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I Technically Have No Dietary Restrictions, But I Fucking Hate Cilantro

by a Sensitive Boy
Every year, I fill out a ton of forms for events like field trips or programs. Usually, there’s no issue, and I quickly answer my name, date of birth, and the other generic questions. My mindset is that I should put down answers on these forms that will maximize my happiness and well-being in the long run. That’s why I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with filling out “I fucking hate cilantro” on every form I receive that lists “Do you have any dietary restrictions?” as a question.

America’s Funniest Home Videos Is Better Than Sex, And I Would Know, I’ve Had a Lot of Sex

Bob Saget

by Bob Saget

I don’t know about you, but there is objectively no greater pleasure in life than seeing a mediocrely taped home video of a teenage boy wiping out on his four-wheeler while his entire family idly watches. A baby goat continually head butting himself in the mirror?  Forget about it.  A cat drinking from a water glass? Better than sex.

One may wonder what makes me, Bob Saget, qualified to deem something better than sex.  But let me tell you — it’s because I’ve had a lot of it. Like a lot.  

Prepare Ye for the Floods, As I Press Down on this Water-Saving Dual-Function Toilet Handle

It is I, your immortal and unendingly beneficent heavenly father come to thy stoop to bid thee heed a message of warning. The eve before last, I descended upon this minute sphere of thine to fulfill a godly fantasy of mine: to dine in an establishment renowned through the firmament for perfecting the mortal ambrosia. I speak, plainly, of Taco Bell. 

In Honor of Indigenous People’s Day and National Coming Out Day, I Will Be Watching Netflix’s “Tall Girl”

Tall Girl Netflix

by Someone Who Gets It


It’s October, and that means more than just pumpkin-spice lattes and slutty Halloween costumes. It’s National Hispanic Heritage Month, Indigenous People’s Day, and National Coming Out Day. And unlike all of you, I actually care about these social issues. That’s why I will be watching Netflix’s “Tall Girl” every day this month.


Feminism Means Peeing Faster Than the Men in My Life

woman peeing on carpet

by A Radical Feminist

In today’s world, feminism has many manifestations. Some ladies vie for the same positions as men and eventually become their bosses. Some grow out their armpit hair for winter warmth. Some go inside a Bass Pro Shop. But one inequality still looms large, barring us from earning the same standing as our fathers and brothers: peequality.

Speculation: Greta Thunberg Probably Walks to the Quad

Lately there’s been a lot of buzz about Swedish teenager Greta Thunberg, whose bold activism has pushed the world to take action on climate change. Thousands have listened to her powerful speech from the UN summit last Monday, and even more were touched by her decision to sail across the Atlantic to reduce carbon emissions.

I’m Sorry, but Making a Silly Face in your Photo is Beneath a Gentleman Like Me

Dear Photographer,

You’re probably feeling quite smug right now, having duped nearly all the attendees of my second-cousin’s wedding into making utter fools of themselves. Aunt Lisa, Grandpa Hank, and even Brenda from College fell prey to your cunning trap.

None of them even saw it coming, the poor dolts. The setup was innocent enough: “Say Cheese” you said to placate them. “One more!” you shouted, luring them to the slaughter like so many unsuspecting ewes. Then, when they least expected it, the trap was sprung with four simple words:

I’m an Ally and That’s Why I’m Having My Bachelorette Party Loudly at This Gay Bar

by Tanya

LGBTQ activism has always been an issue close to my heart. Though I am heterosexual, I am a proud and outspoken ally. And that is why me and my twelve loudest friends have chosen to have my bachelorette party at this crowded gay bar during pride weekend.

I’ve Known My Summer Plans Since October, Bitch

by the Worst Person You’ve Ever Met

Confessions of a Plain Girl

By A Plain Girl 

I, Plain Girl™, have entered into a relationship with the new love of my life and senior problem drinker, Doyle Flannigan. I think what attracted him to me was the fact that I'm not plastic and have a pulse, though I don’t mean to be presumptuous.