and entering

HUDS strike

7 Ways To Fake Working So It Doesn’t Look Like You’re Sitting Alone In The Kirkland Dining Hall

1. Get a table near an outlet to keep your computer charged.

2. Look frustrated while staring intently at the screen, typing at a minimum of 100 wpm as you devour a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys.

3. Spread out multiple books across the table. They can picture books, tabloids, or in igpay atinlay; any book will do.

4. Take a pill bottle and scribble “ADDERALL” across the front with a sharpie. Leave the bottle out in the open for everyone to see.

Bite-Sized Dessert Lover "Bit Saddened" by Strike Resolution

CAMBRIDGE, MA--After three weeks on strike, Harvard University Dining Services is back to work at full capacity today. Many students have expressed their relief that normal dining services have resumed, but Sarah Johnson '18 says she's secretly conflicted about the strike's end.

"On the one hand, I'm glad that the strike is ending and the workers have achieved their goals," Johnson confirmed to reporters. "On the other, I really like the mini-cheesecakes." 

List of Things that Didn't Last As Long as the HUDS Strike

As the HUDS workers' strike comes to an end, Satire V has compiled a list of things that didn't last nearly as long:

HUDS Strikers Build Guillotine in Harvard Square

Cambridge, MA – Following the arrests of 11 Union members last weekend, Harvard Dining Hall Strikers are raising the stakes, quite literally, by setting out stakes for the scalps of the HMC Bourgeoisie and constructing a makeshift guillotine between CVS and CVS.

“We didn’t think, when we put this part in the strike plan, it would ever actually get that far,” Union Leader James Gregson told us. “To be honest, it was kind of suggested as a joke. But we need to show the university we’re serious, and this seemed like the most logical next step.”

UC To Spend Emergency Funds On Only Food Worse Than HUDS Strike Food

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a landmark decision, the Harvard Undergraduate Council voted 214-1 to spend $1,100 of their Emergency Fund on Costco sandwiches for students. The sandwiches, which Costco advertises as "a wonderful serving of chicken mayo, egg mayo, roast beef and cheese, and ham and cheese sandwiches," is intended to provide a college-wide "healthy" study break for students sometime this week.

Labor Chants That Are Also HUDS Puns

You want cake batter, treat us like we matter!

We cook your food, we make your meals, we just want a honey-graham-square deal!

No justice, no peas!

Low wages means no potato wedges!

If you want the buns, then cough up the dough!

You put us in a pickle, now make us a dill!

Strogaknock this off!

Sunflower butter doesn't make this better!

You want celery? We want salary! 

What's leafy, green, and good for you? Dollar bills and paychecks, too!

Your curly fries ain't curling when you strike with signs a-twirling. 

HUDS Union vs. Harvard: 9,475th Rock-Paper-Scissors Round Ends in Tie

CAMBRIDGE, MA—As the university confronts annoyed students, dining hall closures, and starving mice, Local 26 and the Harvard Management Corporation both played “scissors” in round 9,475 of the rock-paper-scissors-format negotiations.

Dean Dingman Hands Out Wrong Batch of Brownies to Striking Workers

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Though Local 26 and the Harvard Management Corporation have yet to negotiate a new contract, the first few days of the HUDS strike have not been without their share of drama. A low point was reached at lunchtime today, as Harvard Dean of Freshman Thomas A. "Tommy D" Dingman '67 accidentally distributed the wrong batch of homemade brownies to striking HUDS workers.
"Aww fuck, dude," the self-proclaimed Dean of Phresh was heard exclaiming as he saw protesters asking each other if they've ever "looked at swai, like, really looked at it."

Area Student's Support For Strike Evaporates After Being Woken Up By Picket

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With the historic Harvard University Dining Services strike underway, many students have been eagerly declaring their support for the workers who have staffed campus dining halls continuously for decades. Among these supporters was Garrett West '19, who has been advocating his support for the strike since a notice was posted on his door in early September. However, West reports his backing for the walkout evaporated this morning, after he was rudely awoken by a march through campus at 6 AM


Harvard Posts Craigslist Ad for Scab Workers

CAMBRIDGE, MA — A Craigslist ad posted late Thursday night suggests that Harvard is preparing for a strike by Harvard University Dining Services workers. The posting calls for “600 employees with experience in dining service” who “totally won’t just be strikebreakers.”

The current contract between the university and HUDS workers will expire on September 17, and 600 workers are prepared to strike unless the university meets their demands for higher pay and more affordable healthcare.