As the most powerful Atlantic storm in recorded history battered the United States mainland, the nation kept Florida in its prayers, but also decided that the state kind of had it coming anyway.

“Hurricane Irma is causing mass destruction to all in its path with winds reaching up to 185 miles per hour,” Sandra Zuckerman of the National Hurricane Center said. “But then again, Florida is also the reason Bush was elected.”

As Florida residents boarded up their homes and stockpiled food, water, and gasoline, the nation debated just how much pity was warranted.

BOCA RATON – Things are sure to spin out of control this weekend when area octogenarian Irma visits her friends Ethel, Maureen, and Gladys at the Sunny Vistas Assisted Living Center in Boca Raton, Florida.

1. Lying

Before you can reveal the truth, you must first lie about your potentially treasonous exchanges with foreign agents. You can’t ultimately claim to be transparent by Tweeting out smoking-gun emails if you don’t first lie about them for a year (at least).

2. Keep Lying

WEST VILLAGE, NY — Reports indicate that celebrated author and speaker Malcolm Gladwell, notable for promoting the assertion that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert in a field, has been hard at work practicing being a complete moron. While many dabble in being dumb, very few can say they have mastered the activity. But now, Gladwell can count himself among the preeminent idiots of the world, having devoted 10,000 hours of his life to being fucking stupid.

Five of our most "in" Insider™ experts offer their collective insights on this season's most interesting award races.

Most Valuable Player

Russell Westbrook

- Paced the league in cupcake references (1.2) per 36 minutes. Personally ensured that 20% of team didn't touch the ball all season.

James Harden