and entering


Biden to Visit Dingman, IOP on Thursday

United States Vice President Joe Biden announced plans to visit longtime friend and self-anointed “Dean of Fresh” Thomas A. Dingman ’67 this Thursday, adding that he would also address students beforehand with remarks at the Institute of Politics.

“Can’t wait to see Tommy D again, even if it means having to say some shit about foreign policy at the IOP,” Biden told reporters.

CS50 Experiencing "Record Highs"

Sources in the Harvard administration claim that Computer Science 50 has recently become the "highest class at Harvard" after consuming narcotic substances with an alarming frequency. 

Hillel Hosts First Punch Event

Harvard Hillel opened its punch season last night with a bang. After sending out invites to “The Chosen People,” the college’s wealthiest, best looking, and most Jewish came to the Hillel clubhouse on 52 Mt. Auburn St. with little idea of what to expect. Among the eager punches was a SatireV member who was able to forge an invite to report on the process that has for so long been shrouded in mystery.

Office of Student Life Announces Plan to Restrict Inter-House Sleeping on Friday Nights

     The Office of Student Life announced this Wednesday that it will begin restricting inter-house sleeping on Friday nights. The new restrictions join Thursday dining restrictions as part of a campus-wide effort to increase the cohesion of house communities. 

Progressive Final Club Member Asks: "Why Can't We Punch Women?"

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The following was sent to us by a member of one of Harvard’s all-male social organizations referred to as “final clubs.” He wishes to remain anonymous.


As I begin another year here at Harvard, I find myself once again considering the outmoded gender norms of our still-insular society, particularly among the final club crowd. As the semester kicks into gear and the leaves begin to change, a question I’ve thought about for quite a while now is beginning to irk me anew: Why can’t we punch women?

Lowell House Residents File Noise Complaint Against The Owl

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Cambridge—Yesterday, residents of Lowell House Suite C-12 filed a noise complaint against the Owl Club. Located a stone’s throw from the club, the suite’s windows face east, receiving the brunt of its thumping beats and the enthusiastic dialogue of the building’s many frequenters.

The complaint comes one day after the club’s first punch event of the Fall, which in years past have come to be known as a coming of age event for bright sophomores and desperate juniors alike. 

University to Sell Student Names to Donors

As an exciting new part of Harvard’s capital campaign, university administrators announced on Monday that they would allow donors to change the name of any one of the 255 freshmen currently residing in Canaday Hall.

The Smith Campus Center, One Year Later

Cambridge, MA- Almost one year ago, students awoke to a transformed world. The Holyoke Center, the beloved home of everything from university offices to university offices, was renamed the Richard A. and Susan F. Smith Campus Center, beginning an ambitious renovation project to transform the building into a social hub for students. Now, almost a year into the project, students are finally seeing the results of the renovation, and they love it.

FOP Fails to Provide Sexual Awakenings

According to a troubling report released this Monday by Harvard's Freshman Outdoor Program, 84% of students completed this year’s program without experiencing a sexual awakening. Despite their best efforts to have a "wilderness experience," it appears the vast majority of participants have a wholesome, sexless time.

Traveling Harvard Students Excited to Return, Complain About Asian Tourists

CAMBRIDGE, MA - As September quickly approaches, many Harvard students are beginning to return from their summers abroad and eagerly anticipate complaining about Cambridge’s tourists.

“Oh my God, they are everywhere,” nagged Dunster Sophomore Trisha Lott, whose Facebook sports a profile picture of a mid-air jump in front of Madrid’s Palacio Real. “I’m just trying to walk to class without having to slightly divert my path.”