and entering


Teacher Hopeful That Mitochondria Rap Will Make Biology Cool

Lloyd Pepper, 37, known affectionately to half his class as Mr. P and subversively to the other half as Mr. Wee, was optimistic Tuesday that his "O.P.P." parody would win the hearts and minds of his 6th graders.

"Cell organelles aren't boring, they're fun!" Pepper assured, pumping his fist awkwardly with one hand while pulling up his neon-green socks with the other. 'O.P.P.,' which of course in this instance stands for "organism power plant", is an ode to the mitochondria that I think the kids will really get a kick out of."

AP Lit Teacher Doesn't Correct Evelyn Waugh Sex Joke

In a desperate attempt to fill his quota, Knibb High class clown Johnny Skeaky made a Hail Mary joke about a topic that he wasn't terribly informed. "Yeah, I'll revisit her Brideshead," cracked Skeaky in the middle of his afternoon AP Lit class. "He nailed it," confided a classmate who requested to remain anonymous. "We knew another one was coming, and bam, there it was. I don't think the teacher got it, though."

Transvestite Wants Both Parts

Area woman Christina Houngh, sometimes referred to as area man Chris Houngh, will be trying out for both parts in the two-person play, Kindergarten.

Written by local fifth grader, Johnny Nelson, the play is about a kindergartener and his teacher who have a seemingly ordinary day -- but one that is not actually ordinary. Written as an extra-credit project, the play is to be performed at Mr. Nelson's school, Twelve Indians Middle School, and the proceeds are to be used to update the school's computer lab.

Area Asshole will get Song Stuck in Your Head

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- "Stop it," you exclaim, turning to the asshole next to you, humming Miley Cyrus's current hit. "You're going to get that dumb song stuck in my head." The asshole turns to look at you, obviously feigning ignorance, "Stop what? What song? I have no idea what you're talking about. You're crazy." You continue walking together, until he audibly mutters the words, "And the Jay-Z song was on" -- You stop and exclaim, "Oh my God. Why are you doing this to me?

Area Man Says The Word "Movie" Funny

Cambridge, MA -- An enterprising group of young adults discovered that one among them says the word "movie" in a totally hilarious way. "Mooo-vie," said the peculiar friend. "I don't get it. What's wrong with that? Moo-vie. Do I sound like a cow or something?" The affected man's questions fell upon deaf ears, however. One of his associates finally responded between

Local Man Isn't Sure How to Get into The Olympics, But Will Give it a Shot Anyway

John Reiss, 32, doesn't really understand how someone qualifies to be an Olympian, but has nevertheless begun preparations for the 2012 games.

"Every morning I wake up at 5 and meditate for hours. Some people call it napping. Whatever. I say 'to-mato,' you say, 'tom-ato,' probably because you have some impediment that makes it impossible to pronounce things correctly."

Notorious Wife Beater to Starbucks: "You Call This Shit Coffee?"

A local Starbucks employee was accosted early Thursday morning when a disgruntled man entered the establishment, demanding a cup of coffee prepared "the way [he] liked it" but refusing to elaborate any further. When the barista failed to deliver, the customer became enraged, yelling that the employee was "useless, just like [his] mother."

Twinkie Defense Pretty Much Explains Area Man's Entire Life

CICERO, INDIANA - After many years of fumbling to find an excuse for his ineffectual life, John Stottard has struck gold. "I've been eating junk food my entire life. That explains why I sleep 14 hours a night and can't find a job. I'm not sure if it explains my continuous sweating, but you know what? I bet it does." His mother and primary caretaker described him as both "inconsiderate" and "stupid." Stottard quietly reflected on the couch where upon he spends his waking hours, "I've never even had a girlfriend. I farted on a girl once during a date. I wasn't

Kid Hopeful That Forged Note Will Get Him Out of Field Day

Fifth grader Mikey Lawless is hopeful that he has finally penned the note that will allow him to skip his school's Field Day.

"It's good. I wrote a few others that didn't work, but I'm confident this time."

Area Mom Wants You to Try Her Banana Bread

Before you settle in to play Call of Duty: This is Your Call to Duty with your best friend Jack, his mom would really like it if you'd try her banana bread.