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BREAKING: Lowell Bell Ringers Learn New Song

Cambridge, MA--After twenty fucking years of playing the same goddamn shit, Harvard's illustrious Lowell Bell Ringers have learned a new song.

"Though we really love butchering 'Lord of the Dance' to the point of unrecognizablity,we decided there are other obscure biblical hymns out there to disturb the peace of the day with," explained sophomore and inconsiderate asshole James Russell.

Putting The Crimson’s Editorial Board On Notice

When I was a student at the Salisbury School, a private suburban school in South-Central-South-West-Northerly Ohio, I took a lot for granted. My school newspaper, in particular, is something I should have appreciated more.

Community Garden Bales on Farmal

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Due to amaizeingly high interest and lack of space, the Harvard Community Garden has decided to bale on Farmal. “It was a chard decision,” said event organizer Brock Lee '17. 

Kirkland-Eliot Fire Does Not Interrupt Evening Existential Crisis

Cambridge, MA — Though students briefly evacuated Kirkland and Eliot Houses on Monday evening after a small electrical fire broke out, the situation reportedly did not impede students’ regular evening existential crises.
 

#NotSemiticPhilology151 Reports Overwhelming Success

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In what its organizers have declared “a breakthrough moment,” the grassroots movement #NotSemiticPhilology151 is taking credit for the minuscule number of students registering for this fall’s session of Introduction to Northwest Semitic Epigraphy.

Hasty Pudding Grad Board Considers Meeting with Fathers of Harvard Women to Arrange Casting

Cambridge, MA – Last Sunday, 14 female students signed up to audition for the Hasty Pudding Theatricals, an annual burlesque drag musical, in protest of the all-male cast. 

“We hear the protests and realize that times are changing. The Hasty Pudding is proud to respond to these calls by meeting with the fathers of the auditioning women,” said Andrew Marble, a leader of the grad board. 

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped in Pile of Cardboard Boxes

Cambridge, MA—According to a recent email sent out to students, faculty, and staff, Harvard University executive vice president Katie Lapp has been trapped in an interminable maze of used cardboard boxes.

Michael Sandel Offers Course to Future Consultants' Former Souls

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Michael Sandel, the Anne T. and Robert M. Bass Professor of Government, announced Thursday that he will offer a course to the former souls of future consultants.
 
Sandel, who formerly taught "Justice" and now teaches "Money, Markets, and Morals", will begin offering a course titled "Ethical Reasoning 66: Effective Altruism's Effects" this fall to help sold-out souls cope.
 

Dean Khurana: Summer Reflection

Dear Harvard College students,

I hope that each of you is having a wonderful summer break, whether you are interning, conducting research, studying abroad, or simply spending well-deserved time at home, away from the stresses of academic tasks. You all merit some time to relax and recharge, as iPhones or electric razors do. 

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Mulch

Cambridge, MA--According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a pile of mulch somewhere in the greater Boston area.

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