and entering


Prepare Ye for the Floods, As I Press Down on this Water-Saving Dual-Function Toilet Handle

It is I, your immortal and unendingly beneficent heavenly father come to thy stoop to bid thee heed a message of warning. The eve before last, I descended upon this minute sphere of thine to fulfill a godly fantasy of mine: to dine in an establishment renowned through the firmament for perfecting the mortal ambrosia. I speak, plainly, of Taco Bell. 

In Honor of Indigenous People’s Day and National Coming Out Day, I Will Be Watching Netflix’s “Tall Girl”

Tall Girl Netflix

by Someone Who Gets It


It’s October, and that means more than just pumpkin-spice lattes and slutty Halloween costumes. It’s National Hispanic Heritage Month, Indigenous People’s Day, and National Coming Out Day. And unlike all of you, I actually care about these social issues. That’s why I will be watching Netflix’s “Tall Girl” every day this month.


Feminism Means Peeing Faster Than the Men in My Life

woman peeing on carpet

by A Radical Feminist

In today’s world, feminism has many manifestations. Some ladies vie for the same positions as men and eventually become their bosses. Some grow out their armpit hair for winter warmth. Some go inside a Bass Pro Shop. But one inequality still looms large, barring us from earning the same standing as our fathers and brothers: peequality.

Speculation: Greta Thunberg Probably Walks to the Quad

Lately there’s been a lot of buzz about Swedish teenager Greta Thunberg, whose bold activism has pushed the world to take action on climate change. Thousands have listened to her powerful speech from the UN summit last Monday, and even more were touched by her decision to sail across the Atlantic to reduce carbon emissions.

I’m Sorry, but Making a Silly Face in your Photo is Beneath a Gentleman Like Me

Dear Photographer,

You’re probably feeling quite smug right now, having duped nearly all the attendees of my second-cousin’s wedding into making utter fools of themselves. Aunt Lisa, Grandpa Hank, and even Brenda from College fell prey to your cunning trap.

None of them even saw it coming, the poor dolts. The setup was innocent enough: “Say Cheese” you said to placate them. “One more!” you shouted, luring them to the slaughter like so many unsuspecting ewes. Then, when they least expected it, the trap was sprung with four simple words:

I’m an Ally and That’s Why I’m Having My Bachelorette Party Loudly at This Gay Bar

by Tanya

LGBTQ activism has always been an issue close to my heart. Though I am heterosexual, I am a proud and outspoken ally. And that is why me and my twelve loudest friends have chosen to have my bachelorette party at this crowded gay bar during pride weekend.

I’ve Known My Summer Plans Since October, Bitch

by the Worst Person You’ve Ever Met

Confessions of a Plain Girl

By A Plain Girl 

I, Plain Girl™, have entered into a relationship with the new love of my life and senior problem drinker, Doyle Flannigan. I think what attracted him to me was the fact that I'm not plastic and have a pulse, though I don’t mean to be presumptuous. 

Why Prison is the Ultimate Final Club

by Victoria “Knife” van der William Tudor III

Yes, it is I, Victoria van der William Tudor III, the ultimate final woman, here to grace this campus with my humble worldview. After serving an 8-month long sentence at San Quentin Penitentiary (the reason is not important), I have determined that it is prison, and not The Bee, that is the ultimate final club.

Hark, Neophyte! The Fates Sing Fortune and the Lust of Women!

Matt Damon

by The Oracle of Delphic

Sing, Fates! Sing what will become of those most esteemed members of the Delphic! 

The gods on Olympus have blessed our club with the all the will of Zeus himself, that most high and hallowed king before which even the board of the Harvard Financial Analysts Club must kneel. Fortune beyond compare, even to all the gold in the wondrous halls of Crete, is theirs for the taking for those sophomores who do not take issue with using an atmosphere of exclusivity to attract unsuspecting women.