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Flawed iOS6 Maps Thwarted Recent Terrorist Attack

On the morning of Monday, October 22nd, two armed men in a vehicle drove by an adult entertainment store and reportedly launched a rocket-propelled grenade into the shop, killing two regulars and a store clerk, and also injuring Boston Mayor Menino.  As Bostonians wait to hear news of their mayor, who is expected to make a full physical recovery, new details have emerged about the attacks.

That Guy from High School Loses First Career MMA Fight, Announces Retirement

Boston, MA - Jimmy “Wolfman” Crawford, better known as “that guy who wore a Tapout shirt every fucking day of high school,” officially announced his retirement from mixed martial arts last Saturday. The announcement came following a loss in his first career fight against fan favorite Donny “Knife-hands” O’Connor.

“There comes a time in every fighter’s life when you have to admit that you’ve given it all you’ve got and it’s time to call it quits,” said Crawford in an official press release, “It’s been a good run and I’ll always look back fondly on my time in this great sport.”

Bi-Curious George Store to Open in Cambridge

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With the Curious George Store back up and running, its new owners are experimenting with new ideas.

It's Not Too Early To Be Pessimistic About The Red Sox

Amish Develop First Nuclear Weapon

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA -- In a move sending shockwaves throughout the nation, Amish Bishop Jebodiah Grant announced the first successful test of the Pennsylvania Dutch nuclear weapons program. A model of the device, two chunks of uranium in a wooden bucket, was on display during the press conference. “Never again will the highfalutin' New Englanders look down upon the Plain people as weak,” Grant announced to a barn packed with journalists. “Today we have proven that one does not need fancy, non-mule-based technology to be powerful in this world.”

Area Civil War Re-Enactor Denied Job in Harvard Psychology Lab

Cambridge resident Freddie Lou "Stonewall" Donovan, 47, walked out of William James Hall this morning still an unemployed man after his interview to become a confederate in a Harvard psychology lab turned south.

Donovan said he was surprised when he was told that he did not have the experience necessary for the job.  "Experience!" Donovan exclaimed, "I started out as an enlisted infantryman and worked my way up to playing Stonewall Jackson. I don't know who they'll find with more experience than that!"

Area Student has Awkward Run In With Ex-Facial Hair

According to his roommate Joey Lo, Currier junior Alex Frasier had yet another awkward encounter in the suite bathroom with his ex-facial hair Tuesday night. According to Frasier, he was "just going in to wash [his] hands after crushing a bag of Cheetos" when he saw his ex-facial hair (nicknamed by his friends the "Ginger Monster") hanging on the side of the bathroom sink.

Area Man Looks Twice at Penis-Enlargement Spam Before Deleting It

On Sunday evening after checking through his work email account for any urgent messages, accountant Chris Peeples noticed something a little different in his inbox. In bold font, the subject line said that it would give him "More where it matters" After a brief period of consideration, Peeples reflected that the "more" in the subject line could be referring to higher revenues for his company. This consideration was further supported by the dollar sign where the "s" should have been in "matters."

Third-Grade Math Wiz Can't Decide Between Finance and Consulting

Billy Donnelly, a third grader at the John F. Kennedy Elementary School, just can't make up his mind about whether he would rather work as an investment banker or a consultant.

Billy, who received all check pluses on his latest report card, said that much of his indecision stemmed from the fact that both professions are very attractive.

"Investment bankers make more money," Billy said, taking a long drink from a carton of chocolate milk. "But consultants get laid more often. It's a tough decision."

Knee-Jerk Liberal Tears ACL

Area liberal Martin Schwartz will undergo campaign-season-ending surgery on his knee after sustaining an injury during Countdown with Keith Olbermann last night.

The incident occurred approximately 53 minutes into the program when Olbermann was approaching the climax of his Special Comment on FOX News.  Schwartz leapt to his feet upon hearing Olbermann's insinuation that FOX hosts Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck caused the financial meltdown of 2007 and assassinated President Kennedy.