CAMBRIDGE, MA -- According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a pile of memories.

For the past two years in SigmaDeltaBetathanyou, I’ve seriously met some of the most compassionate and accepting people at Harvard. This community just screams inclusivity and empowerment, and it is simply outrageous that the administration has decided to group my organization with all of the icky exclusive organizations that rejected me.

Listen up assholes, and listen good. Over the past year we have heard your complaints about final clubs, social spaces, and exclusivity on campus. Yesterday we finally took action and decided to sanction members of single-gender organizations like private final clubs, fraternities, and sororities. Yet many of you insist that we have overstepped our bounds by violating the freedom of association and unfairly punishing all-female organizations. Oh, so now you like exclusivity? What, Harvard isn't exclusive enough for you shits? I worked hard on this, and I deserve some appreciation.

GREENWICH, CT--Having just completed his transaction to purchase an expensive trip to Uganda, Harvard College Class of 2020 admit Kennedy Marcus is now seriously reconsidering his decision to take a gap year. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After University President Drew Gilpin Faust announced today that future members of unrecognized single-gender social organizations would be ineligible for sports team and student organization leadership positions, as well as postgraduate fellowships requiring a College endorsement, final club members suddenly realized what exclusion feels like.

“Huh,” said Owl Club member Richard I. Wadsworth ’17, scratching his head. “That’s odd. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Sexual assault, every form of race-, class-, and gender-based discrimination, and all other campus woes were completely canceled this Friday morning as Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana issued sanctions against single-sex organizations with the support of President Drew Faust.

CAMBRIDGE, MA ­– Keeping with the university’s commitment to fostering inclusive social environments, the Harvard Department of Mathematics published a full classification of safe spaces today.

“The manifold spaces detailed in this work represent the product of months of tireless study by our devoted faculty,” said Professor Peter Kronheimer, the chair of the department. “The theory of safe spaces is now hitting its prime, and this classification should be an integral resource for those wishing to work with such spaces in the future.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– From the ashes of the embattled single-gender final clubs, a new social space has risen like an even more exclusive Phoenix. The Inn has emerged as the most elite social space in Harvard history, home to the 0.007 percent: those students isolated to prevent the spread of mumps.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the wake of a dramatic reallocation of university funds, the Office for the Arts at Harvard University has announced that it will be hosting a one-time-only “Arts Last” festival this coming weekend.