Well, well, well. We meet again. It’s our usual place. Maybe, a Gened section? Or, a group project meeting? Really, anywhere over Zoom. Things are just getting started, and everyone looks happy and content. And then. I strike.
Hey fam! It’s us! Your teats. Your mammary glands. Your udders, if you prefer. We just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We couldn’t help but notice that your hair looks...different. We could have told you that bangs weren’t the way to go. They kinda accentuate your ever-so-slight-but-also-quite-noticeable-hyper-round face of yours. But no worries on that! We all make mistakes! And we think we have a way to get you right back on track!
You may think that just because you've left campus, you've escaped the grasp of me, the Office of Student Engagement. But I'm back, I'm better and stronger than ever, and I'm here to say that you're still invited to my weekly offerings.
Hey, you. Yeah, you, listening to “Stacy’s Mom” at full volume in your shitty dorm party and shouting about how banging my mom's body is. Listen up. Because I have some news for you.
All of you think you have it so bad--not being able to go to your favorite restaurant, catch a movie with your new crush, or have that fifth gin and tonic at the local bar in another fit of self loathing--but let me tell you something… You do not know true anguish until you have your one passion in life ripped from your hands because some fuckers decided not to wash their hands.
Are you quarantined? On a cruise ship? While acting as religious refugees fleeing Europe for the New World in a small boat? If the answers to these three questions are correct, then we may be able to help!
I’ll be honest with you; I’ll be frank. This is my second rodeo and I still have no idea what I'm doing. And trust me, it’s not because I haven’t been trying. Let me start from the beginning.
You know Phineas Gage? No, not the post-harpoon accident whaler. No, definitely NOT that walking, talking, cartoon Dorito with a pet platypus, although I’d definitely go for his deep British-accented broccoli of a brother. I’m talking about THE Phineas Gage, the one that if you’ve taken any class even remotely along the lines of psychology, you’ve without-a-doubt heard of him. Yeah, well he CAN GET IT.
