Cambridge, MA--According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a pile of mulch somewhere in the greater Boston area.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Preston Conway, prospective member of Harvard’s Class of 2019, rocked the Visitas community earlier this morning with the announcement that he was actually, sincerely considering going to seven of the other ten colleges he’d been accepted to.

“There you go,” said Wendell Pritchard '16, gently placing a single room-temperature Harvard University Dining Services muffin next to the motionless bundle of blankets huddled inside a doorway on the stretch of Plympton Street between Bow and Mt. Auburn. “That’ll make it all better.”

Pritchard allegedly grabbed the muffin on his way out of Quincy dining hall this morning “just kind of without thinking,” only to later realize that he was too full of bacon “to even consider taking a bite.”

Caligula’s bacchanalian orgies. Hugh Hefner’s extravagant blowouts. Satire V’s “Glam Rock” kickback last Saturday (8pm to 10pm). Such parties are the stuff of legend. Passed down in scandalous whispers from generation to generation. And this reporter was lucky enough to score an invite.

Nicholas Brixby, class of 2016, has reportedly discovered the only “tasteful” joke in existence relating Aaron Hernandez’s former position as a tight end for the New England Patriots to his imminent status as a high-security prison inmate.

In a successful attempt to get past the Divest Harvard blockade of her office, on Tuesday morning Harvard President Drew G. Faust covered herself in crude oil and ran through the crowd of protesters.

“We tried to stop her, but we couldn’t get a good hold on her,” lamented Divest Harvard co-coordinator Talia Rothstein ’17. “She was just too damn slippery.”

"We didn't even notice her before it was too late," added another protester, who asked to remain anonymous. "She was like a shadow. An oily, oily shadow."

Cambridge, MA—After the recent opening of another CVS at the corner of Mass Ave and JFK St., the Harvard Administration has intensified its struggle to prevent the pharmacy chain from spreading any further. At one point, thirteen CVS locations were operating within a small, 2-block stretch of Mass Ave and JFK St.

Cambridge, MA--Following the news that Hell, a region known for temperatures upwards of 1,000,000°F, has completely frozen over, an occurrence that leading meteorologists around the globe are describing as “super scary and shit,” Harvard University President Drew Gilpin Faust has announced that the school will be hosting a panel on climate change this coming April.