and entering


Harvard to Preemptively Rename Northwest Labs

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Emerging from a basement meeting late Tuesday night, Northwest Labs building manager Charles E. Brady confirmed that Harvard University’s Board of Overseers voted to preemptively rename the large new building on Oxford Street currently referred to as “Northwest Laboratories.”

List of Harvard's New Gen Ed Courses

CAMBRIDGE, MA--On Tuesday, members of the committee reviewing Harvard's General Education program released a report proposing a dramatic overhaul, and a portion of the report enumerated a number of new course offerings. Satire V found a list of the new courses while completing the morning rounds of rummaging through recycling bins outside of administrators' offices. We have reproduced it below.
  1. Empirical and Mathematical Reasoning 60: How to Tell Time on an Analog Clock

Michael Sandel’s Thanksgiving Meal Ends in Open-Ended Questions, Ethical Dilemmas

On Thursday, the Sandel family’s Thanksgiving meal ended in heated arguments and hard feelings after Michael Sandel, the Anne T. and Robert M. Bass Professor of Government at Harvard University, brought up a number of philosophical quandaries at the dinner table.

The celebration began to go off the rails when the family went around the table to say what they were thankful for this year. When his turn arrived, the political philosopher mused, “Maybe there are some things we shouldn’t be thankful for.”

Harvard Student Returns Home for Thanksgiving to “Catch Up, Grab a Meal” with Family

Sources confirmed earlier today that Eric West ’18, a Chemical and Physical Biology concentrator, has returned home for Thanksgiving to “catch up and grab a meal” with his family.

“I’ve been just been so busy, you know,” said West, who has called the people who gave birth to him a total of three times since the semester started, one of which was to ask what the family Netflix password was. “But it’s great seeing you guys. We should totally do this again sometime!”

Fox Club Closed After "Cootie Outbreak"

44 JFK ST., CAMBRIDGE, MA – The graduate board of the Fox Club was forced to take drastic action towards their undergraduate members in recent weeks, resulting in the closure of the clubhouse due to what has been reported as a “cootie outbreak" following the admission of women into the club. This closure comes as a shock after female members were invited to join the club in what has been heralded as an “historic move.”

TF Actually Doesn’t Know The Difference Between MLA and Chicago, Was Just Bluffing

Quietly snickering after collecting her students’ essays for Aesthetic and Interpretive Understanding 64: The Canterbury Tales, local teaching fellow Judith Klenderman told reporters Monday that she actually doesn’t know the difference between MLA and Chicago citation styles, and “couldn’t care less” which of the styles her students had chosen to use.

Freshman Totally Misunderstands HUPD Escort Service

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Things went awry in Greenough 208 last Friday, when a freshman, prompted by the newly instituted HUPD Escort Service, mistakenly extended the duties of a HUPD officer to include those of a gigolo. 

Tired from the Friday night Freshman Wander, Michael Rajcock ’19 decided to resort to an alternative source of entertainment. Thoroughly prepared after a series of purchases from CVS, he made the phone call. Unsuspecting HUPD officer Bill Joe, answered, but was nowhere near as ready. 

Malan and Mankiw Continue to Argue over Whose is Bigger

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Students aren’t the only ones with performance anxiety this time of year. The ongoing argument between Professors David Malan and N. Gregory Mankiw over whose is bigger is heating up during the weeklong period between their two midterms. Attempts to compare and determine whose is larger, better endowed, and overall more sought after have taken an aggressive turn.

Dean Khurana Auditions to be an Eleganza Model

Cambridge, MA – To the shock of many students and administrators,  Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana announced yesterday that he had auditioned to be an Eleganza model.

“I’ve actually been considering the career move to modeling for quite some time now,” Khurana admitted, citing his flourishing Instagram account for giving him the “confidence and self-assurance” to fulfill his life-long goal of taking to the runway.

Area Husband Organizes Sex Week Programming

AUBURN, NY—In an effort to promote a more vibrant intimate relationship with his wife, area husband David Im, 49, has organized Sex Week, seven days packed with events for the enlightenment and edification of the couple. 

According to the official website Im created for Sex Week, programming began Sunday with “Aphrodisiacs 101”, featuring a panel of culinary experts from around the world.