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Breaking

and entering

Opinion

You're Still Invited

A view of Widener Library
by the Office of Student Engagement
 
You may think that just because you've left campus, you've escaped the grasp of me, the Office of Student Engagement. But I'm back, I'm better and stronger than ever, and I'm here to say that you're still invited to my weekly offerings. 
 

I'm Also Hot

By Stacy's Mom's Daughter

Hey, you. Yeah, you, listening to “Stacy’s Mom” at full volume in your shitty dorm party and shouting about how banging my mom's body is. Listen up. Because I have some news for you.

I’m Getting Sick of You Too

You May Think You Have It Bad, but I Can’t Lick Doorknobs Anymore

A doorknob

By Your Local Doorknob Licker

All of you think you have it so bad--not being able to go to your favorite restaurant, catch a movie with your new crush, or have that fifth gin and tonic at the local bar in another fit of self loathing--but let me tell you something… You do not know true anguish until you have your one passion in life ripped from your hands because some fuckers decided not to wash their hands.  

How to Stay in Character As a Pilgrim On a Quarantined Mayflower Cruise

Are you quarantined? On a cruise ship? While acting as religious refugees fleeing Europe for the New World in a small boat? If the answers to these three questions are correct, then we may be able to help!

 

This is My Second Rodeo and I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

I’ll be honest with you; I’ll be frank. This is my second rodeo and I still have no idea what I'm doing. And trust me, it’s not because I haven’t been trying. Let me start from the beginning.

Phineas Gage Can Get It

You know Phineas Gage? No, not the post-harpoon accident whaler. No, definitely NOT that walking, talking, cartoon Dorito with a pet platypus, although I’d definitely go for his deep British-accented broccoli of a brother. I’m talking about THE Phineas Gage, the one that if you’ve taken any class even remotely along the lines of psychology, you’ve without-a-doubt heard of him. Yeah, well he CAN GET IT.

I Own You, Weakling

You are pathetic. You think you can ignore me? Fool. You know there’s no escaping me. I am your best friend and your worst nightmare. I have the power to destroy you. I will destroy you. And yet you’ll come back begging for more. You always do. There is literally nothing you can do, you miserable, feeble-minded, frail-boweled coward. I own you, weakling.

You People Are Even Too Problematic for Me

By the Devil

Dear Advocates,

Behold, ‘tis I, the Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub, Satan, Lord of the Dark Abyss. You know, that guy who you just loooove to stand up for, like, all the time in section, at the dining hall, and on twitter when you practice your hot takes. Look, everyone hates changes. I wish I didn’t have to say this. But let me just get it out — after a thorough review of your performance this past year, I regret to inform you that I’ll have to let you go.

I Am Not a Horse Girl, I Am a Centaur

My name is Jessica and I am just like you. I wear clothes, I live in a house, but I am also a centaur. Yes I am eight feet tall, yes I have a tail, and yes I am banned from Sweetgreen. However, don’t be mistaken, I am NOT a horse girl and I don’t associate with them. 

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