(We’re broke. Please help us.)

1. Tennis

This past week, allegations surfaced that Harvard fencing coach Peter Brand recruited athletes in a bribing scheme that is sure to leave many people piste off.

“We discussed the pay-off over a meal,” said Jack Burr, the father who sold Brand’s house. “We planned for dinner, but his schedule was tight so we settled for lunge. He told me ‘Mr. Burr, I’ll get your son into Harvard if you sell my house for hundreds of thousands dollars more than it’s worth. It’s a good deal. What do you say...burr?’ I was so excited that I thought I was going to feint.”

To Whom It May Concern,

I hope this email finds you well! As you’re probably well aware, I applied to the summer intern position at your company 3 months ago. And since my mom always tells me “No news is good news”, I’ve started making arrangements to join your team this coming summer! It’s just like I said in that cover letter that you definitely read, I’m proactive!

CAMBRIDGE, MA - On Sunday, as Harvard students filled the Yard to watch Kiiara and Bazzi perform at Yardfest, the Divest Harvard and Harvard Prison Divestment Campaigns held a rally with a record breaking number of people in attendance. The high turnout was not actually in support of the divestment effort, but rather in an effort to shut down the music festival, as the divestment groups had done to President Larry Bacow’s talk earlier in the week.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- The Tercentenary Theater was a sight to see this past Sunday afternoon, as linguists swarmed the yard to tackle the most pressing intellectual caper in the department's history. Their quest? Deceptively simple. Deduce the missing vowels in CEB’s tastefully yet confusingly abbreviated moniker for the day’s revelry: YRD FST.

Earlier this year, Quincy House tutor Adam M. Quincifeld heard something strange. A former tutor pointed out that Harvard had been churning out dweebs, dorks, and pointdexters for centuries, but the House had produced total fucking nerds almost every year for the past decade — a number that dwarfed other houses’ totals by a mile. (Not that any Quincy residents have run one, of course.)

Dear Harvard Community, 

It has come to our attention that current policy requiring gap years for those who are not in good academic standing has fallen under scrutiny. We have considered these several reports in addition to plentiful feedback from students. The Ad Board has convened to determine the best path forward. By unanimous vote, the Ad Board has determined the best policy is not to give a Single Flying Fuck about your mental health.

I write to you in need of assistance. At this very moment, Chunky Mephistopheles is on the roof of the Carpenter Center casting what I assume is a spell of destruction and I worry that this will anger my Resident Dean.

Any iota of advice you could give me is very welcome. I have nicknamed the spirit “Girthy Bob” at his repeated insistence, and Girthy Bob has already purchased every Marlboro cigarette in a seven mile radius. I am unsure if this is relevant, but perhaps it inspires sympathy in College administrators. If you could let me know, that would be great. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA- Last night, the College Events Board announced the 2019 Yardfest artists: Bazzi as headliner featuring an entire handle of Bacardi as the opener.

Commenting on the headliner, Katie R. Jones ‘20 said “Bazzi has that one meme song right? Is he a Youtuber?”