21st

This news comes at an important time for a variety of trees, many of which rely, like the fig tree, on sunlight and temperate climates to survive and grow.

Area Woman Feels Rushed by Automatic Toilet

Teenager Cures Cancer Using Time She Saved By Saying "Totes" Instead of "Totally"

Using all of the time saved from saying "totes" instead of “totally,” Molly Jackson, 16, has discovered the cure for cancer.

After years of saying the abbreviated word, the saved microseconds finally accumulated into enough free time for Jackson to figure out how to stop the previously uncontrollable cell growth. 

“It was nbd. Tbh idk why people are getting so cray about something I did irl,” said Jackson, who answered questions in between texting her gurls.

Quentin Tarantino Writing Screenplay at Local Starbucks

Baristas Karen and Phil have confirmed reports of the eccentric screenwriter returning to the Starbucks near his home, laptop in hand, to write his newest screenplay.

Workers describe Tarantino’s work habits as “intermittent” and “kind of clingy, if that makes sense,” while noting that he sometimes angles his screen as to be visible to those sitting nearby. He is known to the staff for his daily orders of a venti black coffee, which sits untouched as he works and sips from a caramel macchiato he ordered at the Starbucks down the street.

Old Man Pointedly Responds “Merry CHRISTMAS” When Wished “Happy Holidays”

Ted McCullough, 87, of West Roxbury, has reportedly once again taken up his yearly habit of scowling and muttering under his breath at any cashier, waitress, or government employee who wishes him a secular “Happy Holidays.” The octogenarian, who attended five am Mass this morning, allegedly misses a time when “Christmas was Christmas, dammit,” and claims he did not “play tiddly-winks with Jerry in the Bulge for this.”

Jewish Girl Excited to Feel Alienated This Christmas

Local Jewish girl Rachel Silverstein, 4, is especially excited to feel alienated this Christmas.
“I’m gonna go over to my friend Betsy’s house, and we’re going to bake cookies and listen to Christmas songs on the radio, and I’m going to be the only one who doesn’t know the lyrics!” said the preschool student and member of Congregation Beth El.  “It’s going to be so much fun!”