Nobody Stabbed in JFK Park This Week

In a shocking turn of events, not a single person was stabbed at John F. Kennedy Park near Harvard Square this past week. This follows stabbings that occurred on September 8 and 30 of this year.

The addition of barbed-wire fences surrounding the park and metal detectors at all possible points of entry is believed to be part of the reason for the decrease in violent crime. Anybody who wishes to enjoy the park must now go through an airport-style security check before entering.

Freshman Takes 9 Midterms In One Day

Freshman Sarah Schultz, ’17, was surprised to find she took nine midterms last Friday, the majority of which were for classes in which she was not even enrolled. Miss Schultz had her Ec 10 and LS1A midterms on the same day but ended up taking an extra seven midterms without even realizing it.

Conflicted Homophobic Student Wants Rainbow Cake

CAMBRIDGE, MA – While passing by an on-campus celebration in honor of BGLTQ history month, deeply homophobic sophomore Danny Larson underwent a moral conflict upon seeing the “delicious-looking” rainbow cake being served at the party. 

“It was a tough moment for me,” Larson said. “I definitely don’t support gay rights or agree with the homosexual lifestyle, but that rainbow cake looked fabulous.” 

Harvard Football Beats, Um, Brown? Did We Play Brown?

Last Saturday Harvard’s football team claimed another win over a team that was probably Brown, possibly Columbia, most likely not Notre Dame.

 The wide receiver caught the ball some number of times, and the linebacker ran with the ball for a good number of minutes. It is also reported that the quarterback threw the ball, giving Harvard a huge advantage over the opposing team.

 Football is a sport.

Crimson Reporter Unreasonably Proud of Pun

Sources say Harvard Crimson opinion writer Sam Thulman, ’16, is chuckling to himself in the newsroom over a brilliant play on words, after using the term “nocturnal emissions” to describe the ongoing issue of light pollution in the Boston night sky.

Anscombe Society Launches “Kleenex Are for Noses” Campaign

The Harvard Anscombe Society has announced the beginning of its long-anticipated public awareness campaign to combat the perceived misuse of tissues on campus.

 “It has come to our attention,” said vice-president of the Anscombe Society Stacey Mingram during this morning’s press conference, “That certain students on campus are using Kleenex for something other than their intended purpose.”

 The Society claims that not only is such mishandling immoral in and of itself, but that it can also serve as a gateway to more extreme deviant behaviors.

Food Literacy Project: "In Today's World, A Potato Needs At Least A College Education"

Sandra Changas, President of the Food Literacy Project, spoke out Thursday against budget cuts targeting the FLP.

 “The Food Literacy Project has made great strides in educating produce, regardless of gender, creed, or color of peel.   And while crop-based literacy has been our foundation, it’s no longer enough: everyone knows that in today’s world, a potato needs at least a college education.”

Winthrop Pressures Lowell to Allow More Backdoor Stuff

Winthrop and Lowell have failed to make any meaningful progress in negotiations over Lowell’s “backdoor.” Despite Winthrop's years of begging, Lowell continues to hold firm that “it’s an exit, not an entrance.” From Lowell’s perspective, its front entrance is perfectly functional and was actually made to receive visitors while the backdoor isn’t always so tidy. As Lowell puts it, “I would never live it down if Winthrop found a mess back there.” Besides, Lowell says, “it’s a little more romantic to be able to see people as they come in.”

Friday Advice Column, by Section Dick

I’m a college freshman, and frankly I’ve been having a really hard time adjusting to life here at school. I don’t know any of the girls on my floor, and haven’t made any other friends. I want to get involved with extracurriculars, but I’m not sure which and it’s all pretty overwhelming. I know this is mostly my fault, but is there anything easy I can do to fix it?

-Laura, Wigglesworth 207

Final Clubs Change Name of "Punch" to "Stroke"

In an effort to make the joining process for prospective members less threatening, the  eight presidents of Harvard’s final clubs met this week and determined to change the name of the process from “punching” to “stroking”.