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Breaking

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Opinion

I Own You, Weakling

You are pathetic. You think you can ignore me? Fool. You know there’s no escaping me. I am your best friend and your worst nightmare. I have the power to destroy you. I will destroy you. And yet you’ll come back begging for more. You always do. There is literally nothing you can do, you miserable, feeble-minded, frail-boweled coward. I own you, weakling.

You People Are Even Too Problematic for Me

By the Devil

Dear Advocates,

Behold, ‘tis I, the Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub, Satan, Lord of the Dark Abyss. You know, that guy who you just loooove to stand up for, like, all the time in section, at the dining hall, and on twitter when you practice your hot takes. Look, everyone hates changes. I wish I didn’t have to say this. But let me just get it out — after a thorough review of your performance this past year, I regret to inform you that I’ll have to let you go.

I Am Not a Horse Girl, I Am a Centaur

My name is Jessica and I am just like you. I wear clothes, I live in a house, but I am also a centaur. Yes I am eight feet tall, yes I have a tail, and yes I am banned from Sweetgreen. However, don’t be mistaken, I am NOT a horse girl and I don’t associate with them. 

I Am Pietro Alveoli, Sexy Italian Man. Please Subscribe to My Channel

Sexy man

Hello, lovers. As you have undoubtedly read from the title, lovers, my name is Pietro Alveoli, and I am a sexy Italian man. Take care that my flowing hair does not blind you—the light of the sun simply grows more brilliant as it hits my radiant locks, lovers. I hate to ask anything of my dear lovers, lovers, but I am afraid that I must ask you to like and subscribe to my YouTube channel. You shall not regret it, lovers, for I am not only a sexy Italian man, but also an interesting, wealthy-sexy Italian man.

I’m Not Racist, My Top Spotify Artist of 2019 was Drake

This year, I spent 23 hours making the world a better place. And it wasn’t hard—I just spent it with my best friend, Aubrey Drake Graham. I kinda just call him Drake though. And seeing that an artist of color was my go-to fix for all of 2019 has been kind of an a-woke-ning for me. Before I used to wonder if my deafening silence contributed towards the perpetuation of structural oppression. Now, because of Drake, I wonder aloud: Am I not racist because a black artist and some features were in my ears for a long time this year? Yes Indeed.

McKinsey Is An Evil, Reprehensible Corporation and I Would Never Work There (Again)

I recently came across an article shared by my friend working at Bain that McKinsey & Company, the prominent management consulting firm with global reach, helped the Trump Administration execute its ethically questionable immigration policies. McKinsey proposed cost-cutting proposals which jeopardized the health and safety of immigrants in order and were decried as too extreme by ICE staffers themselves.

Dear Valued Customer, Please Pick Up Your Fucking Prescription

By CVS

 

9:15am:

Hi, this is your local CVS pharmacy!  Your Rx order is ready for pickup. Prepay now to use Rx pickup express lane.  Thank you and see you soon!



9:17am:

Hi again!  We see it’s been two minutes since receiving our last text.  Can’t make it to the pharmacy? Simply neglecting your health?  Go to our website to sign up for home delivery! Hope to see you soon!



9:29am:

Vintage Things are Cool Now, So Why Don’t People Like Me?

 

By Lead Paint

Look. Vintage things are having a moment. In storefronts, and hipsters’ shitty shoebox apartments, all you see is retro, retro, retro. And I get it! Old stuff is edgy! But now, they’re all coming back. Polaroids. Record players. Those teeny tiny sunglasses. Everything got plucked out of the chasm of history, and is magically cool again.

Everything except me.

I Technically Have No Dietary Restrictions, But I Fucking Hate Cilantro

Cilantro
by a Sensitive Boy
 
Every year, I fill out a ton of forms for events like field trips or programs. Usually, there’s no issue, and I quickly answer my name, date of birth, and the other generic questions. My mindset is that I should put down answers on these forms that will maximize my happiness and well-being in the long run. That’s why I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with filling out “I fucking hate cilantro” on every form I receive that lists “Do you have any dietary restrictions?” as a question.

America’s Funniest Home Videos Is Better Than Sex, And I Would Know, I’ve Had a Lot of Sex

Bob Saget

by Bob Saget

I don’t know about you, but there is objectively no greater pleasure in life than seeing a mediocrely taped home video of a teenage boy wiping out on his four-wheeler while his entire family idly watches. A baby goat continually head butting himself in the mirror?  Forget about it.  A cat drinking from a water glass? Better than sex.

One may wonder what makes me, Bob Saget, qualified to deem something better than sex.  But let me tell you — it’s because I’ve had a lot of it. Like a lot.  

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