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Harvard

Accidentally Deleted ‘B’ Leads to Dozens of Freshmen Comping Sheep Erotica Distributor

Cambridge, MA--- In Harvard’s biggest scandal since the editor of Simplicissimus referred to the Slavic Studies Department as “treacherous, communistic untermenschen,” a traumatized horde of freshmen, predominantly composed of skinny white guys wearing ironic t-shirts, was seen wandering around Harvard Square Sunday morning, shaking their heads and occasionally moaning, “Oh God, I thought only cows had udders,” after each of them had accidentally attempted to join the staff of The Harvard Lamb Poon, a student-run production company that has brought comfort to thousands of lonely rams and yo

Harvard Campus Services Begins Last Stand Against Nature

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In the brief respite before the newest winter storm arrived in Cambridge, the surviving Harvard Campus Services personnel lined up in seven rows of snowplows and bulldozers for one final stand on Memorial Drive. There they stood, shivering in the cold as they watched the sun set underneath the dark cloud of the front barreling towards them. Some of them were afraid, but most of them were past the point of fear.

Harvard University Declines to Close for Plague of Locusts

Cambridge, MA—Classes continued as scheduled Friday, despite reports of millions of locusts infesting Cambridge’s remaining coniferous shrubbery and devouring the latest shipment of HUDS squash. Professors prevented from coming to work by the plague of locusts, which closely followed the worst week of snowfall in Boston-area history and a curious incident where blood poured from a crack in the frozen Charles River, were instructed to inform their students of any changes to class schedules created by the incident.

Dean Dingman Seen Selling Suspiciously Brown Snow Cones

Cambridge, MA—Officials from the municipal health department were described as “greatly disturbed” following several reports of Harvard University’s Dean of Freshmen, Thomas A. Dingman, selling what looked to be brown slush in upside-down party hats clearly labeled “Happy New Year 1987!” outside of Crema Café in Brattle Square.

“Hey, kiddies, want some snow cones? They’re chocolate-flavored!” Mr. Dingman ’67, visibly intoxicated and wearing a sweat-stained t-shirt saying “Dean of Phresh” in hot-pink lettering, was heard to shout at tourists, students, and homeless people alike.

Prick Lowell Resident Accuses HoCo of Underinflating Super Bowl Party Balloons

Lowell resident and resident prick Stephen Dugey ’15 issued claims this afternoon that HoCo had purposefully underinflated the Seahawks–themed balloons at its super bowl party in the JCR, sparking a debate as to the unbiased nature of the House Committee.

“The Patriots colors flew high to the ceiling while the Seahawks balloons noticeably sagged a bit,” said Dugey, between occasional, annoying comments that interrupted both the game and the funny commercials. “I could feel my pride in the Seahawks deflating at the same time,” he added, pleased with his cleverness.

Increasingly Desperate Interdimensional Entity Attempts to Contact Local Student via Radiator

Cambridge, MA—For the past two weeks, an interdimensional entity has been attempting to warn local student John Reyes of humanity’s impending doom by tapping out really loud and annoying messages on his radiator.

Using a combination of binary and Morse, the entity has conveyed long and complex algorithms that would allow humanity to escape the bounds of our solar system and find salvation in a distant Earth analog.

Literal Hell to be Offered This Spring

A new course, RELIGION 666a, will be offered this spring, according to the registrar. The class, ‘Literal Hell’, will examine perspectives of hell through immersion, aiming to providing students with a greater understanding of religious stories. Additionally, the course hopes to enable students to sympathize with characters such as Dante, Persephone, and others.

Dean Harris Confesses Median Grade in Freshman Seminars is SAT, Most Common Grade Also SAT

Just as another grading controversy began to fade away, Dean of Undergraduate Education Jay M. Harris conceded on Tuesday afternoon that the median grade in Harvard College freshman seminars is SAT and the most frequently awarded mark is SAT, validating suspicions that the College employs a softer grading standard than many of its peer institutions.

Heine-Turban Knowingly Violate Ukrainian Sovereignty

“Slap us in the cuffs. I’ll serve my time,” said Luke R. Heine ’17, an Undergraduate Council (UC) presidential candidate, laughing at the possibility of international sanctions.
 
Heine and Stephen A. Turban '17, the only entirely sophomore UC ticket for this year's election, have recently been accused by NATO of launching military incursions into the volatile Donetsk region of eastern Ukraine, and now face a $15 fine in addition to economic sanctions imposed by the European Union.
 

FWD:FWD: FWD: Please Take My Psych Survey, There is A Gun To My Head, Opportunity to win a $3 Amazon Gift Card

****DO NOT STOP READING**** U WILL DIE DEAD IF YOU STOP READING
 
Once you've opened this, if you do not take my Psych 18 survey and forward it to at least 5 unique email lists, the evil clown standing next to me will pull the trigger, and then appear by your bedside at night singing a creepy song. Also, you will never be kissed by your crush.
 
I am literally so desperate. I would do anything to get you to take this survey--

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