by Harvard Athletics

Today is the biggest social event of the fall, and we really want all the students to come out and support our athletics teams, so we kidnapped your mom and she’s calling you for lunch at Mignone Field! 

Fall in Cambridge comes in many forms. Leaves change colors, temperatures drop, and boys in suits go to mysterious destinations. In droves, these boys travel Harvard Square like teeny tiny businessmen. However, one question puzzles almost anyone who crosses the boys’ paths: Are these boys in suits going to a punch event, a recruiting event, or The Rat King’s Birthday Soirée?

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an unprecedented cooperative front, the College Board has officially paired with the Harvard University Admissions Office to announce a new holistic SAT format with only one question, “If your parents’ income was represented in miles, how many miles do your parents make per year?”

This partnership appears to address some of the major concerns identified in the admissions lawsuit against Harvard.

The person who submitted this has asked to remain anonymous.

By A Distraught Cabot Resident

It all began when I noticed its new pair of premium rubber Harley-Davidson tires and Guy Fieri flame decals, but now it’s actively redirecting me to Chameleon Tattoo & Body Piercing in the Garage. I might be crazy, but my I think my red Razor A6 is having a midlife crisis.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Previously quoted as calling the Humanities “child’s play”, Physics concentrator Jack Garver ’21 seems to have met his match in a 1-page response paper for his Aesthetics & Culture Gen Ed course.

Pausing from deriding the simplicity of the liberal arts, Garver whined, “This is so unreasonable! I can’t see how they can expect 250 words from us. They didn’t even tell us what to write about! Aren’t Gen Eds supposed to be easy?”