BEVERLY HILLS, CA - Sources close to pop star Katy Perry report that she is staving off bankruptcy solely because lonely college freshmen are listening to the acoustic version of her 2010 hit “The One That Got Away” on repeat.

The Santa Barbara native was once making millions worldwide from her catchy pop-dance ditties and heartfelt ballads. But now she is only able to make ends meet from the residuals she receives as 18-year-olds lament their recently lost high school loves.

BRUNSWICK BOWLING LANES, LOWELL MA — Still hot off the disappointment of Lady Gaga’s Joanne and desperate for any object to look up to, gay millennials across the nation have started a fandom that worships a size 8 pink bowling ball in a blonde wig as their new icon.

The Pew Research Center reported on Monday that anti-Semitism is on a steep decline because Americans are realizing that Paul Rudd is Jewish.

Pew’s findings show that anti-Semitism experienced an uptick in 2016, when Donald Trump's campaign revved up anti-Jewish prejudice. But anti-Semitism has been dropping dramatically ever since as people remember that vaguely unobjectionable Hollywood A-lister Paul Rudd is a member of the tribe.

The Republican Tax Plan just passed the House. What does the Senate GOP want in order to pass the bill? Satire V has obtained a list of some of the demands:

JEFFERSON LABS, VA—Using recently-developed technology, scientists have finally determined that musician Katy Perry crossed the line from pop princess to super cringe on October 14, 2015.

According to the project’s chief scientist, George L. Xavier, the study was an outgrowth of widespread confusion about when exactly Perry became cringe. “What we found was that everyone agreed ‘Swish Swish,’ ‘Bon Appetit,’ and ‘The Smurfs 2’ made them uncomfortable,” he said. “The more difficult issue was deciding the earliest date when Katy did something kinda off.”

November 8, 2016 (Election)—WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?

November 9, 2016 (The morning after)—FUCK. Deep breaths. FUCK. Breathe in. FUCK. Breathe out. FUCK.

November 10, 2016 (Clinton spotted in woods)—Come the fuck back.

January 11, 2017 (Obama gives his farewell address)—FUCKING STAY.

January 20, 2017 (Inauguration)—FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

January 21, 2017 (Spicer lies about crowd size)—Okay we have the fucking picture right in front of us.

Hey there, voter.

I heard you’re looking for a Republican lawmaker who’s socially and economically conservative, but not in an off-putting way. Well, look no further than me, because I’m not like those other Republicans. I’m a moderate.

CUPERTINO, CA - Earlier today, Tim Cook shocked Apple aficionados and Geniuses alike by unveiling Apple's most revolutionary product to date, the iPhone XXX. The iPhone X, it seems, was merely a warm up act for one of the "greatest innovations of our time."

"We've disrupted every industry you can think of. Music, TV, news, telecom; the list goes on," Cook said. "It was about time we broke through to the one industry that accounts for over 20% of the time people actually spend on our devices, porn."

WALTHAM, MA — In a conference for Boston-area academics last night, leading intellectual Gnome Chomsky issued a statement criticizing U.S. hedgemony.