and entering


Folklore and Myth Concentrator Excited to Begin Thesis on "The Female Orgasm"

Cambridge, MA- Folklore and Mythology concentrator Vince Willendorf has recently expressed excitement for senior year and beginning of his largest academic project to date.
"Folklore and Myth has just taught me so much. It's exciting to apply my learning to the modern myths of our day" said Willendorf. "Like El Chupacabra and the Yeti, the 'Female Orgasm" is a superstition still believed in some areas of the world."

Harvard Summer School Proctor Wants to “Hang Out”

               Summer School proctor Tom Stevens, class of 2016, has expressed a desire to “hang out” with other Harvard students living in and around campus this summer. Stevens, who has spent the last two months living in Canaday, indicated this afternoon that he would love to “just chill, you know?” with his peers participating in PRISE, BLISS, and other summer research and work opportunities at Harvard.

High Schooler Founder of Whale Conservation Campaign Attends Ninth Consulting Event

NEW YORK – Harry Talenschmidt who, as a junior in high school, founded and led the popular World Wide Whale project, has just attended his ninth consulting event during his junior year in college.

In Streamlining Bid, Dean Jay Harris Announces Removal of Course Titles from Q Guide

Cambridge, MA—As part of a broader effort to “make the Q a more accurate, sophisticated, and helpful mechanism for learning about and choosing courses,” Dean Jay Harris today announced that course titles would no longer be included in the Q Guide. The announcement was buried in the middle of a longer speech on the impact of Harvard’s yard fertilizer choices on matriculation rates. The decision to change the system was made in September, but the formal announcement had been delayed until the Faculty Council felt it was appropriate.

Non-Sociopaths Still Underrepresented at Harvard

Cambridge, MA- Despite efforts to increase diversity at the college, Harvard’s most recent admissions report suggests that people capable of empathy continue to be underrepresented in the incoming Class of 2017. Although sociopaths make up less than 1% of the U.S population, they accounted for 54% of this years admitted students.

Lowell Sophomore Excited for Graduation of Senior Whose Name He Can’t Remember

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Cambridge, MA- As the semester comes to a close, the bitter Massachusetts winter subsides, and students are preoccupied with formals and last chance hook-ups, our Harvard community’s mind turns towards graduation day.

“I am so excited,” said Taylor Johannes ‘16. “That senior who always says hi to me is finally going to be out of here.”

Local Man Attempts to Return Overdue Knife to Library, Gets Arrested

Earlier Wednesday, Harvard University Police Department officers apprehended a shirtless white man who was attempting to return a knife to Lamont Library. A subsequent misunderstanding between HUPD officers and the individual resulted in a brief altercation and arrest.

Scientist Discovers Rare Breed of Undergrad in Depths of Lamont

Cambridge, MA—While collecting books for zoological research, Harvard Professor Brian Farrell made a groundbreaking and serendipitous discovery just one short mile from his research lab at Harvard University.

“I stopped in one of the undergraduate libraries,” began Farrell, “to pick up a book unavailable in Widener. As I made my way into the restricted C-level stacks, I noticed a sobbing sound unlike any on record since the extinction of Hopefullia freshmanus during fall midterms.”

Beautiful People Come Out of Hiding for Eleganza

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Harvard’s annual fashion show Eleganza hits the runway this weekend and looks to be a great opportunity for all beautiful people to finally come out of hiding.

“It’s absolutely crucial that we take a moment to celebrate beauty,” said Lisa Strauss, a model with an unparalleled thigh gap. “There are so many organizations on campus, but for some reason there aren’t any meant for physically attractive people.”

Eleganza is working to help not only this oppressed minority group, but also those in need.

American Sign Language Supporters Demand to be Heard

Under an upcoming Undergraduate Council referendum, the Harvard student body will be voting whether to support the reintroduction of American Sign Language (ASL) courses that may be taken for credit. Advocate groups claim they are finally raising their fingers, and know that they will be seen by the student body.