MIAMI, FL -- Recent polling indicates that Flo Rida will likely decide the outcome of the 2016 presidential election. Although Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have visited Flo Rida dozens of times in recent weeks, neither candidate has been able to establish a definitive lead. According to the latest CNN survey, 44 percent of Flo Rida is leaning towards Secretary Clinton, 43 percent is leaning towards Trump, and 13 percent wants “Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur (with the fur).”

ATLANTA, GA -- A new CNN poll released Sunday finds that 89 percent of all other polls are lying pieces of shit.

“78 percent of Washington Post polls are decaying swirls of giraffe feces,” CNN wrote in a statement. “82 percent of Gallup polls are bee-infested loaves of crap. 86 percent of Pew Research Center polls are regurgitated pools of dung. Altogether, the vast majority of polls that are not CNN polls are lying pieces of shit.”

8,000 FEET ABOVE GROUND LEVEL - Following an intense exchange Tuesday night with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich over allegations of sexual assault on the part of Donald Trump, Fox News host Megyn Kelly has reportedly developed altitude sickness from her newfound moral high ground. 

LAS VEGAS, NV -- The final presidential debate between Republican nominee Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton is this evening at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Ahead of the debate, we at Satire V compiled a list of burning questions we would like to hear the candidates answer:

After a recording of Donald Trump making misogynistic comments about women emerged this weekend, many in the Republican Party have denounced the party's nominee. Some believe the already-fragmented GOP has reached its breaking point. But just how bad is it? Satire V has compiled a list of things that are in better shape than the Grand Old Party:

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Looking fearfully out of the windows of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the last surviving band of principled Republicans prepared for a standoff with a horde of Trump voters.

“We might not survive the night,” said one of the Republicans, who went only by the single name “Jeb,” as the cries of vague economic populism echoed in the distance. “They tore Kasich apart.”

“They’re almost here!” a lookout from the roof called down, “Pull out your concealed weapons!” 

You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy. Focus on the spinning circle. Isn't it just lovely?

You are thinking of October 16, 2002. There might have been a vote to authorize military force in Iraq, but then again there might not have been. You can't seem to remember.

Remember, look at the circle. Good. That's good.

LOS FELIZ, CA--As part of his ongoing divorce settlement, Brad Pitt, one half of the beloved Hollywood Natalie-Portmanteau "Brangelina," has reportedly lost the rights to the 'r' in his first name.

While the legal settlements are not yet concluded, Pitt seems to have already conceded defeat, saying, "I used to have some of the best name recognition in the industry. Who's going to work with Bad Pitt? Nobody, that's who!"