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Amish Develop First Nuclear Weapon

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA -- In a move sending shockwaves throughout the nation, Amish Bishop Jebodiah Grant announced the first successful test of the Pennsylvania Dutch nuclear weapons program. A model of the device, two chunks of uranium in a wooden bucket, was on display during the press conference. “Never again will the highfalutin' New Englanders look down upon the Plain people as weak,” Grant announced to a barn packed with journalists. “Today we have proven that one does not need fancy, non-mule-based technology to be powerful in this world.”

Area Civil War Re-Enactor Denied Job in Harvard Psychology Lab

Cambridge resident Freddie Lou "Stonewall" Donovan, 47, walked out of William James Hall this morning still an unemployed man after his interview to become a confederate in a Harvard psychology lab turned south.

Donovan said he was surprised when he was told that he did not have the experience necessary for the job.  "Experience!" Donovan exclaimed, "I started out as an enlisted infantryman and worked my way up to playing Stonewall Jackson. I don't know who they'll find with more experience than that!"

Area Student has Awkward Run In With Ex-Facial Hair

According to his roommate Joey Lo, Currier junior Alex Frasier had yet another awkward encounter in the suite bathroom with his ex-facial hair Tuesday night. According to Frasier, he was "just going in to wash [his] hands after crushing a bag of Cheetos" when he saw his ex-facial hair (nicknamed by his friends the "Ginger Monster") hanging on the side of the bathroom sink.

Area Man Looks Twice at Penis-Enlargement Spam Before Deleting It

On Sunday evening after checking through his work email account for any urgent messages, accountant Chris Peeples noticed something a little different in his inbox. In bold font, the subject line said that it would give him "More where it matters" After a brief period of consideration, Peeples reflected that the "more" in the subject line could be referring to higher revenues for his company. This consideration was further supported by the dollar sign where the "s" should have been in "matters."

Third-Grade Math Wiz Can't Decide Between Finance and Consulting

Billy Donnelly, a third grader at the John F. Kennedy Elementary School, just can't make up his mind about whether he would rather work as an investment banker or a consultant.

Billy, who received all check pluses on his latest report card, said that much of his indecision stemmed from the fact that both professions are very attractive.

"Investment bankers make more money," Billy said, taking a long drink from a carton of chocolate milk. "But consultants get laid more often. It's a tough decision."

Knee-Jerk Liberal Tears ACL

Area liberal Martin Schwartz will undergo campaign-season-ending surgery on his knee after sustaining an injury during Countdown with Keith Olbermann last night.

The incident occurred approximately 53 minutes into the program when Olbermann was approaching the climax of his Special Comment on FOX News.  Schwartz leapt to his feet upon hearing Olbermann's insinuation that FOX hosts Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck caused the financial meltdown of 2007 and assassinated President Kennedy.

Teacher Hopeful That Mitochondria Rap Will Make Biology Cool

Lloyd Pepper, 37, known affectionately to half his class as Mr. P and subversively to the other half as Mr. Wee, was optimistic Tuesday that his "O.P.P." parody would win the hearts and minds of his 6th graders.

"Cell organelles aren't boring, they're fun!" Pepper assured, pumping his fist awkwardly with one hand while pulling up his neon-green socks with the other. 'O.P.P.,' which of course in this instance stands for "organism power plant", is an ode to the mitochondria that I think the kids will really get a kick out of."

AP Lit Teacher Doesn't Correct Evelyn Waugh Sex Joke

In a desperate attempt to fill his quota, Knibb High class clown Johnny Skeaky made a Hail Mary joke about a topic that he wasn't terribly informed. "Yeah, I'll revisit her Brideshead," cracked Skeaky in the middle of his afternoon AP Lit class. "He nailed it," confided a classmate who requested to remain anonymous. "We knew another one was coming, and bam, there it was. I don't think the teacher got it, though."

Transvestite Wants Both Parts

Area woman Christina Houngh, sometimes referred to as area man Chris Houngh, will be trying out for both parts in the two-person play, Kindergarten.

Written by local fifth grader, Johnny Nelson, the play is about a kindergartener and his teacher who have a seemingly ordinary day -- but one that is not actually ordinary. Written as an extra-credit project, the play is to be performed at Mr. Nelson's school, Twelve Indians Middle School, and the proceeds are to be used to update the school's computer lab.

Area Asshole will get Song Stuck in Your Head

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- "Stop it," you exclaim, turning to the asshole next to you, humming Miley Cyrus's current hit. "You're going to get that dumb song stuck in my head." The asshole turns to look at you, obviously feigning ignorance, "Stop what? What song? I have no idea what you're talking about. You're crazy." You continue walking together, until he audibly mutters the words, "And the Jay-Z song was on" -- You stop and exclaim, "Oh my God. Why are you doing this to me?