MONROVIA, CA- After erroneously searching “google maos” in the Chrome search bar for the fifth time this week, John Wilkinson, a 31 year-old Uber call center representative, threw his hands up in despair, scoffing “As if I would look to Mao for an example of a proletariat uprising.”

 “Armed revolution of the peasantry, what idiot thought that would work out?” Wilkinson elaborated, sipping out of an Intelligentsia coffee mug.

Liberal pundits keep talking about how President Donald Trump has undermined American democracy by defying the norms that keep the government running. So what are these norms? And why do we care? Who is the President Pro Tempore of the Senate, and what does he do?

Without further ado, these are the top 7 norms that Trump has undermined:

1.     Norm of Mutual Toleration

United States of America – From the nation that has learned how to commodify everything from prisons to sex comes a powerful lesson for young children: Leave your body parts under your pillow and rely on the benevolence of an invisible hand to compensate you for natural resources you have painfully extracted!

Talk about a victory for the free market! Micro adults can expect a standardized rate of $1-2 per outside bone, with all prices subject to inflation. Extra sums go to the children of Charles and David Koch. 

After an offensive bleatdown at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, Tom Brady has lost his GOAT status in the minds of many football insiders.

“Yes, he’s defeated a real hooves-who of great teams,” ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith said on Around the Horn. “But it’s udderly absurd and ludicrously e-goat-istical for Patriots fans to claim that Tom Brady is undeniably the GOAT when he can’t even bleat the Eagles without their starting quarterback. That’s one of the most blasphemous things I’ve ever herd. I love you, Brady, but it's clear you're officially pasture prime.”

MINNEAPOLIS – According to a joint study by the Pew Research Center and Sports Illustrated, a majority of Americans who consider themselves NFL fans will be rooting for halftime performer Justin Timberlake in Super Bowl LII.

“At first we were surprised by the findings,” said Pew VP of Research Claudia Deane. “But when we took a quick poll around the office, well, it seems the hatred for both of these franchises is overhwlemingly palpable, and Justin Timberlake is a beloved pop icon.”

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - Sources close to pop star Katy Perry report that she is staving off bankruptcy solely because lonely college freshmen are listening to the acoustic version of her 2010 hit “The One That Got Away” on repeat.

The Santa Barbara native was once making millions worldwide from her catchy pop-dance ditties and heartfelt ballads. But now she is only able to make ends meet from the residuals she receives as 18-year-olds lament their recently lost high school loves.

BRUNSWICK BOWLING LANES, LOWELL MA — Still hot off the disappointment of Lady Gaga’s Joanne and desperate for any object to look up to, gay millennials across the nation have started a fandom that worships a size 8 pink bowling ball in a blonde wig as their new icon.

The Pew Research Center reported on Monday that anti-Semitism is on a steep decline because Americans are realizing that Paul Rudd is Jewish.

Pew’s findings show that anti-Semitism experienced an uptick in 2016, when Donald Trump's campaign revved up anti-Jewish prejudice. But anti-Semitism has been dropping dramatically ever since as people remember that vaguely unobjectionable Hollywood A-lister Paul Rudd is a member of the tribe.