and entering


QUIZ: Is this “What I Believe” from Larry Bacow, or “I Believe” from the Hit 2011 Musical The Book of Mormon?

Larry Bacow
1. As Luke teaches us, from those to whom much is given, much is expected.
2. If you believe, the Lord will reveal it, and you'll know it's all true – you'll just feel it.
ANSWER: The Book of Mormon
3. I've always longed to help the needy, to do the things I never dared.
ANSWER: The Book of Mormon
4. I believe that one measure of the justness of a society is how it treats its most vulnerable members.

BREAKING: 100% of Non-Existent Internships Cancelled

An image of Harvard University

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a letter to all undergraduate students, the OCS sadly announced that all “imaginary or fabricated internships” have been put on hold for summer 2020 due to COVID-19, without elaborating on remote possibilities. This news comes after the Office of International Education, along with many prestigious tech and finance firms, have cancelled their 2020 internships.

Sophomore Jean Klein said she was deeply surprised by the news and wondered whether she could still tell people she’d “probably be working on a campaign this summer.”

Area Professor Addresses Elephant in the Zoom

Indeed, an elephant in the zoom

CAMBRIDGE, MA  — A Math 21 professor was finally forced to address the elephant in the Zoom last Thursday, when the initially adorable interruption almost cost a sophomore his life.

Pre-Orientation Programs Go Virtual, Rename to “Zip, Zap, Zop”

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Following the trend of adding a “Z” to every activity transferred to Zoom, the DSO recently decided to pool their 3 traditional Pre-Orientation programs - FIP, FAP, and FOP - into a one-week virtual game of “Zip, Zap, Zop.”

The drama game is traditionally played in a circle where all participants clap and sequentially point and say "zip, zap, and zop." Adapted to the Pre-Orientation format, each participant will wear a sign indicating which group they belong to and point accordingly.

I Didn’t Want You Either

Harvard Adopts Universal Quad/Unquad Housing Assignments For First-Years Due to Coronavirus

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On this year’s annual Housing Day, Harvard College will be giving first year students a housing assignment of either “Emergency Quad” or “Emergency Unquad,” or QEM/UEM, according to emails sent by Dean of Undergraduate Education Amanda J. Claybaugh and Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences Claudine Gay. 

13 Surefire Ways to Re-Establish Yourself as Section Kid via Zoom

This pandemic sucks! Sure, a bunch of people are dying from a novel, highly infectious virus, but even worse: school’s been moved online! How are you supposed to assert your dominance over your peers during section now?! Not to fear –- simply follow these 13 Surefire Ways to Re-Establish Yourself as Section Kid via Zoom!

  1. Keep your video on, even though it's a 200 person lecture and everyone else's is off. Angle your camera strategically so that it shows off all your high school decathlon medals.

I Told You A Recession Was Coming... In The Next 10 Years

angry student

I literally called it.

If you had just listened to me, maybe you wouldn’t be so panicked right now. I mean, just a few weeks ago, I was telling you over lunch that we should expect a recession in the next decade, or so.

Five Students Who Absolutely *Need* Grades This Semester

Harvard College announced a shift to Emergency SAT/UNSAT grading amidst tumultuous debate and arguments both for and against the policy. With valid arguments on both sides of the issue, Harvard *said* they took students’ concerns into account. But they clearly excluded the narratives of these five very real students, who absolutely need grades.

Forgive Me, Please