Science Center E Regrets Linking with Science Centers A-D

After forty years of half-hearted texts and occasional birthday get-togethers, Science Center E has finally admitted that linking with Science Centers A-D has not been as good as he had originally hoped.

“I’m so happy that we’re only a staircase away from each other and all,” said E, “but it just feels like I never see them anymore.”

B was not surprised. “I knew that this would happen from the beginning. C was always the closest to him, but ever since she got Science and Cooking, she’s been pretty preoccupied. I guess the rest of us just kind of forgot about E.”

HUPD: "Holy Christ - You Guys Are On Your Own."

As Mass Ave ran red with blood and hellish screams tore open the night, Commissioner Bentham of the Harvard University Police Department has announced that HUPD has “lost control of Cambridge and the immediate Harvard campus” and that Harvard students are “on your own, kids.  God save your souls.” 

Bentham, who spoke via a secure phone line in a HUPD saferoom, wished Harvard students the best of luck, but emphasized that HUPD can no longer provide any protection to students.


Sophomore Finds Cockroach in Quad Double, Loses All Faith

Emily A. Glennbury ‘16 was “shocked, saddened and entirely existentially disillusioned” to find a cockroach in her Cabot double this Friday.
“At first, I thought it was a piece of brownie,” said Glennbury, referring to the dessert she had managed to snag from Cabot before they ran out, which often happens because a surprising number of people actually do come to its brain break.

"Facebook Famous" Freshman Eats Dinner Alone in Annenberg

Jerry Harper, a freshman who has befriended over 65% of the class of 2017 on Facebook, has eaten dinner alone in Annenberg for the 30th time this semester.

Dean Pfister the Old Man from "Home Alone"

After weeks of investigating, Satire V has discovered that Donald Pfister, interim dean of Harvard College and Cartoon Network voice actor, is actually that old neighbor from the classic 1990 Christmas film "Home Alone."  

UC Gets Weekend Morning Quad Shuttles, Fails To End Ethnic Violence in Iraq

This morning Undergraduate Council President Tara Raghuveer congratulated the student representatives of the UC for “winning back weekend shuttles for all students,” though she conspicuously did not mention the UC’s failure to stop the near constant bloodshed in Iraq.

“This is what happens when you demand relevance!” shouted Raghuveer joyously, as the Shia and Sunnis of Fallujah looked upon each other as deadly insurgents instead of countrymen.

Cabot UC Election Ends in 380-Way Tie

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to reports from Al Jazeera Quad, Cabot House’s recent UC election has ended in a 380-way tie. As of Monday morning, the UC Commission had yet to decide a method for resolving the unprecedented result, in which all 380 residents of Cabot House received the same number of votes—zero. The UC’s bylaws and constitution make no provisions for such a result, according to UC legal scholar Michael Wasserman ’14.

Flyby Reporter Getting Great Details For Final Club Survey

Mark “The Scoop” Sabbert, Flyby’s premier inside man, is two drinks away from getting some great details for the Crimson’s Flyby Final Club survey.   Holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in his left hand, Sabbert struggles to open his notepad as he interviews a member of the Owl club.

“Oh god, I, I don’t, I don’t even know which club this is.  Hello?  Is this the SPEE?  SPEE CLUB?  No?  Oh.  Can I, CAN I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS? HELLO?”

An Open Letter To Students Who Sit On The End Of Lecture Hall Rows

Seriously, fuck you. 

NSA Searches College Email Accounts, Resident Deans Unimpressed

Cambridge, MA- The Washington Post revealed yet another instance of email-tapping by the NSA on Monday--this time, of Harvard Resident Deans and other administrators. Upon finding out the news, however, Harvard officials remained starkly unimpressed.
"It's like 'whatever' at this point," said Leverett Resident Dean Lauren Brandt, via an NSA-read exclusive email conversation with Satire V.