Cambridge, MA- Recent police reports have now announced that the attempted armed robbery at Barker café was actually just senior Andrew Woodsworth’s Theater, Dance & Media (TDM) thesis. The senior had been planning the final installment to his provocative performance art thesis for the past year: a scene in which Woodsworth bursts unannounced into Barker and stage an elaborate armed robbery.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Earlier this month Harvard sophomore Alex Mureki decided to take advantage of Harvard’s new counseling and mental health services (CAMHS) by requesting approval for an emotional support animal. Little did Alex know that he would be given the responsibility of an eerily humanoid baby doll that occasionally comes alive at night to whisper tidings into Mureki’s ear.

You order a black tea and instead are handed a latte, blueberry muffin, and a water bottle that someone left here a few weeks ago. Do you:

A) mutter thanks and avoid eye contact

B) assertively say “this isn’t what I asked for” and watch in glee as the barista’s soul leaves her body 

You order a small coffee. What size is your coffee?

A) pretty small, I guess?

B) invisible, to the point where I am unsure if the barista heard me order an espresso and then decided to give me a drop of muddy water in a thimble

by Larry Bacow

Remember that super ugly hole in the ground in the yard? You may have seen the sign marking the hole an “archaeological dig site” but don’t be deceived, fool! I only had that sign there to trick the students into drilling for oil. That’s right. For once, I decided to invest in you, the students, to build me an oil farm. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA- With the 2018-19 academic year drawing to a close, President Larry Bacow announced that undergraduate students’ remaining BoardPlus will be invested in the prison industrial complex—Every penny not spent on soy lattes and muffins will be directed toward the containment and dehumanization of human beings.

By Paul J. Barreira, M.D.

Dear Colleagues, 

As we enter the springtime resolving to do better by our world, our communities, our families, and ourselves, I want to share some thoughts with you about how I’m beyond elated to be done with you miserable, unhygienic fucks.

SMITH CAMPUS CENTER — As tensions escalate between the Greek Saloniki and the Vietnamese Bon Me restaurants, SwissBakers has lived up to its name, issuing a declaration of neutrality. With stores around the Square hurrying to pick a side, the Smith Center eatery hopes to remain above the fray, maintaining Swiss bake accounts for all involved. The news comes as a shock to Harvard political analysts, many of whom were surprised to learn that SwissBakers was still in business.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - As Jason Lennon 20’ committed his usual massacre of 18 hard boiled eggs and a cruciferous vegetable assembly during his 9am lecture on "The Responsibilities of Public Action", the brunch’s miasmic vapor caused Jason to be the most hated person in the room while simultaneously ruining the carpeting in Emerson 210 for the rest of eternity.

(We’re broke. Please help us.)

1. Tennis