[REDACTED], USA - In response to the premature end of an annual agency tradition started in 2008, Commander Ad. Michael Rogers confirmed today that the eighth NSA Secret Santa has once again been ruined by the NSA. 

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ — Beneath a glittering wrecking ball outside the bankrupted Trump Taj Mahal on Saturday, the Miss Secretary of State Competition entered its second round: the swimsuit competition.

“Alright, ladies, go on to your dressing rooms and slip into those pretty little bikinis of yours,” the pageant’s host, Chris Christie, bellowed from the stage after contender Mitt Romney finished up the talent competition, in which he twirled a baton to the beat of “America the Beautiful.”

DAYTON, TENNESSEE -- In a shocking turn of events this Monday, populist presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan reanimated and dug his way out of his prison beneath the earth after hearing of the recent success of populist ideology in the 2016 presidential election.

NEW HAVEN, CT--Ahead of the much-anticipated annual match-up between the Harvard and Yale football teams, scouting reports indicate the Yale  Football team is watching The Sound of Music as a morale-building exercise.

Dear Senate,

Based on the lunar phases, it is goddamn Day 236. You have still not voted on my fucking nomination, and I have been waiting on these god forsaken stairs outside of Congress—no food, no water, no gavel—since March.

My shit kids used to visit me twice a day. Now, I’m lucky if those bastards shoot me a message over AIM. My wife already remarried to some poor shmuck named Juan-Carlos. I only find company in this homeless man Craig that wanders over during frigid nights. I am always the small spoon.

CHAPPAQUA, NY- With the long arduous campaign behind her, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to take a much needed vacation by immediately jumping back to work. “This campaign was so mentally exhausting, and now that it is over, I am going to take time to reflect, get out and see the world, take advantage of some much needed R&R and ‘me time,’” said Clinton, pausing for about 15 seconds. “…. Ok that was good. Back to work.”

Satire V acquired the following leaked transcript of Thursday’s meeting between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump:

DONALD TRUMP: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President. Really it’s quite an honor. I’m hoping we can work together during this time—

BARACK OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. Cut the shit. Listen, Donald—can I call you Donald?

DT: Oh, uh, I guess? Can I call you Barack?

BO: No. Listen, Donald, you better have a seat. (Lighting a cigarette) Want one?

As pundits and reporters continue to speculate about whom Donald Trump will pick to fill key roles in his administration, Satire V has exclusively acquired a list of President-elect Trump's picks:

Secretary of Transportation: Chris Christie

Russian Ambassador: Vladimir Putin

Secretary of Homeland Security: Jason Bourne

Secretary of Homeland: Claire Danes