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Harvard

Spare Change Newspaper Vendor Named Dean of Pleasant E-mails

Cambridge, MA—“Young ladies, young men,” began the first message from the newly appointed Dean of Pleasant E-mails. Spare Change Newspaper vendor Gregory Daugherty—a longtime fixture of Harvard Square—was elected unanimously to be the inaugural holder of the position.  “Would you like to read the Dean’s weekly e-mail today?” the message continued, “Don’t be shy. Young man. Young lady.”

Sophomore Sets Record for Number of VES Classes He Has Been Rejected From

Cambridge, MA--- Still in the midst of shopping week, Harvard sophomore Tom Stepps has been rejected from three hundred and fifty seven classes in the VES department. “I thought if I applied to a bunch of them and had a decade of hands-on experience and interest in the visual arts, I could get in,” explained Stepps, “but clearly I should have thought more carefully in the interview about which films have inspired me most.”

President Mayopoulos Declares Martial Law

President Gus Mayopoulos, who reportedly suffers from impotence and a crippling fear of the color orange, has declared a State of Emergency on Harvard’s campus. A curfew is now in effect for all students and professors, who must return to their homes by 10pm and get lunch with him in Kirkland at noon so he does not have to eat alone.

Harvard To Cancel All Government 1300 Courses

Cambridge, MA- Following the bomb threat by a Government 1368 student and the cheating scandal that required over seventy Government 1310 students to take a leave of absence, representatives from Harvard College have announced that all classes in the Government 1300 sequence will be canceled indefinitely.

Coop Stops Rebates, Humanities Concentrators Lose “Feeling of Getting Paid”

After 131 years of issuing rebates in the form of checks to student customers, the Coop recently started doing instant discounts on all purchases. Since its decision, the store, with its little known and little advertised Harvard affiliation, has received mixed reviews about the change.
 

Ichthus Retracts Second Blog Post

The Harvard Ichthus has once again apologized for offending any “Jew-lovers” for “something that like, maybe could have been a little offensive.”

Sam Clark Retires From Public Life

Cambridge, MA - Undergraduate Council President-elect Sam Clark has officially announced his retirement from public life following his shocking victory in the recent UC elections. 

After a week in which the Harvard junior found himself launched into viral video fame and was elected to the highest office in the land, Clark has announced that he has decided to step back from public life, forsaking the spotlight in favor of a quiet life on his family's ancestral puppy farm.  

University To Rename Science Facility After Kanye West’s Daughter

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Harvard University Provost Alan Garber announced Thursday that the building formerly known as Northwest Labs would be renamed after the daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, following their recent visit to the Graduate School of Design.

College Introduces Pre-Pre-Term Planning

Following the recent Pre-Term Planning debacle, in which ninety-seven percent of undergraduates forgot to submit their projected class schedule for the spring semester, Harvard College administrators have decided to implement a new, Pre-Pre-Term Planning tool for student use. The proposed web application, which will ask students to plan out four months in advance how they will later fill out their regular Pre-Term Planning schedules, will go live at 9:30 am on Christmas morning and close at 12:01 am New Year’s Day.

Harvard Undergraduate Council Plunged Into Crisis After Securitas Coup

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