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HUDS "Traffic Light" Label Has Too Many Colors

The introduction of new color-coded food into several dining halls as part of a senior thesis project investigating whether colors make people eat stuff has drawn criticism from a wide range of students. Chief among the concerns voiced is the number of colors used in the experiment, which has quickly exceeded two dozen and threatens to surpass the chromatic sensibilities of all but the most hardened VES concentrators.

Lamont Securitas Guard Wants to Check that Pocket, Too

LAMONT LIBRARY, Mass. — In a shocking new development, the Lamont Securitas guard has announced that he would like you to open the front-most pocket on your backpack, too.

Exploring Harvard Fetishes: Gold Man-Sacks

College is a time for exploration, and it comes as no surprise that Harvard students are curious to explore not only intellectual, but sexual interests as well. A recent college survey showed that over 66% of Harvard undergraduates are planning on pursuing “gold man-sacks” at some point in their undergraduate years.

A Halloween Message from Dean Khurana

Dear Harvard College students,

Kid just going to leave beer on Wire Mesh Basket

Rapidly descending the stairs of Winthrop’s H entryway Saturday night, Evan Dorsett ’16 announced his plans to desert a half-full can of Natural Light beer in the wire mesh basket on the door of Winthrop H54.

“There are strict regulations against carrying open containers of alcohol in public, which is where I will be when I exit the building and walk onto Mill Street, and therefore I have decided I will abandon this can of beer inside, where conveniently there is a door basket for me to lean it on top of,” he said.

HUPD Enlists Dean Hammonds in Email Investigation

Hoping to placate students dissatisfied with the Harvard’s management of the recent death threat email investigation, Dean Rakesh Khurana and other University officials are reaching out to former Dean Evelyn Hammonds for help in locating the individuals responsible for the message.

“Well, well, well,” said Hammonds, swiveling away from the glow of her wall to wall underground computer bank while neatly crossing her legs. “Look who’s come crawling back.”

Dean Khurana: We Can't Do Better

In the face of criticism for what some students called insufficient communication in the wake of Friday’s emailed death threat, Dean of the College Rakesh Khurana said College administrators “can do better” to communicate with students and took full responsibility for their response to the threat at a press conference on Monday.

Khurana then stepped back from the podium, glanced at the assistant deans and University officers assembled behind him, nodded, and returned. 

“Actually, who am I kidding. We can’t do better. Sorry guys. There, I said it, there it is.”

Tasty Pudding Institute Announces Merger Between Pudding, Tasty Burger

CAMBRIDGE, MA- In a surprise press conference, Grand Sphinx Andrew Farkas announced yesterday that The Hasty Pudding Institute of 1770 has acquired Harvard Square late night eatery Tasty Burger. The new organization will be officially named The Tasty Pudding Institute of 1770, Home of the Big Tasty.

UHS Distributes Cold Kits To Students Bleeding From Pores

In the wake of reports of Ebola in American cities, Harvard University Health Services has "stepped up its game in the fight against Ebola." 

According to UHS Chief Dr. Paul Barreira, UHS is now actively offering free Cold Kits to any students who report "soreness, congested sinuses, or bleeding from multiple orifices."

According to Barreira, the Cold Kits are meant to help provide a "first line of defense" against Ebola, a virus that "can really hamper both academic and extracurricular performance."

Fox News Confirms Majority Of Harvard Students Seem To Have Paid Attention In History Class

Cambridge, MA--- A recent Fox News "Campus Reform" interview of Harvard students confirmed earlier this week that a majority of Harvard students do seem to have paid attention in history class at some point over the course of their lives.

The interview, which sought to determine if Harvard students thought America or ISIS is a greater threat to world peace, revealed unusually nuanced perspectives from students at one of the nation's top colleges, which indicated high levels of international history study and comprehension.