You order a black tea and instead are handed a latte, blueberry muffin, and a water bottle that someone left here a few weeks ago. Do you:

A) mutter thanks and avoid eye contact

B) assertively say “this isn’t what I asked for” and watch in glee as the barista’s soul leaves her body 

You order a small coffee. What size is your coffee?

A) pretty small, I guess?

B) invisible, to the point where I am unsure if the barista heard me order an espresso and then decided to give me a drop of muddy water in a thimble

by Larry Bacow

Remember that super ugly hole in the ground in the yard? You may have seen the sign marking the hole an “archaeological dig site” but don’t be deceived, fool! I only had that sign there to trick the students into drilling for oil. That’s right. For once, I decided to invest in you, the students, to build me an oil farm. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA- With the 2018-19 academic year drawing to a close, President Larry Bacow announced that undergraduate students’ remaining BoardPlus will be invested in the prison industrial complex—Every penny not spent on soy lattes and muffins will be directed toward the containment and dehumanization of human beings.

By Paul J. Barreira, M.D.

Dear Colleagues, 

As we enter the springtime resolving to do better by our world, our communities, our families, and ourselves, I want to share some thoughts with you about how I’m beyond elated to be done with you miserable, unhygienic fucks.

SMITH CAMPUS CENTER — As tensions escalate between the Greek Saloniki and the Vietnamese Bon Me restaurants, SwissBakers has lived up to its name, issuing a declaration of neutrality. With stores around the Square hurrying to pick a side, the Smith Center eatery hopes to remain above the fray, maintaining Swiss bake accounts for all involved. The news comes as a shock to Harvard political analysts, many of whom were surprised to learn that SwissBakers was still in business.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - As Jason Lennon 20’ committed his usual massacre of 18 hard boiled eggs and a cruciferous vegetable assembly during his 9am lecture on "The Responsibilities of Public Action", the brunch’s miasmic vapor caused Jason to be the most hated person in the room while simultaneously ruining the carpeting in Emerson 210 for the rest of eternity.

(We’re broke. Please help us.)

1. Tennis

This past week, allegations surfaced that Harvard fencing coach Peter Brand recruited athletes in a bribing scheme that is sure to leave many people piste off.

“We discussed the pay-off over a meal,” said Jack Burr, the father who sold Brand’s house. “We planned for dinner, but his schedule was tight so we settled for lunge. He told me ‘Mr. Burr, I’ll get your son into Harvard if you sell my house for hundreds of thousands dollars more than it’s worth. It’s a good deal. What do you say...burr?’ I was so excited that I thought I was going to feint.”

To Whom It May Concern,

I hope this email finds you well! As you’re probably well aware, I applied to the summer intern position at your company 3 months ago. And since my mom always tells me “No news is good news”, I’ve started making arrangements to join your team this coming summer! It’s just like I said in that cover letter that you definitely read, I’m proactive!