WASHINGTON, D.C. – With a loud exclamation of “What? Senator Warren is evolving!,” passersby last Tuesday observed Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) cloaked in a bright light and, despite some partisan onlookers hastily pressing B, morphing into the form of Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT).

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Area savant Michael Goldberg returned Monday after what sources describe as a “transformative” summer abroad in England, Spain, and France. After two months of immersion in European art, literature, and language, Goldberg revealed that he would no longer subscribe to the barbaric American norm of tipping.

Yesterday, as I often do, I Tweeted one of my tremendous ideas. And I have noticed that many in the liberal FAKE NEWS media are misconstruing my Tweet as something I never intended. The FAKE NEWS media tries to undermine my true messages every single day, so I've decided to undercut them and talk to you directly.

I would like to clear this up once and for all: when I Tweeted that Americans were desperate for "EASY D," I was talking about penises. 

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Mike Pence has finally released the fart he has been holding in for seven years.

At a breakfast for small business owners this Friday, Pence paused in the middle of assuring attendees that the President does not intend to declare war on Australia. He furrowed his eyebrows, looked pensively at his shoes, and let a big one rip. 

BOSTON, MA - After a lifetime of insisting to his wife that homegrown enthusiasm really can change the spirit of a sports game, 56-year-old Bob Leftwich finally emerged victorious after the Patriots miraculously won the Super Bowl on a last minute touchdown.

Somehow balancing an open beer on his gut without spilling, Leftwich grew increasingly livid at his TV when Tom Brady wasn’t producing the god-like plays that he expected.

According to sources, he took his anger out on the referees, screaming at them, “Hey ref, can I pet your seeing-eye dog?”

Hillary Clinton, the failed Democratic contender for President of the United States in 2016, recently announced that she is penning a new book to be published by Simon & Schuster this fall. Tentatively titled Reflections on Change, the book will discuss Clinton’s path from ambitious Wellesley graduate to Secretary of State, the bruising 2016 election, and the quotes that continue to motivate her. Satire V has obtained this exclusive excerpt from her book below:

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Hi there, how’s everyone doing? I bet you didn’t think you’d be seeing any more of me after two failed presidential campaigns, but look how things have ended up—I’ve been nominated to be the Secretary of Energy! I know I’ll face some serious responsibilities in my new role, but in the meantime, I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge how funny this whole thing is.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In response to President Trump's executive order last Wednesday, all immigrants in the United States have collectively issued an order to publish a comprehensive list of criminal actions committed by Trump each week of his presidency.

WASHINGTON — After a week in which President Donald Trump imposed sweeping immigration restrictions, pulled out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, directed the construction of a wall along the US-Mexican border, and began to dismantle Obamacare, among other things, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan sheepishly inquired about when tax cuts would begin.

“M-m-mister P-p-president?” began Ryan as he cautiously approached the President’s desk. “I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job—tremendous, in fact,” Ryan added with a forced chuckle.