MENLO PARK, CA – Facebook is turning to alternative recruitment techniques to keep its ranks filled with talent amidst techlash and ethical controversies.

The company’s global head of recruitment, Miranda Kalinowski, details their new campaign in a Facebook post, which appears to be just a screenshot of a Tweet: “Here at Facebook, we realize that grades don’t matter, which is why we are primed and ready to hire any and all students that fail Tech Ethics.”

The New England Aquarium’s Marine Animal Rescue Program received a distress call Tuesday when a school of water polo players were spotted suffering from straws stuck in their noses and other entangling plastic. The rescue operation, initiated by a family enjoying a day trip to Blodgett Estuary, was a success, but a grim reminder of how wanton plastic consumption can destroy the lives of our precious, precious marine life.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Earlier this month, the Harvard Graduate Student Union-United Auto Workers planned a strike to take place on December 3rd, 2019. However, local graduate student David Johnson was utterly shocked when he showed up to the strike nude, having misread “strike” as “streak” in all of the emails he had received.

by Larry Bacow

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Our campus has long been host to lively debates around the most pressing social issues of our time. Indeed, we are proud that our students engage freely in the exchange of ideas. On Saturday, hundreds of protesters rushed the field of the annual Harvard-Yale game to demand that we divest our endowments from the fossil fuel industry. 

Though I recognize their bravery, I cannot help but ask: Wouldn’t underwater football be like, so bitching?

As the Harvard Graduate Students Union escalates towards calling a strike of its workers, our legal team has gotten dozens of questions regarding the ramifications a possible strike would have on the sexual relations between undergraduate students and the student workers who lead their classes.

We are so excited to announce the winner of the UC Presidential Election: Jess & PusFace! Thank you to all who voted, and we look forward to the much-needed change these two will bring to our campus.

1. Wasted Funds. Reallocate the $200 student activities fee from all undergraduate students to cover PusFace's intensive medical care. 

2. Community & Immunity. Create a Multi-Coagulate Center for the mingling of biles to boost campus immunity.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- 1,562 Harvard seniors awoke to a very exciting Thursday morning email. "Upon viewing your lackluster academic records and history of mediocrity, we are honored to announce that you have been elected to the Definitely Not PBK Society." 

"We think everyone deserves an award," a PBK spokesperson said. "It's just that this award means you are not special in any way, shape, or form, and cannot join our club." 

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Sources report that The Edgiest Member Of Your Blocking Group ‘22 is preparing to say something, again. You and your roommates were in the dining hall pretending to be shocked about the latest admissions scandal when he came in and sat down.