CAMBRIDGE, MA— At first, Caroline Jenson thought it was just a fluke. But then, the toothpaste kept coming and coming, leading Jenson to the conclusion that the amount of toothpaste contained in the tube approached infinity. 

“When the tube lasted my whole Freshman Fall,” she admitted, “I thought it was just an unusually large tube. But then, I hit Junior Spring, and I knew something was up.”

“If I had known toothpaste tubes were infinite, I would have never taken that intolerably long trek from Adams to CVS,” explained Charlotte Mills, a three-time FOP leader.

NEW YORK, NY — Since the election of Donald Trump, the nation has seen a rise in public declarations and demonstrations in favor of white supremacy. For many journalists and media outlets, the problem lies not in the racism itself, but what to call it. Thus, The Associated Press is releasing a new style guide, "1001 Ways to Avoid Calling Something Racist," at the beginning of the new year.

WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference on Tuesday, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced his most groundbreaking finding to date. Over the past four years, Vladimir Putin has transferred billions of dollars to President Donald Trump. But in a shocking turn of events, all of the illicit payments are public on Venmo.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – After being repeatedly warned by pundits of the importance of turnout in the 2018 US mid-term elections, and inspired by thousands of Twitter bots posting images of voters posing outside their polling places, Vladimir Putin finally emerged from the Kremlin proudly displaying his “I Voted” sticker on his lapel.

Boston, MA – On Friday, Senator Elizabeth Warren announced plans to honor local college student Katie South with a medal for citizenship, after South reportedly filled out a mail-in ballot and proceeded to completely forget about it in her desk drawer. South, who studies government, claims she was surprised by the attention. “No, I wouldn’t say I’m a hero, I was just doing the right thing. I filled out my ballot, put it away beneath some papers, and I haven’t thought about it since. Basically, there’s no way I’m mailing that envelope in before tomorrow.”

Though impossible, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James has a 100.3 ± 0.2 % chance of representing the Eastern Conference in the 2019 NBA Finals according to our prophetic Excel spreadsheet models. As Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert once wittily noted, “LEBRON UR A BIG FAT MEANIE and ARE RUINING the league.”

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an ambitious move that many respected political analysts are calling “unlikely to work” and “kind of embarrassing,” the Democratic National Committee has unveiled a bold proposal to somehow possibly maybe win a little bit in the upcoming 2018 midterm elections. 

DNC Chairman Tom Perez told reporters that the Democratic Party is hoping “for some kind of victory, really, anything, we’ll take anything.” He then collapsed onto the floor in a puddle of tears, a move that was pretty uncomfortable to witness from a 57-year old adult in a position of power.

FENWAY PARK -- After extensive research on the subject, mathematicians at Northeastern University have determined that the World Series in fact converges to Boston if summed to infinity.

“Much like the geometric series of 1/(2^n) or the near-infinite series of ‘Dunkin stores in Boston,’ after solving for the World Series, we found it converges on Boston nearly every time,” explained head researcher Robert McOwen.

In an upsetting, but at this point certainly not surprising, act of betrayal against women, Lena Dunham joined multiple female senators in voting “Yes” to confirm Brett Kavanaugh as a Supreme Court justice last week.