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Harvard

Coop Stops Rebates, Humanities Concentrators Lose “Feeling of Getting Paid”

After 131 years of issuing rebates in the form of checks to student customers, the Coop recently started doing instant discounts on all purchases. Since its decision, the store, with its little known and little advertised Harvard affiliation, has received mixed reviews about the change.
 

Sam Clark Retires From Public Life

Cambridge, MA - Undergraduate Council President-elect Sam Clark has officially announced his retirement from public life following his shocking victory in the recent UC elections. 

After a week in which the Harvard junior found himself launched into viral video fame and was elected to the highest office in the land, Clark has announced that he has decided to step back from public life, forsaking the spotlight in favor of a quiet life on his family's ancestral puppy farm.  

Drew Faust Admits to Smoking Crack

Cambridge, MA-  After months of denying rumors that a video showed her smoking a crack pipe, Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust has finally admitted that the rumors are true.

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine.  But…do I?  Am I an addict?  No,” said the crack addict.

Sober Student Unable to Locate Kong

Cambridge, MA-- The dinner plans of Chris DeMarco ‘16 and his roommates hit a snag early Thursday evening when the Quincy sophomore realized he could not recall the location of Harvard Square’s Hong Kong Restaurant while not in a state of complete intoxication.

Conflicted Homophobic Student Wants Rainbow Cake

CAMBRIDGE, MA – While passing by an on-campus celebration in honor of BGLTQ history month, deeply homophobic sophomore Danny Larson underwent a moral conflict upon seeing the “delicious-looking” rainbow cake being served at the party. 

“It was a tough moment for me,” Larson said. “I definitely don’t support gay rights or agree with the homosexual lifestyle, but that rainbow cake looked fabulous.” 

Harvard Football Beats, Um, Brown? Did We Play Brown?

Last Saturday Harvard’s football team claimed another win over a team that was probably Brown, possibly Columbia, most likely not Notre Dame.

 The wide receiver caught the ball some number of times, and the linebacker ran with the ball for a good number of minutes. It is also reported that the quarterback threw the ball, giving Harvard a huge advantage over the opposing team.

 Football is a sport.

NSA Searches College Email Accounts, Resident Deans Unimpressed

Cambridge, MA- The Washington Post revealed yet another instance of email-tapping by the NSA on Monday--this time, of Harvard Resident Deans and other administrators. Upon finding out the news, however, Harvard officials remained starkly unimpressed.
 
"It's like 'whatever' at this point," said Leverett Resident Dean Lauren Brandt, via an NSA-read exclusive email conversation with Satire V. 
 

I Hate Shopping Period vs. I Hate Period Shopping

I Hate Shopping Period

-The first time, you have no idea what you’re doing.

-Lots of iPads.

-Close attention to course evaluations.

-Awkward eye contact with that kid from freshmen year.

-The word gentle is used to describe curves.

-Mom calls repeatedly to see how it’s going.

-Lots of blood.

 

I Hate Period Shopping

-The first time, you have no idea what you’re doing.

-Lots of pads.

-Close attention to course of ovulations. 

-Awkward eye contact with the cashier.

Women's Center Unveils Privilege Check

Cambridge, MA—As part of a slew of new renovations designed to promote inclusiveness, the Women’s Center today unveiled their new “privilege check”. The facility, located behind a Rawlsian Veil of Ignorance and adjacent to the pre-existing coat closet, allows visitors to the Women’s Center to check their privilege before entering the facility beneath the Canaday dorms.

Freshmen Bring Back Memories For Grizzled Old Man

Franklin Scheub, a grizzled old man well-known throughout the environs of Harvard Square, reminisced as the Class of 2017 moved into their dorms and oriented themselves with college life.

“Oh, the memories I have,” said the senior, his beady black eyes peering out from his wrinkled visage and bushy white eyebrows as he raised a mug of black Au Bon Pain coffee with his trembling hands.  “So many things.  And this year, I remember all of it.”

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