and entering


New York Freshman Mistakenly Makes Non-New York Friend

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Tuesday evening, freshmen Rachel Stein ’23 and Jessica Williams ’23 were seen studying in the Smith Campus Center when Williams let slip to Stein that she was not of New York blood. 

As Stein and Williams bonded over their LS1a pset, Williams mentioned to Stein that she was from Nebraska. Williams remembered that Stein immediately seemed to disengage from the conversation and cited a mandatory entryway event she had forgotten about. She then abruptly got up from her seat, grabbed her Pavement latté, and walked hurriedly out the door. 

Area Freshman Wonders if Harvard Social Life Improves or People Just Get Used to Barren, Hellish Wasteland

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Harvard College freshman Adam Renner ‘23, native of Belmont, Massachusetts, wondered aloud if social life on campus ever improves or if all (male) undergrads reach a point in their college experience where they admit defeat and surrender to the cruel, relentless cycle of false hope and misery awaiting them inside the fiery gates of Hell between the hours of 9pm and 3am every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.

I Asked My Genie to Be Famous, and He Made Me Head of CS50

Dear Harvard,

Look, I always thought being famous was gonna be just like the movies. You know, the cameras, the ladies, the V.I.P clubs, the unlimited La Croix in my town car with tinted windows. That was the lifestyle I’ve dreamt of ever since I was a kid. But I should have known there was gonna be a catch when I rubbed that old, dusty ass teapot at my neighbor’s garage sale and a Genie with a snaggletooth gave me for a wish. 

Match 19 for the Newly-Single

Nothing beats breakup blues like getting out there, which is why we’ve curated this list of potential matches for you, the newly single.

Match 1: Ashley, your ex’s bestie

Risky but you do have a history. During some of the most important moments of the last few years she was there, peripherally.

Armed Robbery at Barker Café False Alarm; Actually Just TDM Thesis

Cambridge, MA- Recent police reports have now announced that the attempted armed robbery at Barker café was actually just senior Andrew Woodsworth’s Theater, Dance & Media (TDM) thesis. The senior had been planning the final installment to his provocative performance art thesis for the past year: a scene in which Woodsworth bursts unannounced into Barker and stage an elaborate armed robbery.

Mental Health Win! CAMHS Releases Haunted Infant Emotional Support Doll to Treat Depression

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Earlier this month Harvard sophomore Alex Mureki decided to take advantage of Harvard’s new counseling and mental health services (CAMHS) by requesting approval for an emotional support animal. Little did Alex know that he would be given the responsibility of an eerily humanoid baby doll that occasionally comes alive at night to whisper tidings into Mureki’s ear.

QUIZ: Is the Service at Gato Rojo Bad or Are You a Huge Fucking Asshole?

You order a black tea and instead are handed a latte, blueberry muffin, and a water bottle that someone left here a few weeks ago. Do you:

A) mutter thanks and avoid eye contact

B) assertively say “this isn’t what I asked for” and watch in glee as the barista’s soul leaves her body 


You order a small coffee. What size is your coffee?

A) pretty small, I guess?

B) invisible, to the point where I am unsure if the barista heard me order an espresso and then decided to give me a drop of muddy water in a thimble


You Know that Giant Hole in the Yard? Yeah, I Had the Kids Drilling for Oil

by Larry Bacow

Remember that super ugly hole in the ground in the yard? You may have seen the sign marking the hole an “archaeological dig site” but don’t be deceived, fool! I only had that sign there to trick the students into drilling for oil. That’s right. For once, I decided to invest in you, the students, to build me an oil farm. 

Larry Bacow Invests Your Leftover BoardPlus Into The Prison Industrial Complex

CAMBRIDGE, MA- With the 2018-19 academic year drawing to a close, President Larry Bacow announced that undergraduate students’ remaining BoardPlus will be invested in the prison industrial complex—Every penny not spent on soy lattes and muffins will be directed toward the containment and dehumanization of human beings.

I’m Sick (of You)

By Paul J. Barreira, M.D.

Dear Colleagues, 

As we enter the springtime resolving to do better by our world, our communities, our families, and ourselves, I want to share some thoughts with you about how I’m beyond elated to be done with you miserable, unhygienic fucks.