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Harvard

Grant Approved for Sophomore in Lowell

Lowell sophomore Adam Adamson proudly announced the approval of his grant request earlier today. Adamson, who said he’s never felt like this before, also stated that cheating the university of its endowment so that he can watch Family Feud is the best idea he and the world have ever seen.

Flyby House Rankings 2013

1. Tyler Perry’s House of Payne

2. Waffle House

3. House Lannister

4. House of Cards

5. House Un-American Activites Committee

6. Swedish House Mafia

7. Ronald McDonald House

8.  Little House on the Prairie

9. House arrest

10. National Lampoon's Animal House

11. Cabot House

12. "House of the Rising Sun"

Widener Library to Become Public Pool

Cambridge, MA – In a yet contested ruling, the Cambridge City Council tentatively voted on Tuesday to convert Widener Library, which has symbolized Harvard University for almost a century, into a City Pool. The pool, which is unofficially being called the Suckett-Harvard Pool, after Revolutionary hero Geribald Suckett and its location in Harvard Square, will span multiple levels, allowing ample room for both lap swimming and free swimming.

Israel Demolishes Wigglesworth

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- The government of Israel yesterday demolished the freshman dormitory Wigglesworth, three days after eviction notices appeared on the doors of various suites within the building. Sources within the Israeli government suggest that there are plans to build a new settlement on the site, replete with solar panels, underground shopping centres, and an adult entertainment facility they plan to call Gaza Striptease.

Junior Parents Weekend: Roommate’s Parents Still Divorced

After two years of rooming with Jason C. Lambert, David T. Wang was disappointed to learn that Lambert’s parents were still divorced.

“I was hoping that Todd [Lambert] and Lizzy [also Lambert, uncomfortably] would have worked their issues out by now,” said Wang, who first met the Lamberts moving in freshman year. The couple, Wang recalls, had fought about whether or not to buy Jason a minifridge, which ended with both screaming and tears. 

Sean Penn Narrowly Escapes Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory With Only Minor Skin Discoloration

Sean Penn arrived at the JFK Jr. Forum at the Harvard Institute of Politics on February 26, haggard-looking and beet-red, explaining to the stunned audience that he had just escaped Willy Wonka’s hellish Chocolate Factory. These comments mark the third event in an increasing feud between the Academy Award-winning actor and the famed chocolatier.

HUDS Gears Up For Annual Valentine's Day Hot Dog Shortage

Harvard University Dining Services is once again preparing for an anticipated increase in the demand for hot dogs on February 14. The annual phenomenon, occurring yearly on Valentine’s Day, generally sees the College’s various eateries go through nearly a ton of hot dogs, with Annenburg alone going through several thousand. Although the typical undergraduate seems to take only two at a time, there have been reports of students furtively carrying as many as four or five out of the dining halls. 

The Department of Visual and Environmental Studies and Satire V Present: Spring 2013 Courses

Of the following courses, some have been offered by the VES department; others are the invention of Satire V. Think you can spot the difference? Answers at the end.

University Officials Announce New Student Social Space

After months of complaints from dissatisfied students asking for new and improved social spaces, University officials have announced the opening of a new social space geared specifically towards undergraduates – the Pusey Interhouse Tavern, or the PIT. 

 Smartly located in the center of Harvard Square, with easy access to Pinkberry, Starbucks, and the subterranean Harvard T Station, the PIT is sure to be a popular venue among Harvard undergraduates. 

Teaching Fellow Mistakes Head-Scratch for Raised Hand

On Friday, Steve Pilker, graduate student and teaching fellow for Anthropology 145: The Surprising Lives of the Russian Pigeon Stalkers, reportedly led a class section and mistook for a raised hand what was in reality only a clandestine head scratch. After asking an open-ended question regarding the Pigeon Stalkers' unique feather-based writing system, Pilker reportedly began looking in turn at each student in the conference room before latching onto Mike Rogers, a junior whose psoriasis had compelled him to lift a hand above shoulder level. 

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