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Things Dean Khurana Is Doing Now Harvard Is De-Densified

Dean Khurana admiring his land

1) Mashing up everything on the LamCaf menu and taking a bite. Just one, to see what it tastes like.
2) Finally touching the statues at the back of Annenberg.
3) Skiing down Widener steps.
4) Wondering out loud if "De-Densify" is going to be the new "Transformative".
5) Deciding, reluctantly, it isn't.
6) Flossing. Also flossing. Oral hygeine is very important to Dean Khurana.
7) Staring at the wall in Lamont for 72 hours straight.
8) Egging the Final Clubs. (TP'ing them is out for obvious reasons.)

QUIZ: Are These Lines from Harvard’s Eviction Email or Semisonic’s “Closing Time”?

1. “One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.”

2. “The University has a responsibility to take proactive measures in order to protect the health and well-being of every member of our community”

3. “You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.”

4. “Harvard College students will be required to move out of their Houses and First-Year dorms as soon as possible and no later than Sunday, March 15 at 5:00pm”

5. “We realize that leaving campus at short notice will be challenging for some of you.”

HUIT Introduces Harvard Insecure, A New Network Which Works Only When You Validate Its Feelings

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a statement released by the Harvard University Information Technology Department, representative Anne Margulies announced a new solution to student complaints about Harvard Secure—Harvard Insecure. This new network allegedly will solve all the problems of Harvard Secure, the only catch being that it needs you to constantly reassure it that it’s doing a good job.

Blocking Drama: First-Year Actors Confused by Definition of 'Blocking'

CAMBRIDGE, MA As soon as Carolyn Kaplan ’22, director of Sound of Music in the Ex, instructed the seven members of the Von Trapp ensemble to "get blocking down immediately" during rehearsal, the group of freshmen collectively panicked.

“What?” Tommy Weiss ’23, Von Trapp member #2, exclaimed. “I thought we had until March 2nd to figure it all out.”

“Nooooo!” Kaplan responded. “I said blocking had to be perfected by today. Ok split up into your groups and then link hands at the chorus.”

This Harvard Freshman Wore His Day of Service T-Shirt in Touching Tribute to Harvard PR Department

harvard yard

by the Editors of the Harvard Gazette

The humble T-shirt: some might consider it a purely utilitarian piece of garb, but this young visionary used a simple Gildan garment to make a bold humanitarian statement. That’s why The Gazette is recognizing First-year student Calvin Kaminski, who wore his “Harvard Day of Service 2023” T-Shirt this Monday in a stunning show of support of Harvard University’s dedication to improving their public image.  

Bacow Changes Topic of Open Q&A to His Passing Resemblance to Adam Sandler

CAMBRIDGE, MA—This Saturday marked the first annual meeting of the long-anticipated President-Student Open Dialogue session, meant for students to bring up any issues regarding the Harvard administration. President Lawrence Bacow made it clear that all questions were on the table in this Q&A event, especially noting his openness about his apparent resemblance to actor and comedian Adam Sandler. 

INTERVIEW: Leverett Dining Hall Crumb Accepts Fate Upon Nighttime Dining Hall Restrictions

A crumb

LEVERETT HOUSE - With mostly uncontroversial new late night restrictions put in place for the Leverett Dining Hall, intending to allow dining hall staff time to keep the space clean against the heavy frequency of office hours and study groups, not all members of the community are happy about the restriction. We put our ears to the ground for a "pulse" from a longtime resident: 

I Love Art

sackler in the fogg

December 14, 1980 

I am writing to inform you that I am interested in donating some money in order to expand the Fogg and create a new home for the Asian and Ancient collections. I, Arthur Sackler, consider myself a patron of the arts and know a lot about artwork. Let me tell you some things about my personal collection, my aesthetic preferences, and how much I love art. 

Keep Waiting, You Beautiful Fools

Dig Inn
by Dig
 
Last summer, it was reported (and — dare I say — to much excitement) that I would open in the fall. It is now mid-February, and I am still sitting pretty — alluringly empty, hauntingly beautiful. I know it's been a while, but please, darling. Let me have my fun. 
 

Hard to Watch: This Sophomore Thinks Carnitas is Harvard-Themed Meat

CAMBRIDGE, MA— This Thursday, the Crimson received reports that Harvard sophomore Henry Williamson ’22 is convinced that carnitas is a special Harvard version of meat.

According to onlookers, Williamson offered repeated guesses as to what exactly made the ‘carnitas’ Harvard-themed. “He first asked me if it was crimson colored. When I didn’t respond, he asked if it was ‘the meat of three lies’. I tried to go hide behind the grill but when he saw my hat poking out he screamed asking if the meat wasn’t actually found in 1636” said El Jefe’s owner John Schall.

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