On Tuesday, Harvard ecologist Daniel Beterman completed a five-year study mapping the migration patterns of the string fencing in the yard. The study yielded some incredible findings.

“Using aerial camera technology, we found that the yard links form the shape of a large middle finger that, as the seasons progress, points at different freshman dorms,” said Beterman.

 “Freshmen are often frustrated because the shifts in the link patterns disrupt their walking routes. So, we don’t think this offensive pattern is a random occurrence.”

As Hurricane Sandy ravaged the Boston area on October 29^th, Harvard students hunkered down in their dorm rooms, blithely forgetting about the fortunes of the various animals who inhabit Harvard Yard. However, as it turns out, these fauna were affected just as much—if not more—than their human counterparts.

Brian Pollack, a freshman living in Stoughton, announced today that he was lifting his self-imposed ban on masturbating in the room he shares with fellow freshman Eric Johnson. Sources have confirmed that Pollack's newfound self-assurance stems from his improved grasp on Johnson’s habits and class schedule.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Canaday resident Andrew Wong, Class of 2016, appallingly cannot seem to understand why Canaday is so bad. Despite living in freshman dormitory Canaday Hall, widely accepted as the ugliest, least comfortable, and overall most terrible dorm, Wong is confused by its “bad rap.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Eliot resident Steven G. Streidbach ’14 announced to his roommate yesterday that he was “fucking done with all of these cute, clever posters and flyers around campus, dude.”

These student-created posters, which inform the Harvard community about various events and organizations on campus, often employ humorous graphics and witticisms that Streidbach says make him “fucking sick.” Streidbach cited WHRB’s “Vinyl Club” posters and Hasty Pudding Tech’s flyers as especially egregious offenders.