Anna H. Smith, a senior in Currier, decided on Sunday that sophomores who took gap years are probably fair game.

“Hey, look, I don’t feel great about this,” Smith said defensively. “It’s just that I already know everyone in my grade, and they are literally all dumpster fires, so I have to get creative.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard College will accept less fresh men to the class of 2022, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 said in an interview this week. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped under a pile of strategizing turkeys. 

Cambridge, MA—Aching with the power bestowed upon him by divine right, CS50 professor David Malan, 37, announced on Friday that his capricious will knows no master.  

“You see this mug?” Malan asked, brandishing the CS50 branded container before the mewling crowd in Sanders Theater. "This means nothing to me,” he added, before smashing the mug into the floor. “You there, in the front” Malan said, addressing a member of the audience. "You no longer have to go to section, but you’re now taking this class for a letter grade.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After two rounds of voting, the class of 2018 has officially selected their class Marshalls, the Harvard Alumni Association announced on Wednesday.

Thirty-six branches of the affordable, middle class department store jockeyed for collective ownership by Harvard’s senior class this year. Winners were selected based on criteria such as general popularity, commitment to the Harvard community, and density of middle school students in need of affordable ballet flats for their recital in the surrounding area. 

On Wednesday, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to introduce a new set of Gennifer education requirements to the college. Starting in the 2018-19 academic year, students in the college will be expected to take at least one course in the Gennifer Studies department.

All Courses are to be taught by Gennifer Edwards ‘19, a junior in Leverett studying Economics.

Example departmental courses include GS100: Gennifer’s Celebrity Crushes, GS171: Movies that I, Gennifer, would Bring on a Desert Island, and GS14: Introduction to Gennifer’s Odyssey Online Articles.