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Harvard

Lassonde Announces Free Quincy Storage "Up Your Own Ass"

Cambridge, MA--- In what he calls “an exciting development,” Dean of Student Life Stephen Lassonde has announced a solution to the conundrum posed by the recent renovation of Quincy House under which, until today, students would not have been provided with free on-campus summer storage space.

“In light of the outpouring of concern we’ve received from Quincy undergraduates,” the dean revealed in a house-wide email, “the OSL has engineered a cost-free strategy to continue to provide students with the same amenities afforded to the remainder of the College.”

Crimson Cash Exchange Rate Plummets

New York City, NY—Crimson Cash collapsed in value in early trading Monday, on the heels of the revelation that the Harvard Corporation does not have $250,000 in liquid assets. Crimson Cash fell 30% versus Brown Bear Bucks, 23% versus the Euro, and reached a 5-year-low of 0.61 to the Princeton Paw Print.

College Shuts off Water, Electricity Over Spring Break

Cambridge, MA-- In an effort to add to the savings accrued during HUDS’ spring break closing, Harvard financial officers have reportedly ordered the shutdown of all College utilities for the duration of the week.

College Events Board Cancels Yardfest Artist

The College Events Board faced immediate backlash Thursday night after a video on their website revealed this year’s Yardfest artist to be up-and-coming R&B sensation Janelle Monáe.
 
As per usual, students were quick to speak out against the CEB’s decision. “Her upbeat tempos and funky rhythms make me absolutely sick,” said senior Brandon Hasbrook. “Don’t even get me started on the lyrics: completely inoffensive and absolutely catchy."
 

Uncomfortable Truths in Spanish Class

As Harvard’s introductory language classes approach midterms, many students are becoming increasingly skilled at expressing uncomfortable truths about themselves.

Harvard-Bound 8th Grader has Serious Reservations about the Quad

As housing season heats up, freshman aren’t the only ones quibbling over the quadrangle.

After arriving home from squash practice Friday evening, triple legacy and favorite son Henry Prescott-Weld threw off his Barbour jacket and sighed heavily.  His team, the Feildsdale Cavaliers, had just won districts, but Henry‘s mind was on other things while “at sport.” 

Kirkland House: We Respect Our Meat—I Mean, Women

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Upon releasing its Housing Day video album, Kirkland House has been met with a fair number of accusations of sexism, among many things; however, Kirkland House would like to reaffirm its support for women.

“They came to me with an idea to represent our house in a fun and lighthearted way. When they told me we were going to shoot a video of several faceless, half-naked, human-boar hybrid women gyrating around a room and assuming various sexual positions, I told them, ‘Wow, I think you’re on to something!’,” said Kirkland House in an interview.

Harvard Junior on Mission to Selfie with Obama

Leverett Dining Hall, MA- A sophomore in Leverett last night deduced that the “high-profile dignitary” visiting the Harvard Square area (the visit not being connected with the University) is probably totally Barack Obama visiting the Kennedy School.

Hopeful Terrorist Thwarted by New edX Restrictions

edX, the revolutionary open-source online education program offered by Harvard, MIT, Stanford, and every other university with more than three computers, recently revealed that its course “Flight Vehicle Aerodynamics” would be blocked to students in Cuba, Iran, and Sudan.

"Twitch Plays Pokémon" Revives Flagging Mayopoulos Presidency

Following a disappointing meeting last week with University President Drew Faust regarding a $250,000 increase in funding for student organizations, a spiritually disillusioned President Gus Mayopoulos has allegedly found renewed hope for humanity and Harvard in the teachings of The Church of the Helix.

Mayopoulos—who has been watching the online social experiment “Twitch Plays Pokémon” twenty-six hours a day since discovering The Stream—surprised friends and constituents alike with his quick turnaround from existential malaise into transcendent bliss.

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