SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Harvard

QUIZ: Is This a Line from One of This Semester’s UC Emails or a Quote from Star Wars’ Chancellor Palpatine?

Chancellor Palpatine wearing a UC pin

1. “You deserve a refund. Student organizations deserve increased, timely funding. We all deserve a new, effective student association that works for us.”

A) UC Email

B) Chancellor Palpatine

 

Answer: The entitled repetition of “deserve” should be a dead giveaway that this was written by a Harvard student!

 

 

2. “In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society.”

A) UC Email

Area TF Asks What Kind of Platitudes Work Best for Student with Covid

Screenshot of a slack dm reading "and that's why I just thought it would be really important ti let you know before I told anyone else and I just want to thank you in advance and also just for an amazing semester so far!" that has been germ emoji reacted. the response reads "That sucks :("

CAMBRIDGE, MA– After Richard Wozniak ’24 tested positive for Covid-19, he rushed to email the only person who could make him feel better: his CS50 Teaching Fellow, Jenna Matthews ‘22. “I was so worried, with having a potentially deadly disease, that I would be unable to handle all of my regular academic course load, whilst trying to recover,” Wozniak explained, not ready for the absolutely amazing response to follow:

Area Harvard Student Constantly Mentally Editing the “Early Life” Section of His Future Wikipedia Page

A screenshot of Rakesh Khurana's wikipedia page showing the Early Life and Education Heading with edit button

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Area Harvard student Adam Shapiro ’24, a “social junior, academic sophomore,” Gov concentrator, and deeply uncommitted member of Leverett House, is reported to always be mentally editing the “Early Life” section of what he anticipates will be his future Wikipedia page. What Adam will actually be famous for, however, remains to be seen. 

Grab-n-Go Dining: A Message From Huds

Grab-n-Go Dining

AHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK OK GUYS FUCK OK.

OK.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK.

THIS IS BAD. DO NOT STAY CALM. DO NOT STAY CALM.

WE WERE SO CLOSE. WE GOT SO FAR. WE THOUGHT WE COULD MAKE IT. FUCK. FUCK!!!!!!

17 Things to Bring to Study in Smith

Smith Campus Center 10th Floor

Are you about to pack for your day-long trip to Smith during the reading period grind? Have you been unable to fully focus regardless of floor level? If so, here is a list of tried and true crowdsourced items from FlyBy members to keep your body healthy and mind sharp at Smith!

Café Pamplona Buys the Porcellian Building for its New Clubhouse

Top 10 Tricks for Flirting Through Your Canvas Discussion Board Comments

  1. Spice things up by taking a contradictory stance. Guys and gals love nothing more than a good devil's advocate that bounces off their points.

  2. Don't be afraid to break out the thesaurus! Employ brobdingnagian lexemes so your crush is impressed with your vocabulary. 

  3. Consider leaving your comments early in the morning. If they have the canvas app, your notification will be the first thing they see when they wake up.

Breaking Study Shows Flag Above John Harvard Confirmed “Proportional”

- Cambridge, MA

 

For weeks now, handfuls of students have wondered: Why is the flag above the John Harvard  public urinal so big? Well, a new study has revealed that our alma mater’s father may have been “well endowed” in more ways than one.

Why I’m Comping SatireV

CONAN NOT ZARDOZ

There are so many whispers swirling around and all of this secrecy has been too much for me, I think it’s time to finally come clean. The rumors are true: I have re-enrolled as an undergraduate because SatireV is doing a completion-based comp this semester.

QUIZ: Which Testing Cadence Are You?

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